i am going to live!

Chinese new year is typically a very quiet thing for me, every year i find myself stay home with the couch, tv and potatoes for the whole of the holiday. This new year make no differences, i stayed home through out, boredom with some exaggeration almost become suicidal seriously!?! ha..

I saw how my siblings' own family's togetherness in the new year, i was full of envy, i have always want to have my own since early 20s, somehow it is just not yet for me, and this new year year at the same time also amplify how 'lonely' i am at a time like this. This is another moment of me lamenting about life, i know actually i am already very blessed in many ways.

January is coming to the end, and Friday's appointment with Doctor Tan and Doctor Simon brought no encouragement, quite the opposite in fact. CEA is on the up trend, which brought no relief to me or my family.
Coming to the beginning of 3rd year, face to face with cancer, with so many ups and downs, i am growing immune to the bad news, growing tired of writing about this problem.
It has been 2 year plus, too many times i down played the fatality of this illness that i am fighting with to the people around me, it also almost helped to make belief to myself and the rest that this war can be won comfortably somehow.. it is a subconscious thing.
It is not exactly wrong, i am just trying to be my best positive self.
And so the latest test result is a stern reminder of this life threatening illness that i am facing. I mean i am always aware of it, just that talking about the bad and negatives has not been part of me for a long time. And because of this, i have also made some sub conscious decisions over my career, love and family. All in all, i guess i am just taking practical steps that is fair and balance for this part of the journey.
So two year plus of a long war that i am fighting also taught me many things, like the importance of family, love and friendships. And many times, revelation from God helped to pull me out of the pits.
It is tough, but rather than focusing on the problems, i have a new revelation that i need to get start a new beginning with a new attitude towards this.
Also i know that there is a season for everything, i have so much to learn and so much i want to do for this world, so this means i need more time, perhaps the rest of my life!!! Till 120 years old according to my grandma. :)

SO, I am going to live, a healthy and happy life !!

A song tells a thousands words!

I have been listening to a lot of Josh Groban's songs lately, i am a fan! I can stayed home to watch his DVD concert for hours.. and repeat it the very next day.
And one of the song that i especially love is the one below; one which always remind me of someone close to my heart. And this is for her!

You're still You

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

"THE PRAYER"

The Lyrics of a song sing by Josh Groban that i listened while on home leave last week, it helped so much in building and holding onto my faith.

"The Prayer"


I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu dai

I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restera
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza

Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita

La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera

A week of horror and love

This was last week!

What was supposedly a day operation, ended up become 6 days of hospitalization with me 4 times on the operation table through the 6 days.

Some really important friends turned up to cheer me on, and they really make it so much easier. Yet on the other end, someone was so closed then did no more than a cold text, i have no idea why i feel how i felt. But in my moment of pain and weaknesses, i always become more emotional. In my heart, i kept repeating i am missing you, but the only cold text i got which also coupled with work stuffs, really pushed me further to suppress the feelings. It was just so cold.. sighz ... what do i expect really?

Thankfully, i have my angels to love, all married they might be, but still dear and close to me, after more than a decade old, this is precious!!!
There is an old saying, you can really tell who are with you, and have you in their heart when you are down and out, i am so thankful that i have so many hands stretching to me and cheering and pulling me up each time i am down. They are precious!!!

Besides my angels n hubbies, thanks neo for driving my mum to and fro for me, and for fetching me home on sat. Thanks tut for going the distance and picking up my medicines and waking up early on thurs morning to send me back to hospital; thanks to LK for standing with me for almost 4hours on fri day, without which, i doubt i was able to come home on sat; thanks neighbor for the oranges, biscuits and also as my office messenger, thanks to all who come, and the heartwarming messages.

Thank God for giving me faith, so that i am safe now at home.

Life's balance sheet!

An email sent by a dear friend, So you think you got a balance life?
read this and think again! :)

Our Birth is our Opening Balance!

Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account

The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.

The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

Some very Good and Very bad things ...
The most destructive habit....... .......... ......Worry
The greatest Joy......... ......... ......... ....Giving
The greatest loss.......Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work........ .......Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....... ......Selfishness
The most endangered species..... ....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.... .......Our youth
The greatest 'shot in the arm'........ Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.... ........Fear
The most effective sleeping pill....... Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease.......Excuses
The most powerful force in life......... .......Love
The most dangerous act...... ...A gossip
The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain
The worst thing to be without..... ......... Hope
The deadliest weapon...... ......... .....The tongue
The two most power-filled words........... 'I Can'
The greatest asset....... ........... .......Faith
The most worthless emotion.... ........Self- pity
The most beautiful attire...... ......... ....SMILE!
The most prized possession.. ......... .....Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication. ...Prayer
The most contagious spirit...... ......Enthusiasm

Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing...!!!

Happy new year!

Phew, it is now officially 2009!

I have made several resolutions, and the first and foremost is to stay healthy and strong, and there are already a few things i have to get past soon. It will begin with Doc Simon's appointment tomorrow morning to check on my CEA level, and immediately followed by an operation that i really dreaded of going to change the stems in my kidneys on next Monday. It'll be painful, and probably disable me for a week and followed with another week of mandatory rest at home.

Seriously, this is not quite the way to start off a new year i wish for, but looking at the brighter side, i get to quickly get the nagging 'pain' of medicals off my path, before i set off my journey for a better year! I have a lot of good thoughts towards this new year, i am going to stay on top of all the hurdles and move to greater heights!

Oh, Eileen is off to London again, somehow i felt handicapped once again without her around. The kind of emotional support she brings is almost irreplaceable, but she has her life in London, and i have mine here, guess this special friendship can only maintained by networks like emails and telecoms.

In view of the operation on Monday, i have to get myself physically prepared by doing more workouts the next three days.. i need to be in the best shape by then!