Live Strong

Being Earnest..

2010-06-06T00:31:00.002+08:00

Its been a long while since my last entry, i have been busy with life like always. But not like any other normal person dealing with routines, rather literally dealing with "life", my life, or rather my health. I have long established the fact that no health means nothing else.

Physically, i have not been fantastic, medical report lately is not too encouraging, the too frequent indigestion problems from the operation took its toll on my weight, I did the necessary adjustment, i slow myself down. Pulled out of SOT, slow down my pace daily, and in everything that i do of course. Strict diet have to come back on, expensive TCM herbs has to be taken day and night too. One moment of careless negativity will throw myself back into the cyclic depressive mode, my great hope for the future and happiness that is within reach could vanish in that few seconds of demise.

But being earnest, i never allow myself to sit in helplessness for long, anything can be broken or saddled with impossibilities, but not my heart nor my will, and absolutely not my faith.

Two weeks back, i was impressed with my heart of 3 miracles that will come, and one that detailed about my purpose for this life gets clearer everyday when i talk and walk about it. All that has happened, the 6 years of journey found its purpose and value at last. I am excited and even nervous whenever i thought of it, yet it also drives me on every single minute. The platform and the stage that will allow me to fulfill all these takes enormous efforts (yet not out of my half day work routine!!) and also determination, most importantly all the helps i can get. thankfully, all those that i called, are equally excited with me! I keep repeating it, but for that to be possible, i need all my friends and clients help, i need referrals and new businesses and deals consistently till December. Looking at my fellow competitors, achieving it needs something special, something extraordinary, and like coco says, i will need wings! but i doubt it can be grown on me, i would relate it to the wings of angels... i need to call all the angels in heaven and on earth (you?)

Well, the importance of being earnest is to keep going on and on and on!!! I need human batteries, rally cries and roaring supports!

Immortality!! who is with me?!!

我写的歌. :)

2010-03-25T18:56:00.005+08:00

我有一首歌
写满了童话剧。
故事里有你，有我，有幸福。

遥远的过去，俗气的旋律，美丽情节待续。
可能是漫漫细雨，
或是蠢蠢的心跳，
灰色的天终于唱出了我要的melody.

Hey, 停下来好吗，
看看一下风景，
世界因你而美丽，
梦想因此有意义。

我会一直走下去，
牵那如白雪之臂，
一直一直走下去，
我的歌是幸福结局。

flu bugs

2010-03-24T07:30:00.003+08:00

It has been a long long time since the last time i am down with flu bugs. I have been always cautious, knowing that having one is really bad, the sore throats, running nose and cough etc...

SOT started last week, while i might complain a lot about how challenging n tired it is to juggle between that and work, i was totally enjoying the process, the learning is credibly good, every moment when i was in the class, my spirit was shouting and rejoicing inside.

So now is week two, i guess my body has yet to fully adjusted to a full day of 'work', exhaustion creeps in and take a toll on my immune, i am down with flu bugs! And for the good of everyone, i had decided to stay home and rest. i needed this, its been back to back of non stop events since last monday.

I even had to cut short a meeting with a client in the office last night, two packets of tissues are not enough to last through my normal routine sessions of discussion. All the signs are pointing to me that i am in need of a good rest.. and good rest i should have. :)

Pursuit of Happiness II

2010-03-14T13:59:00.002+08:00

I think if i am ever an editor of any magazine, i would have problems of finding the right headlines. Many times when i refer myself as a simple man wanting simple things, that has to attribute partly to the few headlines that i continuously sought after since the first day i grown up. So here i am again talking about happiness AGAIN... i guess even the most loyal reader would have grown tired of my blabbering on this topic so many times... thankfully, this is not a article, i am not a journalist, nor an editor, but the author of my own stories, i get to write and fill n refill anything anytime i want.

My visit to the TCM professor on friday, i was told that i am too stress up,. there is too much tension on my own nerve. Maybe that is true, a lot of time its really self imposed. There are not many around me who can slow me down, and put me at ease. Come to think about it, maybe there is just one? or maybe two? I was asked last night, who is that person that knows me the best, that without me finishing my whole sentence, that one person simply understands... ??Yes it is still Eleen ng, while we are no longer romantically linked in anyway, she was the one one that 'grown' up with me, the time and experiences we had is the answer for all the understanding i guess, and having a friend like that is a huge blessing, just in her case, this blessing is too far, ( in London actually ). thankfully, there is still charlie's angels, but one has just given birth, another is happily married n its either traveling or going concerts, n the last n the best of e girls, it is just a little different now.
Oh what about that uncle neo? haha... this uncle is either too busy with his life or work or simply hide at home whenever he can.
So i am gonna introduce 3 cutie pies in the office, shanshine, coco and that bacon boy. Shanshine has this magnetic traits in her personality, always smiling and laughing, just a little workaholic and like to eat a little too much, sometimes, she reminds me of the penguin in the movie, Happy Feet. I mean if i have a sister, i would want someone like her!
Coco, she is relatively new to me, probably one of the best gal i have met for a long time, she cooks, bakes, homely girl, and appears to be really motherly.. by that i meant she can really take good care of you, although, being the youngest in the family like me, there are moments that reveal she can also be one spoilt brat, sometimes, just sometimes. :p
Bacon boy, this guy probably not the most popular person in the office like his mentor, and just like his predecessor, if u know him a little deeper, he can be really likable.

I think i am digressing from my headline, these people i mentioned make up very much how my daily activities like. The next 6 months starting from monday will probably change my routines n the people i hang out too. We are all habitual animals, and the older we get, the more we resist changes.
So keep the faith, keep walking to my headline? all of sudden i am losing my thoughts, its raining out there now, i think another nap will help to bring clarity back to my nervy brains...

foul mood all day long

2010-03-13T10:03:00.002+08:00

I know i should not! but it was just a plain lousy day all day long yesterday. Nope, nothing really bad happened, but its just a series of not so goods that build up the foul mood.

Seriously, i dont think no one likes to be unhappy, upset, especially over nothings right? i thought only girls have PMS?
Wait! i think i can explain myself out. The day started a visit to Doc Simon for a review, it was nothing much but a routine checks, as always there were plenty of patients, so waiting was a necessary package, it probably dragged till a little too long even comes to the payment... by the time i reached home to rest it was almost 1.30pm. Then i had lunch, before i could go take a nap, The TCM clinic called n say the professor will be in at about 3pm. I had a short nap, which was interrupted by my mum several times to ask me what time i had to go... so i got really grumpy from there... it's barely 30mins of nap, but i was just not happening peacefully...

Then I reached Rochor centre at bugis at 3pm plus, and wait another 90 mins for the prof to appear, it was pure pain when i spend the day waiting for things to happen... The traffic in the morning was bad, the parking was bad ... and when u have to wait for an hour or two just to speak to your doctors for 15 mins, not once in a day, but twice.. like the whole day i was stuck... it was like one of those typical day that i constantly had to go through the previous two years.. On one i hand i am thankful things are different now, on other hand, i cant help it but to complain here.. i DUN LIKE THIS!!!

And it doesn't stop there, my bro could not meet me in the evening again, n i had something on later in the night, i was stuck in the office, i dunno where else to turn to. But but, 3 cutie pie in e office are kind enough to help me spend my night away. It was nice, but not quite enough to kill off the blues, all activities after that had to cancel, the blues were giving me headaches, it was those nights that i think i am better served to be alone.

Its a new day, din really able to sleep the blues off, as i get older, sleep it off just doesn't work that well anymore.
I feel like a grumpy bear, i need some cheers n joys n honey to perk up my day.. where to find it?

Being understood!

2010-03-07T19:45:00.003+08:00

I always know people relation is an art, how we deal with people fairly and respectfully, indirectly shapes on our own destiny. After all, no man is an island, people are important! those around us makes all the differences in our life.. at least this is what i think, the cornerstone of my faith is not just build on God, but also by his people, those who make the differences to me and those i am going to make the differences. make sense?

The last two months has been nothing short of dramas, like how life has always been, i found myself constantly making tough decisions, taking difficult stand, with the ultimate intention to make all things work, make people around me happy. Yet strangely as it sounds, it just not working out well, or as ideal as i want it to be! It is exasperating, it is frustrating.. There is this sunny girl said, i was trying too hard to please everyone, but when there is conflict of interest, it is not possible!! She said,'' u gotta make a stand, u got to learn to be a bad guy. just once!! it is far better to be a bad guy for one day, then a villain for a life time." well, i agreed! i did! not only once, but constantly for the last 3 weeks, i was like constantly bombarded with all kinds of things, work or non work related, i thought i had it all handled well... until just now, i had realized once again, i have over estimated my own EQ level, so sometimes making a stand is not enough, taking tough decisions make no differences either, sometimes we gotta throw in the towel, that the battle is not mine, that it is not my fight, that the easy way out is to leave it alone for awhile. I would think the first look at myself i would think i am chickening out, but when i think deeper, (which i often do, although not helpful sometimes,) it was the best for everyone, no one gets hurt, but me? sacrificial? short term pain? or simply too afraid to face the consequences it things were to turn out otherwise?? tsk... see.. sometimes, it is good to leave it alone! i want to be happy, but i want people around me to be happy more. How would that ever constitute a conflict of interest? when happy is being happy!?!

Phew, i need some space to breather easy, i am not afraid to take up responsibilities, but i do feel constrained by the nagging thoughts of those 'what ifs). It is ridiculous that i am feeling the way i felt! I have always been a free man, where did this bondage come from?

I felt understood at one moment, and misunderstood at another, i sure don't like this, i am gonna have all these taken out of my mind.
I just wanna be understood. Do i understand too? haha... freak indeed.

waking from dreams..

2010-03-05T09:59:00.002+08:00

To pursuit dreams and to indulge in day dreams are too different thing, yet it takes time to realize the difference between the two.

Third month into the year, life has been exceptionally good, or rather i should say that God has been exceptionally graceful to me. Every time when i get carried away with all the good things in life, i have to quickly remind myself to put my feet back on God. After all, without Him, all is not possible. Two more weeks, bible school will commence, i am a little nervous yet looking forward to it, somehow i just know it is gonna a huge step for me, real dreams n visions will reveal to me, i will have a good clear picture of where to go from here.

Talking about the last two months, by my own measure, it has been really 'exciting n interesting'. It is like all of the sudden, life in office has come to alive, it has become interesting, fun and even more looking forward than before. haha... somehow its like a boy found his candy? oh well ... i guess i am just enjoying the moment everyday. life is good, always so good. :)

What about the day dreams? i have that all the time, just that sometimes i got it all mix up between the achievable n the bubbles, a dreamer that i am, waking up is still necessary. Goodness thing is when i wake up, i do have somewhere to go... bible school that is. :)

"sleepless night" from Soda green.

2010-02-20T09:07:00.001+08:00

Today the moon is so bright
Shining on me and making me sleepless through the night
Even my hair isn’t resting

How would you know that I miss you
I hope you have the same dream -
The day that we both return together
With a love where we lean on and support each other

Inside your heart
Do I still exist?
I’m forever waiting
And feeling indignant at times.
I feel like saying I want us to fly together
To a beautiful place in our hearts
With everything
All of it placed with you
I hope you can understand.

Today the moon is so bright
Shining on me and making me sleepless
Like a dying fish in a garden

How would you know that I miss you
I hope you have the same dream -
The day that we both return together
With a love where we lean on and support each other

I don’t care how much time, how much tears, how much disappointment it takes to get through it
I don’t care when you’ll return
Actually I don’t know why either, why I’m waiting like a fool
You are my only love.

bus no 31

2010-01-17T23:00:00.002+08:00

Drove past bus no 31 in the late evening tonight...

It is a sign of familiarity, the bus i always take to school when i was still staying in the old Kallang estate. It brought back so much memories!!!! Those younger days, when all i have to worry is my looks n not the books, of course there are also the girls and that football! We were all so young, so carefree.. so without worries.. i am envious of my younger days.

Still remember how i get happy when the ticket numbers all added up to 21, someone said then that the ticket holder will get lucky?? And the girl who taught me how to fold the little piece of it into a heart shape, which i kept that for the longest time in my wallet.. it was all silly old days, but fun!!!

Why must boys become man? we should all not age!!!

why time has to pass so unforgiving quick?
If it had been any slower, maybe i would have known all i ever want has always been around...
This bus 31 in that few seconds, is like a truck of memories, gone and never come back, only left behind the gases of exhaust...

Feet on the ground

2010-01-14T10:08:00.003+08:00

I had probably eaten a subway sandwich too fast on Monday night, and the consequence is horrid! I felt sick since Tues, vomited big time, and was weak all over till now.. plus the gas attack, my family had almost wanted to sent me to the hospital again....
It is a lousy experience, and a timely reminder to myself, i just cant take things (food) lightly like before.

Apart from feeling awfully weak, and lousy if not least, i felt handicapped! Truth is i am different, and more dependent than before, i started to have doubts over my ability to take care of others when i can hardly taking care of myself? In the moment of weakness, i know all this negative thoughts are all too common; Yet i cant help it but to doubt about absolutely everything ahead in the future. The self consciousness and insecurity are all creeping in at the same time... how in the world i can attain my dreams and happiness? And then the inferior complex started to follow too.. this is madness, once you got it started, absolutely every negative vibes just keep coming at your direction... until i had to say STOP!

I am not going to be in self-denial, all the feels are a fact, there are bad negatives but true, i cant help it; but i guess i can help myself by making the best out of everything.. It is really quite pointless to dwell with those that you cant change, but focus on what i can do with what i have left. I have been doing that of course, just the days of unwell brought my feet back to the ground once again.
well apparently i am quite easily lifted from the ground, i have this inherent ability to look up to the sky and try to touch it! The recent nights of star gazing got me further from the ground, i am a born dreamer i guess, maybe that includes day dreaming too? Anyway, having my feet back to the ground is like a reality check, it helped to put my egos and abilities on check, balance between both is necessary i figured, else the next fall will be even more painful.

3 days gone, half of the week is very much wasted in pain and discomfort, i still have the weekends! oh tomorrow is friday, i am meeting two of my docs for some discussion over my current health status. To be honest, i feel a little jittery of meeting Doc Simon, my oncologist, sometime ago he was still proposing further treatments after my op?!?! I have lots of reservation on whatever he had proposed then, hopefully tomorrow's discussion will have some break through towards my ideal conclusion. I am determined! and hopeful!

Starry Starry night.

2010-01-11T23:30:00.004+08:00

Recent few nights, if you were to notice, the sky is extremely clear, almost cloudless,with the night breeze, and the stars, everything seem so wonderful, life is indeed beautiful.

The idea of going to bible school for half a year is slowly settling in, i am really kind of looking forward to it. There is this sense of assurance, somehow i felt that by taking the 6 months course, i will go near God; And go near God means i will be in good hands, i will be able to cast all fears unto His hands... This coming 6 months from march, it is like a 'refuge camp' for me, and there are moments in the days, i hope i can quickly retreat into it.

Not that things are not doing well, on the contrary, work is slowly moving back to the right momentum. i am very much getting used to my 'new' body too, although at times the inconvenience gets to my nerve and drives me nuts, but i have gotten over the self-acceptance phase, moving on it is really to live the best out of this life.

These two nights of star gazing, got me into deep thoughts, (i mean i am easily into deep thoughts anyway) There are things that are within reach if i were to take the courage to stretch out my hands, yet at the same time my rationale and that little fear held me back almost immediately when i was about to move my hands. I find myself keep going back to ground zero. So guess maybe only bible school will show a way, or rather God will show a path.

Meanwhile, the nights with all shinning stars, like a symbol of destinies, endless and going into infinities..
All i wanna do now is to seek for mine, and it begins with star gazing...

The seventh day...

2010-01-07T21:52:00.002+08:00

There is a TVb drama called the seventh day, it is really nice, sweet, and tells tales of the fairy kind of love story.... But this is not what i am referring tonight. I am literally referring it to today's date, 7th of January, seventh day of the new decade.
There wasn't any form of explosive kind of changes or events to set the new year going, it is just another year... Quiet days are a blessing by itself too of course.

Tomorrow will be the final day of the company's full day event, there are a little highlight here and there, else it was seriously quite boring though.

Had a nice dinner with dap n tw, guess i was really tired, so naturally i got a little quiet; but it was always enjoyable to have them around, simply because we are such old friends already, that is a blessing! And as the years unfold, the more i cherish them... :) these girls are one of the best gifts i have in life.

After being away from work for so long, it sure feels good to be able to hang around with the fun people in office. And there is this young and energetic one new comer that is always giggling, smiling, and her every moves are extremely animated, there is absolutely no way that you can escape her infectious spirit.. this might sound funny, but even when she's half crying, i had to hold back funny bones.. she's is just so animated la...
i guess i have found my match, i am not the loudest in the office after all... haha... that is welcome of course, besides i always love a company, in this case, another happy voice to echo mine!

A late text got my heart jumped two beats...n then it started to sink cos it got heavy! I don't like it naturally.. then again, there is really nothing i can do about it... It takes patience to walk out the maze... well actually, it is still relatively 'trivial' at this stage, so no much thoughts should be placed on it, IF i can help it? Duh..

It is midnight now, the world should get some rest, so am i! good night world... :)

My Little Confession

2010-01-03T12:29:00.004+08:00

I need to confess something, something what i deemed trivial but when i am asked, i felt embarrassed actually.

As a driver, tearing coupons is part and parcel of life everyday, very often for the convenience, i will just fold the coupons instead of tearing it, the act by itself is fine of course, just that many times i find myself reusing them... bad huh? not that i think too much of it really, to me it was me acting on mine little intelligence to 'out-law' the rules and save a few dollars..

Until last night, a question was popped to me " are u cheating?" Uh oh... not good, i was caught unprepared by it, what was always trivial and unimportant to me, got me red faced... matter of fact is it is an act of cheating isn't it? so much of my righteousness huh!?! Argh... embarrassed as i was, it set me thinking... a man's character should be consistent in ALL area of his life, however trivial or unimportant it might be.. in this case i have failed i think. But i am thankful, it is a timely reminder, it not too late to amend and stop the 'little devil' in me from committing 'crimes' like that... Phew ...

The first good change in 2010, true that a few dozen more dollars to add to the government's revenue, but i am the ultimate winner am i not? :)

The song that keeps ringing in my head e whole night!

2010-01-02T00:45:00.003+08:00

心若倦了泪也干了

这份深情难舍难了

曾经拥有天荒地老

已不见你暮暮与朝朝

这一份情永远难了

愿来生还能再度拥抱

爱一个人如何厮守到老

怎样面对一切我不知道

Chorus:
回忆过去痛苦的相思忘不了

为何你还来拨动我心跳

爱你怎么能了

今夜的你应该明了

缘难了情难了

The right beginning...

2010-01-01T15:28:00.002+08:00

It is the first day of a new decade, i was out the whole morning in a friends wedding entourage, and soon will be off to the hotel again... Feeling kind of inadequate the whole day through, i supposed it is because after last night, i still haven't really had time to recollect my thoughts, unload the baggage and relish the new days ahead...

So it is new year finally!!! Looking back to 2009, i only have two words! Life changing!!!! And spending the last night with the one i love most is possibly the best way to round an amazing year! And no, i am not into a relationship just yet, and no too, i am not going to reveal too much as well.. haha..
Love can wait i suppose, nonetheless i cant mask the little disappointment too, but yes Love can wait!

There are many immediate things and event ahead that is going to keep me busy.. namely my work, learning guitar, buying a dog, going SOT... oh and going to japan!!!! I need to travel!!! I need some snow for a change! Getting my best pal to go with me seem like really remote, so i will need to open the possibilities of even going a trip of my own... but the very thot of it feels so lonely la.. well, we will see!

From today on, the immediate things i need to do is get my prayer life right on a daily basis.. and i really need to start planning my work and submit my business plan to my boss soon.. i am already late for 2 weeks.. haha...

Somethings can wait, somethings cant! Time definitely waits for no one, gotta start living the life i want, even if it is imcomplete.

New age sensitive guy

2009-12-28T17:36:00.002+08:00

Yes, i am one! maybe sometimes overly sensitive?!?

While most if the time i claim that i am a logical person, my emotions always give me away! SO i figure out that i am only selectively logical, meaning logical to somethings, emotional to many others?
Well actually i am rationale most of the time, am i not?

Maybe i can isolate the hearts issues are those that dominates my thoughts and eventual behaviors, so that makes me the left brain person (or is it right?) haha... Then of course, any other things, i can be extremely logical and rationale! make sense?

The past 10 years had brought lots of changes within me, my perspective towards relationship had evolved from 'cave man era to 22nd century.. ok i am exaggerating..
The more accurate way of saying should be i get more careful with people, the girls i meant!! Some major lessons, such as never let go V.S letting go, beware of the office ladies, they are dangerous once you are romantically linked ; and etc etc ...
i gotta do a disclaimer, this is not referring to anyone! it is purely fictional! If you buy it?! ha..

What i am probably saying here is, as we grow older, the margin for mistakes just got thinner, things got much more complicated when we are held responsible not just for ourselves but also the people around us. While it is inevitable that responsibilities will pile on our shoulders as we grow older, to see it as liability or a drag on the feet from moving forward, again is down to choices! Truth is, sometimes in order to move ahead, we have to unload someone or something, to put it plainly, in a interconnected society, it is just not possible not to have that ripple effect whenever the stone is thrown!

I guess i am not sure what i am driving at too! i have found myself in a certain predicament that go beyond my wildest imagination, and it had already happened for like 2 year plus long, something that i have been avoiding and refused to acknowledge till very recent days. Like a typical Gemini, i am bipolar! i am glad that i am coming to terms with it, yet at the same time i found myself behaving oddly in a totally unfamiliar ground, like i said it is beyond my wildest imaginations... As for the outcome? Man...the slightest thought of it and my heart probably go beating the fastest rate in my 30 years history...

The last image of myself i thought is still the cool, indifferent guy that has the whole world at the finger tips... this is definitely unbecoming of myself!!! But as the heart beats, my composure and confidence are exposed and left spinning all over again...

To conclude, i am new age? sure! sensitive? absolutely; but i am also happy, nervous, a little confused, excited and forward looking!

I am a chicken!

2009-12-27T17:57:00.003+08:00

I had to admit, i am a chicken lately. There is something i need to do and i am not doing it! i am scared! petrified! Its abnormal for me to behave the way i behave... just 4 more days, i need to prepare myself and get this over, i am determined not to bring the baggage over.

Where shall i begin? how shall i start?
one thing that is certain, i had probably bottom things up for too long, the little secrets of mine is release to quite a few people already, the fact is i am not a keeper of my own secrets, and to keep it for 2 year long, that is really something isn't it!

The emotions involved is totally new and unfamiliar, it had probably caught me unprepared and off guard. Life so very often throws up surprise that we can be so overwhelmed! I shared with Eileen yesterday, and she said that my life is always so drama, what to do??!!! ah huh.. that sure doesn't help a lot! Like i always like to emphasize, i am just a simple man seeking simple things in life, why so complicated?? Arggh,....

Of course life is also about choices! While i can choose to be chicken for a while, i can be brave the next moment, just that bravery needs some trigger point!?!
Time is running against me, i have yet to find that, and so like what a friend had said, i can be one hell of a chicken and just do it! i don't know, it is a little far too complicated than just do it... but if it's really chicken from the hell, it wouldnt care so much isn't it?

D-day could be any time soon... Be chicken in red under pants, or just simply be a hero?

Revelation..

2009-12-25T17:22:00.002+08:00

My resolution for the new year is to enter the 2010 with a light and free spirit...
I had a little release yesterday, i leaked out all those that's buried deep within me when i was ask about by a dear couple after perhaps a glass of wine. I am not good at bottoming things up, i guess given any chance, i would always ready to pour all out...

Quite a number of friends did not turn up yesterday for the xmas party and gift exchange, but those who come really make it quite a ball! There is this unspeakable joy and happiness in the atmosphere, i thought it was only a little space away to get the people to dance with the music playing at the back ground... It is almost a perfect Christmas if only that special someone was there to sway me away with the christmas melody...

Unlike the previous years, my friends really almost finish all my bottles!!! haha.. and it lasted until this morning 9am... there was no chance to rest or sleep for me, two of my mates down and out on my bed, one was totally goner n most of the time she stays in the toilet, the couch was naturally filled up too. In the end, WH and i spent the whole 'morning' talking about my secrets n help to keep each other awake, until the rest can get up and go home..

Phew, i had totally enjoyed the night, just one thing, i missed the Xmas service! Thankful my God is gracious. :)

Merry Christmas!!!

2009-12-25T06:59:00.001+08:00

Solitude?

2009-12-22T01:08:00.003+08:00

Once in a while it is good!

Today, i did everything on my own, shopping for xmas presents, lunch and dinner all on my own. It feels all good and normal, until i was there at Terminal one waiting at the arrival hall for my mum, solitude can only go so far i thought, and the drizzling rain sure does not help the mood...

Wish i can reach the sky, touch the star, hold on to the angel's hands, even the shortest moment can make me the happiest man for tonight...

Solitude? no thanks ...

Wild (WOW) Thoughts

2009-12-20T22:15:00.003+08:00

10 more days, and it will be a whole decade altogether, there are many reasons that i should be thankful of, but maybe man are inherently easily discontented. From struggling to take my first step after the op, and now almost fully back to full fitness, my mind is constantly on a run...

There is an unexplained uneasiness, it is almost like take two steps forward, and has to quickly take one back... Time is the key, i know i am overly anxious, i know i should control my restlessness, but emotions so very often takes the lead in my daily life and thoughts, there is just this uncontrollable impulsion of wanting to do more; and i kept giving myself excuses that it is because i just wanted to do more while i can, when i can. Well, i find it laughable myself sometimes, but this is me, absolutely complicated, and easily simple minded! Does it make any sense? i guess not.. never mind ..

I have a little secret..

Maybe it is an open secret? i wanna retire early... maybe it is all the things that i had gone through, the realisation of greater meaning in life, my thoughts kept drift into a life of simple married man.

i need to make a resolution, there are many baggage that cannot be brought forward to the new year, i am lacking a little courage and will power to make progress in unloading them... just 10 more days...what am i doing?!

Argh... sometimes leaving everything to status quo is the easiest, n possibly most harmless, yet it might just be the only window of opportunities to the life that i always want; but taking the step might also jeopardize or changed what is already good enough... it is a dead end?!? oh well... definitely unsolvable tonight...

maybe tomorrow will bring some light to the tunnel of my thoughts?

Passion

2009-12-10T17:57:00.003+08:00

What is your passion in life?

What is the thing that you do that gives you the most sense of fulfilling?

Today Lk came to the hospital in the morning and accompany for the antibiotic treatment and the CT Scan that followed, it is such a blessing to have a friend like him really. We talked through out the day, from the most trivial things in life, to serious topics like relationships. Maybe it is the God factor in him, i realize this man has grown in size in both understanding and wisdom; This definitely add on to my belief that God makes the difference.

The topic of passions in life keep lingers in my thoughts, i thought maybe it is the direction that i should be exploring of what to do next. Well it is a good start, better than being clueless all the time.

So my passion? what is it really? I am passionate about my job, getting people to plan their finances etc can set me talking for days. But i need more than this job to make a bigger difference.. i want to make a difference, maybe this is my passion?!

The Pursuit of Happiness

2009-12-07T19:18:00.003+08:00

Coming to the end of 2009, the pursuit of happiness has been constantly on my mind when i am at the same time recuperating from the operation. The physical changes are indeed irreversible, but my thoughts, perspective and life maybe is at the cross road for major changes, for good that is for sure. By how, or what means, i am still just as clueless as the time when i was still a boy.

It is week 4 now since i am discharged, i have probably skipped a few steps in getting back the strength, somehow maybe God just put me on a fast track of recovery. my weight is almost back to pre-op level, and i guess a few more weeks i might be able go to my ideal weight of say 68kg or 70kg? It is not that important la, i am more anxious about what really that i can do to live an even more meaningful life.

To get some clues, lately i am doing a lot of people watching, or people observation activities. I looked into my closest friend's life, or even the strangers on the street, i pondered about life all the time. It is very easy to forget the meaning of life when we are always busy in and out of the weekly routines, and in a place like singapore, it is even harder to take a breather, and maybe for the first time i did question myself, if this is the place i will dwell and live my dreams, the place that i will find 'happiness'. Then again to uproot me from here will take more than courage or wild dreams, i am too emotionally attached to many dear friends here.

We are essentially the same kind of creature, the ultimate aim in life is to search for that specially someone or something to fill the void or the puzzle of happiness; of course, everyone has different definition on this, and naturally different means and ways of achieving their goals. There are are no right or wrong ways i think, it is purely the difference of perspective, what matter most to me is always how we walk through the journey, and during that walk, the foot prints that were left behind has it encouraged or discouraged people. Maybe it is too far fetched to think that we can change the world, but it is never too hard to make a little difference one person at a time. And i am fortunate enough say that i have quite a number of them in my on going journey now.

I guess what i am saying here today is no matter what are our dreams, goals, and how we are living, we should never forget our innocence of pure joy and happiness. And i am finding back mine now!

Awakening

2009-12-02T20:39:00.003+08:00

I see trees of green
Red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
and I think to myself What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, And Clouds of white
The bright blessed day,
And the dark sacred night
and I think to myself What a wonderful world.

Ok the above was exactly how i felt last week... it was simply wonderful.

But today it is not exactly a wonderful day, i scratched my car at the SGH car park in the morning! The trouble of sending it for respraying is really quite a pain!

Come Friday, it will be 3 weeks since i am discharged home, although the antibiotic treatments will have to continue for another 3 weeks at SGH, i am seriously getting very restless.

Coincidentally, and fortunately my best pal is clearing her leaves too, so the last week have been really fun, to the extend that i was totally carried away. Unconsciously, we drifted into lots of semi-retirement life style topics, we talked about life, real and simple love stories. I thought we had traveled through time, visiting all the beautiful places. I dreamed of the night that is full of stars at in the city of Lucerne, Switzerland, the blue and white roofs at Santorini, Greece. and perhaps maybe some Mayday concert in the Island where Grandfather called home... I cannot remembered when was the last time that i have been so carefree and happy.. It was like a beautiful dream, in a totally different world from where i am now.

Like a well twisted drama, the short fairy tale was awakened to realize we are not alone, someone we both cared n loved is infiltrating back to his 'rightful' position;
Like a bubble, my fantasy slowly evaporated.
i might have have linger a little too long? Or that i might have tried to help too much? And got sucked into a never intended Bermuda Triangle. After much deliberation, and one last good talk in the afternoon, i have marked my own end of involvements, it is becoming a bit too heavy for me.

The short yet carefree life someday i hope i can revisit it all over again, but now is almost time to wake up. With the renewed energy, i need to get the groove going, i have to find things to do!!!!!!!!

I guess also that visions and dreams don't just come to you by just sitting and waiting for it to drop from somewhere, because it is just not happening!

So, i will just keep walking, as the days unfold, i am sure i will find the way.
But why is yesterday's blues still here?!give me some greens, some yellow, or some purple? or pink? give me a rainbow perhaps?! Pls?
:|

blues..

2009-12-01T21:08:00.002+08:00

Today is one of the rare blue day. I woke up feeling blue, came home from the hospital feeling blue, and still blue after my afternoon nap.. and it just doesn't get better into the day.. it is one big blue blue day.

And in such a blue day, somehow i will just get melancholy about life, love and happiness. It is a huge topic, and i am no expert in them all.

Life comes in all forms, while some are struggling with basic needs, city dweller like me has the luxury of lamenting about it AGAIN; it is ironic, on one hand i am thankful for who i am and what i have, on the other hand, i just wished to have a simpler form of life.. it is complicated, and the blues sure not helping it.

Love? At one moment, i can tell a friend to go for it, to stop procrastinating and take actions, i said sure maybe someone better are out there, but if it is me, i were never hesitate, for i know only i can love the girl the way i love, and make her the happiest person in the planet... Sounds like some scripts right?
Then the next moment i would say if you really love the girl, you can't be selfish, you gotta let her go, for loving someone is not about owning her, it is to make sure she is happy even without you. nuts isn't it?!!? So now we know, comes to love issues, never come to me for advise, i will only confuse you! i am confused myself too.

Happiness? maybe it is Good Life + Love = happiness?
I think happiness it's to have no worries about the next meal and the next next of cos, have someone u truly loves and she is really happy! have two beautiful little angels and stays in a really cozy flat. Grow old and watch the children grow up and have their own families, still holding on to your partners wrinkled hands, take the slow stroll along the park, stop by the bench underneath the palm trees, watch the sun set ... how nice right?

If i can i will write and live in my own fairy tale and never wake up from it!!!!
that is not possible of cos. Darn!

and my blues are not going away!!! looks like it's gonna sleep with me tonight...

New life... ...

2009-11-21T10:42:00.003+08:00

Today is my best pal's birthday, and coincidentally its also a month now since the operation was done. I am slowly getting back my feet to the ground, the antibiotic treatment won't be over until next sat, so November is officially over for me, and all i hope now its for the infection to get out of the way, before i can start getting focus on the new lease of living.

My dear friend mentioned that she was the one always calling me to ask about me, and she was so right; i am lousy when it comes to talk about my problems.In fact, i never like to talk about problems, for i know talking about it just won't solve anything, it'll probably made me feel worse, maybe, maybe not? But of cos, when its all bottomed up and gonna over-flow, i'll still have this dear friend to whine about life.

So ok, The operation is a huge success according to my doctors, it is a huge relieved to the dear people around me. I am thankful! very thankful! I have to credit all these to God, without His grace and mercy, all will not be possible.
One month is gone, i am getting back my strength back bit by bit, and at the same time, i have to cope with the whole new life, everything is different, the real challenge is not the op, is after the op! I have to admit that many many times i have doubts if i can really live on with the changes! The limitations and inconveniences are going to follow me the rest of my life! can i really handle it?

Well actually it's a dummy question, i mean can i handle it?!? do i have a choice? Of all people, i should be the last person to have a second thought about all these right? Sometimes i wish that i can think and feel the logical but without emotions way, yet can a man made of flesh able to behave in such 'perfect' mode?

In anyway, i am just venting my frustrations here, i know as time go by, i will slowly get use to this, i will made the best out of this, i know and i know.!!!
But now just let me whine... let me be weak for a while, allow me to complain; and dun get me talk about my problems, it is a taboo now, cos this is not something anyone can help, i alone has to overcome the psychological barrier. It is gonna take sometime, but rest assured, i wont waste too much time on it too, time is simply too precious.

Oh.. no, i am not gonna be a one man island or a hermit yet, taking time off from the problems is just a mental break for me. i cant imagine being alone for even a second! It kills me when i think i am gonna be a lonely old man! hahahahahah..

This morning sun is exceptionally refreshing, and the breeze is cooling, the morning drive from the hospital is enjoyable.. i like my car! :)

And to my best pal, the perfect woman in my opinion, happy birthday to you! I am sure all the goods things are gonna come your way!

21st Oct 2009

2009-11-17T14:32:00.002+08:00

I guess I will never forget this date!

At 0600H, I was woken up by the nurses for their routine checks on all patients. It's 2 hours away from the operation. To say i had no fears would be a bluff, yet at the same time i had been waiting for the moment to come for almost 4 weeks of agonizing delays. I knew the odds were simply too low, my life very highly could just end there and then. But i thought myself again and again, i had tried my best, exhausted all my abilities and will for the last 3 years, there was really nothing left in me except to leave everything to God. And i thought, if it were to end then, i had no regrets either, I am no perfect men, but i have lived an honorable life; i might not have experience everything in life, but it's enough or so i thought.

At 0630H, one by one, my whole family arrived, my parents, dajie, er jie, my brother and two brother-in-laws. Moments after, Ling kai and charlie's family, chen wei, daphne and Edwin, Julia and Chee wee all arrived at the ward as well. It's a weds morning, all of them took leave to give me their supports! to be honest, i needed it badly, and just so glad that they are all there.

At 0700H, time to change for the op. Thank God ling kai was there, being a man of God, he was a constant calm and peace to my over anxious family.

At 0730H, Of all things, i did not leave a will! Sub-consciously i just did not want to sabotage myself the already low odds. But What if it happened!? unfortunately i had to leave this burden to my dearest Tan when i knew she wasn't having the best time of her life too. she could hardly hold back her tears when i told her my last instructions; it sure hurts to see your best pal cry, all i wished for her is that she'll be happy always.

At 0800H, I was ready to go in, and then all of the sudden, emotions started to break out, first is mum, then follow by my father and sisters, one by one, they started crying, i could hardly hold back mine, i had to reassure them that i was gonna be ok, yet seeing them with all tears, my tears went out of control too. It felt like life and death separation kind of scene, i thought this only happened in the dramas?

At 0810H, not sure abt the time anymore, but the moment i am in the ops room, all was all too familiar, just this time i know the op is gonna take the whole day. I recited palms 23 and quickly i was unconscious... no dreams.. nothing..

At 1700H, the very first moment i regained my consciousness, the pain was excruciating! But i needed an answer, i needed to know if the op is a success, that the tumor is all removed, that i can live again!!! Drifting in and out of consciousness, finally i was pushed out where the 14 dear people are all waiting for me, Dajie did not failed me, she was quick to tell me the op is a success! when i heard that, i channel all my strength to my right arm and lifted my fist towards the 14 dear people. Yes, i made it! And then i was back to unconsciousness again. Phew...

I heard from Ling Kai and Tan subsequently, on how they all waited outside of the ops room from the moment i was in till i was out again, how they rushed to the door whenever its opened and to realize it was not me... every time when i imagine the very scene, it always drive me to tears. I am a very lucky man, a very lucky lucky man! I have strong family support, loving mum and sisters, incredible brother in Christ and my ever green charlies' angels and partner. I have all the best things in life, I am blessed! God is Good!

... ...

2009-09-19T09:11:00.003+08:00

I dun have a title for this. In fact i don't even know where to begin...
It's bad news...
After almost 3 years, i am back to ground zero. Tumor is still there, cancer indicator is still inclining upwards. I have no choice but to confront the reality, death, painful death is imminent unless i were to turn to the last option of drastic operation which was proposed since day one.

To be really honest, when cancer relapsed back then, I was so resolute against the operation, it was better to be dead than were to live with the post-op consequences i thought! But time flies, with a physical body so badly restricted by the cancer and it's treatments, i had accomplished nothing. I am literally trapped. I need more time...

Night time lately is especially torturous, i can't sleep well, so bad, i am almost getting suicidal. It's getting physically and mentally challenging. I need a way out, death was more than once an option thru the many sleepless nights. But i have so many things yet to accomplish, the work i always said i wanna do to make a difference, and my family, and the angel i promised to love and guard for the rest of my life. I am only 30, i can't let it end here. i need a way out, i cant simply allow the light of my life slowly diminished into the darkness.

The new stents are not working well according to the blood test.Something is very wrong, i am waiting anxiously for coming thurs to come so that i can get a far more clear picture of what is going on. But more or less, i am 90% certain, the drastic operation i rejected all these time is the only way our for me, if i want to live! There are still many concerns about the complications of the operation i need to talk it out with the surgeons on thurs, the mortality risk of the op is also relative high even though they had reassured me many times that younger person like me have high chance of pulling through. Coupled with many other potential side effects of the op, life after that will not be normal anymore. But with so many things yet to accomplish, my mind is set, i need to do all it takes to stay alive.

It is really strange, i was fearless of death, i was prepared to perish with this cancer 2 years back. I am not getting the miracle, God did not heal me like i hope He would, i have possibly exhausted all possible treatments, orthodox or unorthodox means, or mixing the western and chinese medicines, or add on the different kind of fringe medicines that gave so much promises. But all failed! 2 years and 9 months of trying, not only i had exhausted all my brilliant ideas, and also my hope and resolves for the miracle that is yet to come. Being suicidal is only a moment of weakness, i know i won't, it's cowardice. Then again, the risk of the op can be fatal too, am i brave? Or that i was just giving up trying on my own resolves? I am exhausted to the brink of breaking down, i am really tired of all these, when will this be ever over?!

Exhaustion, add on frustration and confusion this is probably my state of mind now.

Dap said something that also echoed a little voice in me yesterday, that maybe everything is a process, 2 years and 9 months ago i was not prepared to walk that path, but maybe this period was just to prepare me for that. Maybe she is right, God in all His mercy and Grace knows that i wont be able to take it then, He had preserved me for 2 years and 9 months, and now it is time for me to walk that path? To stay alive, this is the only option. Maybe just maybe, life after op is the miracle that is awaiting me?

Why So Serious

2009-09-12T17:48:00.004+08:00

Quoting from the Joker ( the late Heath Ledger) from movie The Dark Knight.
" Why So serious?"
....
..
.
It is coming to the end of 4 weeks since the operation, and i am still not back to my normal routine. The bleeding and pain though has subsided but still a constant discomfort i have to face daily. I was too naive to think that i can be back so soon when i was first discharged. An rare display how i can also be a simpleton. I was simply silly la.

Staying home for so long almost suffocated me, i was becoming irritable and frustrated. Walking from one point of the house to another point of the house, the four walls was quickly turning into a 'cage' and i am the wounded bird thats so trapped inside. I think i almost gone insane really.

I figured i can never be 100% before i come out again, since thurs i started to come out a bit more. Whether is visiting the office or out to window shop, all of it keep me sane. And i am so thankful that i stepped out of the 'cage', the fresh air outside always rejuvenate my spirit.
Last night especially, Heng, Tan and I were at east coast park for dinner and followed by chilling at the live band cafe beside. The food was good, but the company was simply fantastic. I am always so thankful for them.
The hour plus at the cafe in east coast brought back many memories. We chit chatted away about our younger days; how we used to have BBQ, watched sun rise and sun sets and of cos also the meteorites watching.
I guessed i also had almost forgotten ECP was my favorite hang out place, i had so much fun with Eileen and my cutest smartest Spice. This part of memories was locked up at a corner of my brain until yesterday.

Looking back, I am two years senior to my peers, with exposure to older friends outside, i remembered i was totally fun loving and mischievous even. But somehow as i get older, i got more serious with myself, so bad that it is like all 'work' and no play makes L.S a boring man. My friend tut in recent years always gave me that. There is no doubt that i definitely like myself, goal driven, self dependent these are all my strength, aren't there???

A voice was clearly spoke to me when i was there sitting and enjoying the music, it said " WHY SO SERIOUS?"
This 3 words keep popping up in my head the whole time last night there.
Recent years i am just too uptight with myself, yes i am. And it become a stumbling block between me and God.
I thought i clearly heard Him last night. " i have given u freedom and liberty, walk in my light and also have fun, WHY SO SERIOUS?"

It is good to know what i want, but if i am so caught up with my own ideas, principles or even dreams, how can God walk in? God is a symbol of Love, peace, and hope and many more, but i've forgotten He is also freedom and liberty. People in the world will abuse freedom and liberty on one hand, but on the other i should not have forgotten the gifts and use it in a good way.

After so many years of being a Christian, i admit i am a slow learner.,,,

But its ok, WHY SO SERIOUS, just let go and Let GOD.

Post Op

2009-08-21T22:24:00.002+08:00

I am really thankful the procedure on Monday went on smoothly, it was nonetheless a really painful experience.
The night stay in the Ward was totally unbearable. Some good friends and charlies' girls were again there to cheer me up. When all were gone, i was left alone. The bed was warm, ventilation was bad, i could hardly move becos of the tubes and the pain from the operation. Every hour was excruciatingly hard to bear. The ipod that i brought along was the only distraction i could have, of cos i also tried to read the bible. The night crawled by, one minute after another, one hour after another hour, It was the longest night ever.
I had anticipated that actually, and usually my mum will stay behind to keep me company through the night, but my recent years of bad health had also put a toll on hers. Whenever i see her wrinkled face and full of graying hairs, it just remind me of my helplessness over my dependence on her. At her age, she should be comfortable and without worries anymore... These thoughts are a constant burden to my mind lately, despite the extreme pain, and the the expected long horror night, i put up a strong front and asked mum to go back with the rest.

Fast forward to now, however long the night was on monday, i was totally relieved to come back home on tues, the internal bleedings and pain are slowly fading away.
I slipped out to watch Jack Neo's horror comedy, it was a cheap flick, an opportunistic film to catch the hungry festival mood, but coming out of home and watch with a dear friend was the real joy really.
I might have over strained though, the bleeding and pain escalated after i came back, thankfully it was only temporal. A few more day of good rest, i think i will be able to go back for a small swim... Tues? i am positive!

Op is on tomorrow,

2009-08-16T21:20:00.003+08:00

After much delayed, the operation to change the stents will be on tomorrow morning.

I am going in out of hospital too many times of my liking, needless to say about the pain associated with it, thinking of all these, shrinks my guts, and make me really anxious and uncomfortable. i guess this will be over too, i just need to keep my faith, i know i should.

Hais, so based on the admission brief, i will be a warded for two days, and i hope i can be back home the latest on weds.
Some dear frens who have always been around will be coming to keep me company is prob the only consolation going into the hospital. Can't believe if there is any patient who dislikes visitors right? I mean the hospital is a really sad and boring place, with visitors, even the air is dead still. ok i am digressing, even though the situation is tough, but i have many people to thanks to make it so much easier. Apart from my family, Lk and cg guys to count on prayers, charlies' angels for company, and of cos the many other dear frens. In the midst of all the misfortunes, i am blessed, ain't I?

It's been a month of time off, i am slowly grasping what's awaiting for me, though not exciting, but definitely worth living for. All goes well after the op, God willing, it'll be time for me to finally start on what might just be the reason why i am still here!?!

Mental breaks

2009-07-27T21:39:00.003+08:00

I have many ways to do self therapy, to swing myself back to the mood of happiness. It works me well, until recent months. I have the strong urge to have something different; to be less constraint, to loosen up of sorts.

Well, and i did, i bought a new car, a convertible, to fulfill one of those things that i always want. I have been always careful, cautious to be exact even though i appear otherwise, and contrary to what many of my friends thought, i happened to be really down to earth. Buying the car took me very long to make the call, finances and practicalities, in the end, on the irony, it is the uncertainties ahead that push me to "Just Do It". ( I am never quite a car person, well, a convertible is every boy's ideal ride isn't it?)

And i have another break from my routine self, i almost stopped work for a while now, attending only those important appointments and meetings. It was a little uncomfortable for a while, having a unproductive week usually would have put me in red alert, not to mention one whole month? The fear of losing the 'mojo' at work still pinch me quite a bit, i can never go to the office without looking at the production board. sigh... hahah.. at times like this i find myself really really really complicatedly and beautifully made.

I am not sure when i can be back to myself again, but with the operation on 3rd Aug coming, including the recuperation period, i guess this break is gonna take another month. To be honest, idling is not necessarily a bad thing for me, considering the fact that i am actually fighting to stay alive now, a total break from my routine should be healthy. In a ideal world, of course it is!!! Problem is i am living in an imperfect one. :(@#%#%@#%&#$^$@!#@%

I have certain peace in my current change of routine, somehow i am also searching for a greater purpose and calling, i thought there must be also another way to leave my foot prints.

Repeating swimming, gym, yoga this week again, i have to be in the best shape for my op, and the rest can wait i guess.

Thoughts

2009-07-09T22:57:00.002+08:00

There is never a doubt that being alive is a blessing.

We are are brought into this world for a purpose. Yet sometimes when i walk past the foreign workers, it always set me thinking. Are we are all born equal? Really?

Staying in Singapore shield many of us from witnessing the many sufferings around the world. Yes, we'll sigh for the the moment when we read the news, and quickly we are back to our world. We have to! need to! All of us can feel, and empathized, but isn't that the easiest part? i mean, even animals have emotions right?

And then of course a good fraction of us will do something more than feel the feel by extending our time and money to different causes. Make a little difference one step at a time. i like this group of people of course, after all imagine if everyone in this world can do this, wouldn't it make this world a better place?

There is another class of people, who devote their life for a greater cause. This group is a minority naturally, rightfully so, because if everyone were to do 'volunteering', then i am afraid economy will not grow, this world will stagnant instead right?

On the first look, it seems like quite an easy equation. We all do our best to make a living, and when we can, contribute a bit of our time and money to the society or the world, and when we have enough of all the desires of the world, we will devote our life fully to 'save' the world. In such equation, no one will be born poor one day, we will indeed born equal then.

Reality and ideals never quite cross their paths often enough, especially so in this case. We have probably forgotten that man are all birthed with flaws; "desires'' of a human heart often drive us towards to the seven sins, greed, lust, gluttony etc... and if only it is stopped there! but it does not, we witness War, poverty, crimes and all the brokenness this world offers, all are the results of our selfish exploits at the expenses of other people, other company, other race, other country and the list goes on. As long as it is 'other', it doesn't matter? what if we are also other side's 'other'? does this explain the ceaseless struggles and brokenness in this world?

So the problem still lies with us right?

I have heard very often' it is my life ' from many people, and even myself. But is it true that we own the rights to our life? Maybe? or maybe not? One thing is certain i believe, that is we are all born for a purpose, and that purpose is definitely not for ourselves, but for others!!! Take a simple look at how this world works, when we plant a seed, we will reap the fruit someday. Sowing and reaping is an eternal true principal.

The thought of the day, our life is not our own, it's co-owned by the people around us, whether or not we fulfill our purpose, it really depends if we make a positive contribution to our social world. Every footstep will leave a footprint, have i left mine? how many more to go?

Vexing

2009-06-15T22:48:00.002+08:00

I have never been quite so lost in my thoughts before.
There seem to be one thousand things to do and sort out.

And lately, my secretary is giving me a lot of headache, she just can't work independently, always lost in her world.. which i always know.. sigh.. but why is she not learning? at times, when i found out the mess she created for me, i can almost boiled to the extend of wanting to murder someone!!! REally quite speechless, i guess i still cant count on her to do anything more than the basic filing and stuffs. I need more time to train her, which is what i dont have, what a tragic.

I guess i need some time to plan out my things properly. nothing seems right lately..
I thought of taking a break away from everything, and go somewhere and take my mind off, and then there is the H1N1 flu to worry about, where else can i go?

AM i worrying too much? maybe be i should not be thinking too much??? is there a switch on the brain? switch it off for a week, let me be normal for as short as a week, where i can live without so much worries and troubles? this is like hoping against hope?

I need to find solace in God, only in Him i can find peace, and i know i am not spending enough time on this.. it is not a habit yet? i need to expedite on this!

Am i too uptight? Gosh.. i keep thinking i am losing it...
:(

long time no see

2009-06-11T23:14:00.003+08:00

It is been a quite a while before the last time i visited this blog

Since the beginning of the year i have been writing less here. It was really a sub conscious efforts of not to dwell on the constant bad new, but to live on a purposeful life as much as i can.

It is almost three months since the last blog, TS1 did not work at all, it had to discontinue and revert back to Xeloda, with lower dosage bearing in mind of the pain that the side effects bring about.

Doctor Simon has come back a new drug, again.. but this supposedly less potent or poisonous chemo treatment has its extreme side effects that have me thinking if i should indeed try??!! At the end of the day, my only concern is if the chemo is going to kill the cancer fast enough before it consumes my life altogether too. I need more time to think through, and yes i had used my 30th birthday as a reason and also an excuse to push back the possible new treatment. However one thing that is almost certain, unless a miracle happens, this war that i have been fighting, undeniably as optimistic as i could, fear of losing it all is creeping in...

Now back to something lighter, turning 30 has become a reality, and my birthday celebration that night was good and fun, other than some important friends who could not turn up for various reasons, most of my good friends did make the trouble to join me on the tuesday night. It was exhaustive to organize a party for a 100 people, but given this experience, the next round will be a rock!

Went to the PC show at suntec just now at 4pm, it was the first time i ever walk into one of such, what was supposedly lesser crowd was still quite a rude shock to me! the place was loaded with people! If not because i had to get a new lap urgently, i would have make a u turn and leave. The good news is i did manage to get a new Fujisu lap top, the bad news, i am $2000 poorer.. and plus a $70 traffic fine for leaving my car at the wrong place... xianz..
Come to think of it, i might have over spent.,, :(, oh well, it better last as long as the old one eileen passed me 4 years ago...

Tomorrow late afternoon i really have to go for the CT scan that i have postponed too many times, God be with me! I am sort of coming to my wits end, nothing and no else but God can help. God be with me.

TS-1

2009-03-27T23:19:00.003+08:00

Life is like a drama, and people come and go in our life! Death is indeed an eventual path for everyone. And the journey meanwhile is indeed precious however long or short one might think, it is still not enough time to accomplish all the things i want to do.
Two more months, and then i will be 30! IT IS 30!!!!! HAA.. incredible!!!

Lately i have been kind of addicted to THE SEVENTH DAY tvb drama! The show is about relationships on two different couples, it is a really sweet drama, and makes the audience like me to believe in fairy tale loves all over again. Not that i don't believe in one, but it certainly refreshes my spirit. In the drama, one of the female lead was found to have contracted a form of cancer, and how the bf stood by her was really really touching, i even found my eyes getting wet over it. Maybe, it reminded me of my own predicament, what happened on the screen is indeed quite a contrast to where i am today. Nope, not gonna dwell on this, but life is in deed like a drama, people come and go, and those who are always around, man, how lucky i am, for they are my constant consolation over the those that left. well in life, we win some, and we lose some right!

Coping with cancer is not easy, but i guess i have been doing ok! being ill nonetheless makes me different! i cannot be in activities like everyone else. I have limited energy for everyday day, and most of it i will have to channel it to work, i have to do it this way, i need to have something to look forward to, i have to keep the 'work done' to remind myself i am still relevant, that i can still do better than lots of people.
I have drastically reduced my leisure hours, sometimes almost non-existing. My work typically starts from the late afternoon and ends around 9pm. Turning down to join friends for drinks or chill outs is often done with much reluctance but not without frustrations. I don't really have many really close friends, if i were to really count! And those who are truly understanding and truly concerns of me are even lesser, but but they are already more than enough, in fact i think i am luckier than lots of people out there!
It is unfortunate that i have to lose a few friends in the midst of rehabilitation, i am disappointed no doubt, more so that i really detest it when i have to explain too many times why i cant be there, that i needed rest!! i would think it is pretty dummy proof.

So WHAT IS TS-1??
Time flies, i have been on Xeloda, the chemo pill, for almost 9 months! unfortunately, it comes with side effects, before this month, things are still not so bad, but lately the HFS ( hand foot syndrome) has become too apparent! my skins on my hands and feet have become dry and tight, and even painful! To the extend that my toe nails are threatening to fall off!
And this has to happen when my CEA level is not too stable, today;s medical appointment with Doctor Simon again brought no relieves, CEA is up a point not own!!! He recommended a new drug call TS-1 to replace the Xeloda, it is supposed to be better, but more damaging to the immune system. Being new, it also means it is not a widely approved drug to be used in Singapore although it's already very widely used in Japan. I can only begin this new drug in a week, i have a good hunch, this new drug will work well for me!!!

tomorrow is weekend again!!! time pass too fast!!! can i slow the time?

interstig post from a friend note!

2009-03-12T13:11:00.002+08:00

A note from a father to the son's teacher!

He will have to learn, I know,
that not all men are just,
all men are not true.
But teach him also that
for every scoundrel there is a hero;
that for every selfish politician,
there is a dedicated leader...
Teach him for every enemy there is a friend.

Steer him away from envy,
if you can,
teach him the secret of laughter.

Let him learn early that
the bullies are the easiest to lick..
Teach him,
if you can,
the wonder of books...
But also give him quiet time
to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky,
bees in the sun,
and the flowers on a green hillside.

In the school teach him
it is far honourable to fail
than to cheat...
Teach him to have faith
in his own ideas,
even if everyone tells him
they are wrong...
Teach him to be gentle
with the gentle people,
and tough with the tough.

Try to give my son
the strength not to follow the crowd
when everyone is getting on the bandwagon..
Teach him to listen to all men
but teach him also to filter
alll he hears on a screen of truth,
and take only the good
that comes through.

Teach him if you can,
how to laugh when he is sad...
Teach him there is no shame in tears,
Teach him to scoff at cynics
and to beware of too much sweetness...
Teach him to sell his brawn
and brain to the highest bidders
but never to put a price tag
on his heart and soul.

Teach him to close his ears
to a howling mob
and to stand and fight
if he thinks he's right.
Treat him gently, but do not cuddle him,
because only the test
of fire makes fine steel.

Let him have the courage
to be impatient...
Let him have the patience to be brave.
Teach him always
to have sublime faith in himself,
because then he will have
sublime faith in mankind.

This is a big order,
but see what you can do...
He is such a fine fellow,
my son!

complex being

2009-02-19T23:21:00.002+08:00

I have been caught with a complex mixed of feelings for a long time.
I find it hard to comprehend, something that is beyond words.

There are days that i feel really good especially those days when i am at the pool, but there are also those days i felt really lost, and perhaps lousy about myself. Maybe it is an old Gemini characteristic, i am really not sure, but it is definitely not a good spell.

Maybe it is the circumstances that are weighing on me, the reality that i need to accept the limits and restrictions that are placed over my life. Being a free minded all my life, this is a bitter pill that's hard to swallow, not so mention to live with it. Honestly i hate this! Maybe the tone is stronger than how i am actually felt, but if i can help it, i would want to fast forward this trial.

Reality being reality, somethings are indeed beyond me, being level headed and rational also meant that i am in lack of loosing myself a little sometimes. It is like i am unhappy, yet i know i should not be unhappy, and i can mechanically alter my mood by doing something to get myself to the chirpy side almost too fast! It is weird and complicated, having such ability is a plus of course, but something is missing..

Maybe i don;t want to cheer myself up all the time, maybe understanding myself is not good enough, i need someone to understand me? Is this an exhibition act that indirectly depicts how my inner being is really doing ?

I have great friends, i can make them laugh, and they always make my days, but it is just not enough... hmm.. not on a day that i am alone sitting here writing my frustrations.
I am complicated today.

interesting post to know a little of myself

2009-02-07T15:14:00.002+08:00

FOOD-OLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Sushi tei dressing

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Sushi Tei.. or any other restaurant

What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
sweet potato!

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
tomatoes?

What do you like to put on your toast?
din have this for a long time

TECHNOLOGY

How many television sets are in your house?
2. one in my room that's hardly watched

What color of cell phone do you have?
Brown

ps. I think this technology section is lame.

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
too much actually. i have one more to remove! the tumor

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
eileen?( ha... don;t kill me! but i had only two gf u see, the other one is really small).

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
yes, by a basket ball when i was like 6? i fainted for a whole day.

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No thanks.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I have many name. i like all of them. lianshu or Rome are my favorite :p

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
NO. Because I might die first. I can't tolerate spicy food.

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2!

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never.

Last person you talked to?
my mum. she is my guardian angel

Last person you hugged?
brian, my nephew.

FAVORITOLOGY

Season?
summer.

Holiday?
only if with friends or love ones

Day of the week?
Sun! i get to go church!

Month?
December! Because it's my holiday month. don;t have to work

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?
all the time

Mood?
Tired, but unable to sleep.

What are you listening to?
Josh groban's DVD

Watching?
Josh Groban's DVD

Worrying about?
i shouldn't!

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning?
meet a client

What's the last movie you saw?
In the theatre: Love matters! disappointing show really

Do you smile often?
Like a madman.

QUESTIONS

1)Do you always answer your phone?
All the time

2) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
is there such person? Probably got killed by me by now

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
amber? I like what i have now actually

4)What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Simi Sonic? I only drink water!

5) Do you own a digital camera?
Yes and I always forget to bring it out.

6) Have you ever had a pet fish?
Nope

7) Favorite Christmas song?
Cannot remember the title

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Hmm... cancer is gone, CEA dropped to zero.

9) Can you do push ups?
100?

10) Can you do a chin up?
15.

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited!

12) Do you have any saved texts?
Yes important schedules from clients?

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
yup.

14) Do you have an accent?
Nah.. i don;t think so.

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Amazing Grace
16) Plans tonight?
SLEEP, EVENTUALLY.

17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yup.. 5 years ago when i knew i had cancer, and then two years ago when CA came back.

18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week
supplements! and more supplements

19) Have you ever been given roses?
By Nerissa, she can be so sweet.

20) Current worry?
i shouldn't!

21) Current hate right now?
No hates! i am filled with grace and love.

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yep ;) God counts right?

23) How did you bring in the New Year!
at home with friends

24) What song represents you?
can't think of any
25) Name three people who might complete this?
Aiyah, if u are reading this and really really bored, you should. just copy and paste and fill in your own answers

26) What were you doing at 12 AM last night
Home. getting ready to sleep
27) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
How many hours i manage to sleep through out

i am going to live!

2009-01-31T20:51:00.003+08:00

Chinese new year is typically a very quiet thing for me, every year i find myself stay home with the couch, tv and potatoes for the whole of the holiday. This new year make no differences, i stayed home through out, boredom with some exaggeration almost become suicidal seriously!?! ha..

I saw how my siblings' own family's togetherness in the new year, i was full of envy, i have always want to have my own since early 20s, somehow it is just not yet for me, and this new year year at the same time also amplify how 'lonely' i am at a time like this. This is another moment of me lamenting about life, i know actually i am already very blessed in many ways.

January is coming to the end, and Friday's appointment with Doctor Tan and Doctor Simon brought no encouragement, quite the opposite in fact. CEA is on the up trend, which brought no relief to me or my family.
Coming to the beginning of 3rd year, face to face with cancer, with so many ups and downs, i am growing immune to the bad news, growing tired of writing about this problem.
It has been 2 year plus, too many times i down played the fatality of this illness that i am fighting with to the people around me, it also almost helped to make belief to myself and the rest that this war can be won comfortably somehow.. it is a subconscious thing.
It is not exactly wrong, i am just trying to be my best positive self.
And so the latest test result is a stern reminder of this life threatening illness that i am facing. I mean i am always aware of it, just that talking about the bad and negatives has not been part of me for a long time. And because of this, i have also made some sub conscious decisions over my career, love and family. All in all, i guess i am just taking practical steps that is fair and balance for this part of the journey.
So two year plus of a long war that i am fighting also taught me many things, like the importance of family, love and friendships. And many times, revelation from God helped to pull me out of the pits.
It is tough, but rather than focusing on the problems, i have a new revelation that i need to get start a new beginning with a new attitude towards this.
Also i know that there is a season for everything, i have so much to learn and so much i want to do for this world, so this means i need more time, perhaps the rest of my life!!! Till 120 years old according to my grandma. :)

SO, I am going to live, a healthy and happy life !!

A song tells a thousands words!

2009-01-15T09:25:00.002+08:00

I have been listening to a lot of Josh Groban's songs lately, i am a fan! I can stayed home to watch his DVD concert for hours.. and repeat it the very next day.
And one of the song that i especially love is the one below; one which always remind me of someone close to my heart. And this is for her!

You're still You

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

"THE PRAYER"

2009-01-14T10:11:00.002+08:00

The Lyrics of a song sing by Josh Groban that i listened while on home leave last week, it helped so much in building and holding onto my faith.

"The Prayer"

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu dai

I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restera
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza

Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita

La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera

A week of horror and love

2009-01-12T10:57:00.006+08:00

This was last week!

What was supposedly a day operation, ended up become 6 days of hospitalization with me 4 times on the operation table through the 6 days.

Some really important friends turned up to cheer me on, and they really make it so much easier. Yet on the other end, someone was so closed then did no more than a cold text, i have no idea why i feel how i felt. But in my moment of pain and weaknesses, i always become more emotional. In my heart, i kept repeating i am missing you, but the only cold text i got which also coupled with work stuffs, really pushed me further to suppress the feelings. It was just so cold.. sighz ... what do i expect really?

Thankfully, i have my angels to love, all married they might be, but still dear and close to me, after more than a decade old, this is precious!!!
There is an old saying, you can really tell who are with you, and have you in their heart when you are down and out, i am so thankful that i have so many hands stretching to me and cheering and pulling me up each time i am down. They are precious!!!

Besides my angels n hubbies, thanks neo for driving my mum to and fro for me, and for fetching me home on sat. Thanks tut for going the distance and picking up my medicines and waking up early on thurs morning to send me back to hospital; thanks to LK for standing with me for almost 4hours on fri day, without which, i doubt i was able to come home on sat; thanks neighbor for the oranges, biscuits and also as my office messenger, thanks to all who come, and the heartwarming messages.

Thank God for giving me faith, so that i am safe now at home.

Life's balance sheet!

2009-01-04T12:54:00.002+08:00

An email sent by a dear friend, So you think you got a balance life?
read this and think again! :)

Our Birth is our Opening Balance!

Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account

The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.

The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

Some very Good and Very bad things ...
The most destructive habit....... .......... ......Worry
The greatest Joy......... ......... ......... ....Giving
The greatest loss.......Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work........ .......Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....... ......Selfishness
The most endangered species..... ....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.... .......Our youth
The greatest 'shot in the arm'........ Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.... ........Fear
The most effective sleeping pill....... Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease.......Excuses
The most powerful force in life......... .......Love
The most dangerous act...... ...A gossip
The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain
The worst thing to be without..... ......... Hope
The deadliest weapon...... ......... .....The tongue
The two most power-filled words........... 'I Can'
The greatest asset....... ........... .......Faith
The most worthless emotion.... ........Self- pity
The most beautiful attire...... ......... ....SMILE!
The most prized possession.. ......... .....Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication. ...Prayer
The most contagious spirit...... ......Enthusiasm

Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing...!!!

Happy new year!

2009-01-01T22:11:00.002+08:00

Phew, it is now officially 2009!

I have made several resolutions, and the first and foremost is to stay healthy and strong, and there are already a few things i have to get past soon. It will begin with Doc Simon's appointment tomorrow morning to check on my CEA level, and immediately followed by an operation that i really dreaded of going to change the stems in my kidneys on next Monday. It'll be painful, and probably disable me for a week and followed with another week of mandatory rest at home.

Seriously, this is not quite the way to start off a new year i wish for, but looking at the brighter side, i get to quickly get the nagging 'pain' of medicals off my path, before i set off my journey for a better year! I have a lot of good thoughts towards this new year, i am going to stay on top of all the hurdles and move to greater heights!

Oh, Eileen is off to London again, somehow i felt handicapped once again without her around. The kind of emotional support she brings is almost irreplaceable, but she has her life in London, and i have mine here, guess this special friendship can only maintained by networks like emails and telecoms.

In view of the operation on Monday, i have to get myself physically prepared by doing more workouts the next three days.. i need to be in the best shape by then!

The most real things in life are the things that we can't see!

2008-12-25T09:55:00.005+08:00

Merry Xmas!!!

I read and come across an article questioning and telling the absolutely truth in life are the things that we can't see! It's sort of mind-boggling, but true to the core!

There are nothing as real as hope, love, friendship.. all of those that are intangible that also often missed by our own shortsightedness.

Coming to the end of the 2008, it is yet another eventful year, though not all good, but there are also highlights to linger on. There are also certainly many events that could turn me bitter and cold, but once my grievances are spoken and shared with a dear friend early of the month, that even though the apology never come, i have decided it is so much easier to just forgive

and possibly forget about it too.

Eileen is back! Right at the moment when i needed a friend that i can talk heart to heart. What we shared is of course no longer the bf/gf relationship, but definitely more than friendship. I could not put my thoughts into words the other day with her, but now i know what i wanted to say.

We have know each other since secondary three, in her words four years ago, our love story is almost as tragic as "Romeo and Juliet".. She has since settled down well in London for the last 4 years. This time when she's back, from all the little talks we have, i know she has indeed found her own life, her own world, it might be unfortunate that our destinies diverge, but i am still truly happy for her, and i know she feels the same way towards me as well too. we just have the best wishes for each other, and that's precious! That is most real!

Life

2008-12-15T22:48:00.003+08:00

I remembered one particular night, when i was a boy, probably 5, sitting alone outside my house, looking up the sky that is full of stars and wondered what's is ahead for my life. That moment i believe is the beginning of my life.

I have grown and learnt that life is short, colourful and challenging yet also beautiful. I know everyone of us has a story to tell, after all, every step that we take, do leave a foot print behind.

This morning i was informed that a friend had just passed away because of CA! I wasn;t sure if i was encouraging myself or comforting my friends when i said i am ok, and that i am not affected. I thought i wasnt!
come to think of it, i was caught in a shock, i did not know how to respond to it. I kept telling myself to think positive, not be affected, there are things that are beyond my understanding!
but how could i?
Through out my way to office, i was so burdened with different kind of emotions, i was urgently thinking of someone to call... in the end i did not. It was possibly the loneliest 45 minutes.
I thought i still have two person i can relate to... but one is still not back, another one is so happens to be away at taiwan for holiday! Sigh...
It was supposed to be a good start for the week, and when i found that my lap top charger was taken way from my table, i lost my cool for probably the first time in my 3 years at hsbc. Taking it out on the secretaries was never the intention, and when i went over to apologized, i finally blurred out about what happened to my friend, my tears just could not hold it back anymore.
I needed a pat on the back! tell me that this will be over too! Tx said that i am different, and i should not be reminded of the bad, but rather think of the positive. She was right, i was very affected.

I spent the afternoon lamenting about life, went for a massage to try so sleep the burden off but to no avail.
Thankfully, a good friend came along in the evening, and a 30mins alone sitting at the open area at raffles mrt smooth out the emotional day.

I think life is so frail, and it is so real. I have to excuse myself from his wake the next two days, but my prayers and thoughts are with his family now. Truth is there are no ways to explain why certain things like this happened, and i won't pretend i know or understand, and not discouraged... But it does not contradict the fact that my God is still a good God, and that He always has everything under control.

Life is short, temporal and frail, i am not sure if i am doing all the rights things all the time, but i will try! i want to live life without regrets, and everyone should also. Let's love and be loved. Moments like this also makes me take stock of my own life. I am thankful for all that i have, my family, good friends and most importantly my health.

Life is beautiful, and should be beautiful!

'My' Song

2008-12-14T18:15:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_INGUq-gQI4

Gotta Be Somebody- Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Nobody wants to be the last one there A
nd everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

Julia's wedding

2008-12-07T01:09:00.003+08:00

Julia, one of Charlie's angel got married tonight.
Looking back to the school days in Dunman, this fine lady has come a long way.. all of us do actually.
Julia, Dap and Tan have always been such close friends to me. It's been 10 plus years, and the friendship between us have also blossomed to almost 'kinship'. They are just like a family. they've seen through my ups and downs, most importantly, they are always around!
Charlie's girl is marrying tonight is the highlight of the day.

It was a lovely evening, and also brought out my sentimental side, i could not help but lament about my own love stories. Oh well... the right time and season will come.

At the dinner, i saw another friend of mine from DHS, she was down with CA almost the same time as i, but since then she had recovered, married and now pregnant with a baby girl of almost 8 months. Her experience had also got her closer to God, and i am very proud to say that this is another miracle blessed by God, even ah tut agreed.. but at the same time i also reminded him, that his dear friend, me, is another living example of miracle, sitting beside him on the table, and still playing football with him almost every week!

The few minutes of conversation was short yet warm, I am really happy for her, and also encouraged by her at the same time. We ended our conversation blessing each other, recognising God is indeed good, that miracles do exist!

He is good!

Time off

2008-12-04T10:39:00.002+08:00

We all need time off, be it physically, mentally or even emotionally?
I wish i can stay at my peak of optimism 24/7, but i guess i am still human after all, it is ok to take a little time off, to lie still on the couch, watch some dvds, catch some good sleeps.

I am just back from a morning session of some form training, a quick glance of what used to be such a familiar face has become so foreign take a hit at my emotional well being. There are many things in life that's beyond my means and control, this has to be one of them.

So again, i push away a lunch appt, and could have go bowling with neo, but time alone is the best antidote for a sluggish morning.

So here i am, thinking that everyone of us will have a song that echoes our inner soul, and if we don't have one, we should write one. I am gonna write one, but someone has to correct my gramma lo. haha..

Disturbing news..

2008-12-02T00:53:00.004+08:00

It has been quite a day.. woke up at 7am, needed to like two hours to decide on what to wear for a more formal meeting in the morning, had good lunch and managed to get a good message after that at a spa in orchard. And then meeting with boss in the evening, dinner at office area, and many phone calls to update my clients till like 9pm... when was the last time i had a day that's so filled up like that???
And it does not end there, My two pals were supposed to meet me at bedok at 10pm for some important meetings, but in the end, they were both late, by the time they reached, it's almost 11pm..

So something not so pleasant happened, while waiting for them i called an old friend for a drink at the bedok block 85.
I remembered when i know her, she was stilll an innocent school girl.. we are friend for almost like 12 years? nah nothing happended to our friendship, but she was sharing a bit of her life now. I appreciate very much her honest and straight forwardness in revealing that she's seeing two guys at the same time!!!
OK>> I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I HEARD REALLY...
And she knew i would be shocked...
The thing is, she and the bf had been together for almost like 5 years, and she's now seeing another guy for the last one month... and she's also aware that the 'new friend' has another relationship ongoing..
What's going on here?
I have to give credit to her honest confession, though after what i said to her, she said she should not have told me!..
Sigh... it is really disturbing!!
I know, what i heard might be getting a bit common nowadays, but still!!!!????!!!
She admitted that they are just in for the thrill.. and if it turn out to be something real, it's good news, if not, it's OK too?!?, and if they are caught by their partners, then it's just too bad...
And i asked if she's not serious about the current boyfriend, then why not end it instead to lead a life that's so full of deceits and lies, but she admitted that she's selfish, because until she's sure of the new relationship, she'll not let go of her current bf!
Speechless...
Well, i think it is easy for people to criticise such selfishness and immoral behaviours, but other people's experience and stories should serve more for our own self reflection and not made the same mistakes.

Her candid and matter of fact way of putting it really took me by surprise and I am not sure i did manage to talk any sense to her, so at end of the the very short catch up, i just urged her to take care of herself and not do anything that she'll regret later..
It's really disappointing to hear things like that, such stories i am hearing it a little more often than i like, yet i still believe these group of people are still the minority. One very pathetic commonalities among them it;s that they are so very often complaining about no true love, and love doesn't last, why this.. why that.. etc etc.. they just don't get it! how to find true love, when our self are not true? how to last when we are coveting over every new temptations given any new opportunities? Why this why that, why never ask about our own flaws and mistakes?
Everything should always start from our self! Right?!
I wish my friend well, and hope that someday she'll come to her senses, and hopefully it'll not be too late.

November Rain..

2008-11-30T22:20:00.002+08:00

This is a friend of mine favourite song by Guns n Roses.
And what i gonna said for the following has nothing to do with the song actually, it is just that whenever i think of the song it'll remind me of that friend, he always send us a message to welcome the November Rain almost every year on the 1st of November..

So, coming to the month end, i think this is one unusual month that's full of hiccups. It is a month of disappointments and let downs, also a month of amazing grace that i experienced from God. Nope, CEA did not dropped to a miraculous level that i hoped for, but nonetheless it retreated one point to 12. Given some basic understanding of the natural of the problem, it is already quite miracle i am at where i am, i am grateful and thankful. BUT BUT.. i know and i know, full recovery will come, CEA will drop to 0, I will be healed completely sooner than later, i have change my mindset about it, it'll come fast, and i am and will stay prepared for it to take place.

I have one good day, clear some unwanted expectations, brought a friend to church, and HA... i played almost 40 mins of 'competitive football' on a friendly game with current DHS school team.
i am having a bit of pains on the kidneys, due to over strained... but nothing can describe the feelings i had when i was on the pitch. i was savouring every single minute of it in the late afternoon.
So goodbye November rain, hello charismasy December.
I am trilled to say this, life is beautiful, mine is indeed yet to begin.

Time of the month

2008-11-27T23:58:00.003+08:00

It's conclusive, the last week of the month has become a week of anxiety, restlessness and maybe little bit bad tempered!

Unconsciously it is also a week when i become so ineffective at work that i dreaded of going to office.

This cycle has to come to an end soon, and i am looking forward to tomorrow for a good report.
Very long time ago, someone close would remember i always said with Saint Michael on my left, Saint Peter on my right, moses at my front, Jesus behind me, I am invincible! :)

Happy Thanks Giving

2008-11-27T10:03:00.004+08:00

Can't believe how time has passed so fast... it is already going into december, and soon new year!
It is like i don;t even have timeto catch my breathe, take a kitkat, sit at the side of the spring, and worrying nothing.

I would think we are all the same creation, i.e same kind of creatures; lamenting about life, on what could be done or could have done, and the many possbilities that were left undone, that constantly bugging our mind.

It is true that we cannot do much about the past, but the experiences of failures, mistakes and many lessons should never be forgotten, else wouldn't it meant we have wasted our past years??
In Life, we all have our transitional years, hopefully so for everyone; it is when we finally wake up, took the ownership and responsibilities that have been tasked upon us and do the best we can for the present and of course the future!

Time is indeed merciless, it forgives no one, wait for no one, it is either we ride on it's wave or be prepared to sweep to the sideline and be forgotten. It is afterall, our choice to make!

Anyway, Happy Thanks Giving for all the people that loved me and those that i love!
I am thankful for the grace on my mistakes, and all the experiences that helped to shape who i am; I am thankful for today, the very moment now; I am thankful for the tomorrows, it'll be better, much better, it'll be filled with hope, love and good health.

Convinced!

2008-11-23T23:03:00.002+08:00

Asia conference is finally over, Sat came and passsed without a bang, But very importantly, i am still on track for full recovery, i received this vision in full through out the whole week.

My dears friends, thanks for praying and fasting for me, like what i said, it did not happened with a bang, but it is still taking place right here right now. It is a process, takes a bit of time and patience, some day, soon, i will give thanks for the fruits of all you whom have laboured so hard in prayers for me! Yes soon!! i believe, so keep praying with me!

I was even more encouraged when Neo and nerissa were there to offer their support and even to offer their prayers in their own ways for me. I felt blessed, and more importantly, i have their salvation in mind whilst they have supports for me in theirs. The day will come too!

So it is a rare week where i hardly get to have a good rest, it's a week without weekends for almost all the attendees, i had hoped to attend to learn more, but physically it was just not possible.

In general, it is a great event, good conference, tonight's highlight before A.R Bernard's another mind blowing service has to be the performances of a lot of celebrities incluing JJ Lin, whom also shared the goodness of God in their life with us. It makes me feel so small, makes me wanna get healed quickly and do something, to make this life count, to be involved!!!

I am convinced of what i should do, will do, must do!

Healing

2008-11-22T09:40:00.003+08:00

Today has finally arrived!

A year and a half back, Benny Hinns was holding his healing service at Singapore indoor stadium. I had wanted to go so much in the midst of under going treatment with chemo and radiation. a last minute virus attack, had my fever shot up to 41 degrees in 3 consecutive days in the hospital, and when i realised that what could be my 'only hope' was dashed by the fever, i was sent into a hopeless pit.

I remembered Nerissa and my mum and sisters were all there, that was the moment i can't hide my fear and hopelessness anymore, i broke down, and tears started to flow down my cheeks. I thought that even God has forsaken me, i was losing hope.

Looking back, maybe everything happened for a reason, thankfully i pulled through from the virus attack. The year long battle with CA can be exhaustive, i know i have come a long way, at the same time i have grown to learn more about God, i learnt to let go, and let God. The journey towards Him is still a long way, but i am just as thankful that i am finally on the right track.

Today has finally arrived, i am anticipating great things and miracles to happen, i am hopeful, and even while i am sitting here, it is already happening...

Nonetheless, the unchanging fact is that God is sovereign! Is grace! Is love! My faith is as small as a mustard seed still, but i believe and i know tonight it will explode!

Moving office

2008-11-20T23:55:00.002+08:00

Come sunday, i will be moving back to Hsbc main building in raffles place.

Good, cos it is better for me ..
bad.. cos there are much more hidden cost in moving back, i have some mixed feelings about this, but all in all, of cos it is better than staying at singpost with the rest.

Oh well.. the toughest part i think is the moving, packing and then unpacking.. IT IS SO TIREDING<<<..

my heart weeps..

2008-11-19T23:42:00.004+08:00

Asia conference has started...

Although i was late, but the whole set up and atmosphere had me blown away anyway.
Pastor today shared some insights about the different 'space' of the church world, the society, and the influential groups, and in the midst of the excitement and exuberance, through pastor, i can almost feel jesus' heart towards people, towards me.

My heart weeps, when I felt His unconditional love, especially when some friends have been telling me that they are going to fast for me on saturday.

It is only 3 more days...
I need all the help and encouragement. who else is with me?

Nerissa

2008-11-18T09:32:00.003+08:00

I have realised that i have been blogging like a journal, i wrote my thoughts, feelings and reflections all here. There are pros and cons in doing i so i suppose, but if you really know me, then you would know that i am living an open life, i want to be! There are not things or thoughts that can't be shared although a lot of times the thoughts or emotions are just in particular for that moment, which means it dosn't carry much weight in my mind and life.
Oh well, not sure if anyone understand what i am saying, anyone?

I have been wanting to write a series of people in my life for a long time, naturally is to honour them and show my gratitue and the impact these group of people have on me.

So ladies and gentle man, allow me to introduce the most lovable Nerissa Low. My girlfriend for almost a year and a half less of the time we were apart. although we have decided to take a step back and have our own life for a while, and possibly more than one time i mentioned about the difficluties we had in our time; then again we are both flawed human beings, we made mistakes and learn from them, so this will be a page about all her goods, little interest to my dear friends, but important for me nonetheless to share my good thoughts of her.

I give her many names, wrote her love peoms for the first time of my life, a talent that i never thought i have, guess it was love that was working magic.
(and before i continue, xiaobao, u if r reading this: " We both have people made the differences in our past, we cannot deny them and we shouldn't! Honouring them, dosn't make the present less significant anyway)

Nerrisa, her frens call her Neri, but i thought it is funny, shouldn't it be Rissa? We met in the office, but there wasn't any sparks at the beginning. It was through the roadshows we did together, that her charm started to draw all my attention without me knowing. i always remembered, how i callled her the siamese cat, which is really a proud yet majestic animal, it's high class!! People with historian back ground would also link this kind of Cat to the Egytian princess. So yup, she was my Egytian princess, and all the little conversations we had then ignited my curiuosity and eventually admiration. Those days then were fun, and i always told her than that she was the refreshing wind that breathe new life into me.

I called her Rainbow, because she is like one!! and among the 7 colours, she is the purple! colourful personality, enchanting to some, mysterious to others, beautiful to me although at times it can really drive me crazy in a love spin.

I called her honey, at her best, she can melt even the Mount Everest! Yea, she is sweet, really sweet. I remembered when she knock my car onto a pillar in our old orchard office, i was really upset, but she came back with a bouquet of flowers for me!! i was blown over really.. i mean i always love flowers, so i give flowers to her quite often then, but she knows i love them too?!!!! haha... and when she was away to china, she got people sent another one to me!!! and my birthday as well!! of cos there are others too, but the three different occasions alone can really can turn me into Pooh who hug onto the honey pot.. she has been my honey pot!

Not too long ago, i called her xiao bao, namely small treasure! and this small treasure are in different forms, at times like brilliant rose that light up my day; at times like chilly red ruby that's glaring to the naked eyes; at timeslike the master piece crystal that's pure and innocent, One that lighten my load in the dark hours of the last two years, a strong and resilient pillar;
At all times, just a precious treasure in my heart.

Lately i have sumed her up, i said she is just like a innocent little girl holding onto her lovely teddy bear biscuit, and then the next moment her innocence is replaced by a greedy and monsterous look and start chewing off the teddy bear piece by piece, and when she's done, she will change into her audacious new dress, wear the Omega watch and drive her BMW convertible for a spin!!! I have probably the best fun loving roller coastal ride all these while.

My best pal lately mentioned that he know that he and gf have the differences, and also constantly at odds with each other, but he said also that above everything, they are good enough for each other and is ready to give in just to make it even better. I am deeply impressed by him really, such a maturity! :)

So Nerissa and i probably are taking a little step back, i wish it'll bear fruit when the right season comes, however it will be she will always take up a big space in my heart.

My Life Pte Ltd

2008-11-17T23:04:00.003+08:00

Today i spend quite a while looking at photos i took from the last 5 years. it really brought back lots memories!!

CEO

In early 2005, i've decided to set up a company in my own name called "My Life Pte Ltd". Natually i am the CEO.. has to be right? I had even made 2 boxes of name cards for myself when i was in bangkok that year.It was just one of the many false starts for the last 5 years?Why did i say false start? instead of fresh start?

The Beginning

Back then i was still fresh from a major shock in life in 2004 when i was first diagnosed to have colon cancer... I was in shock when the doctor revealed it to me and my family. Cancer is a term that i had never imagined that i will ever have the need to understand.. least to experience it on myself. Maybe it was just me, i did not cry or go into panic.. especially the rest of my family were in a devastating state. I did not want them to worry more. i went into silence. Reassured them i'll be fine and went for a walk on my own.

i didn't call eileen, gf since i was in secondary 4, I was a little disappointed that she could not be with me there and then, but it was i whom reassured her that i would be ok anyway.. I fell into self dependant mode, and maybe even more so of a protectitive mode, i just don't want people that i love to worry about me.

As i walked.. i called Heng, who has always been my best pal.. he was playing with alicia at sentosa when i called... I didn't know what to say.. but when i blur out the word cancer, tears almost dropped off my eyes.. at that point i knew i am almost breaking down.. it was a brief conversation before i continue to take my walk. Somehow i just thought that i can find a way out .. and there was this little voice in me that tells me everything will turn out fine.

"Childhood sweetheart "
(eileen and i do not exactly grow up together, but it felt the same way to me)

That day passed fast, what followed was a drastic operation to remove 90% of colon that kept me 2 days in ICU and 7 days in hospital. it was scary.. painful.. unforgettable... nonetheless for an operation like that i think i almost make history by getting out of hospital that fast.

I was almost in coma in the first two days, yet the deepest memory i have over the two days was how i stretched out for eileen's hand after i am out of the operation theatre, and how her faintest voices accompany me through out my unconsious period. I thought her voices was the one that kept me alive for the two days in ICU, in an exagerated fashion la, not like i was literally dying but it was critical anyway.
As a couple then, we had our issues that were hard to resolve, but that experience closed up all the gap. I was so looking forward to plan for futures together then after i recovered. But life is never smooth sailing, early 2005 she decided to further her studies in london and of cos to 'escape' her problems at home. Very soon, the relationship had come to a road block, and could not continue, we cried, hugged and part our path for a life of our own in different land. It was a happy ending, and she remains a closed friend since then.So much back ground of how this company of mine is found. :)

Fresh Start

After almost 8 years, a path on my own was tough and lonely. I was still in the Air force, and half way through my degree, i was my own cheer leader through out. I told myself dozens of time then that life has yet to begin, i need to pull it through!The whole journey that period was easily forgettable, nothing exciting happended.. it was quite a mistake i think, because i was so eager to get over it, i forgot the importance of the journey.. which is what matters most. it's regretable that i can't really recall much fond memories in the walk on my own, i could have done much better.. enjoy the days better, loving life more.

Early Warning

Fast forward to end 2005, it was probably already a bad sign when the routine check up showed my CEA was rising. It was devastating, yet the non conclusive find outs by my doctor quickly brushed the matter under the floor matt.

I moved on and continue to search for the life i want, the lingering fear at the same time drove me away from God. I thought i was never that close anyway. i was getting tired of all the bad news and experiences since i came to know God. I was blaming Him subconsciously in everything. All the teachings were indeed good, but when God isn't making a difference, i thought it's time to lead a life on my own without all the invisible bindings... and so i did..even though again there's this little voice inside me keep bugging me... i could not figure out what it is then, and naturally the voiced was drowned off by me.

New beginning

That year in late 2005, i joined Hsbc, met new friends, i felt released and relieved.. and most of all happy, or was i? The new chapter in life was all good, everything seems good and beautiful. I love my new job and was doing exceptionally well, the colleagues and working environment were all too good to be true, and i was fit and healthy. Everything was going so well that lead me to write on my wall that "life has just begin, sky is the limit". Yet there's still the very small voice in me that's seeking to fill the forgotten void and emptiness...

2nd Spring

Then Nerissa came into the picture in early 06, we started to date, and dispite all the differences and oppositions from fellow colleagues, we got together anyway. I knew there were reasons why friends in the office were so against the idea of her and i becoming an item, there were lots of stories and gossips. And what initially was once a fairy tale working environment, no thanks to all the gossips that had poisoned every good things i initiallly adored, and soon enough i witnessed all the divides and politics that followed till today.

oh well, i should have known it when i first joined.. so i decided to drift away from the office politics and of course to stay out of trouble. It became so evident that the office is just another worldly place, people there just don't get it, the apparent favourite past time is gossips and more gossips. And because i was doing well, naturally i became a topic as well. it was a shame, more so a disappoitment to me.

And then the little voice in me once again pop up to encourage myself, and also trying to tell me more.. but i still could not get what it was trying to say. Well affected maybe, but i moved on and continued to do what is right and proper at work, and when i made the conscious choice of ignoring the negative stuffs, i was happy again and also thankful that i've got a gf to share my life then.

Relationship

It wasn't the happiest relationship one can get or hope for, we were always quarelling and at odds with one another. And just when we were turning the corner in the relationship after touring europe in december 06, i got another shock in jan 07.. cancer is back and this time it was much worse than the previous time. I choosed to opt for chemo and radiation treatment subsequently, the side effects of the treatment threatened to burn my brain and the uncontrollable loss of fluids had me hospitalised for 3 weeks.

At the same time, all of the troubles at the same time was taking it's toll on the realtionship. For all her capacity, i knew she had been doing her best to cope. But i knew she wasn't coping well, i can almost empathise with her, she was just unlucky to be my gf.. i wasn't bitter, just feeling sorry for her.. so in the end we broke up in late 07... but our story did not end there... some twist and turns with dramatic episodes in between, she told me i am the one for her, and i was grateful for her support plus i did saw the genuine love she had for me...

Unfortunately the got back together turn out to be really short lived; many incidents, events and differences, we had finally decided to part our ways before her birthday. But strange thing happened, i found myself buying a really beautiful watch from Omega for her. I can't really explain why, cos i'll never splurge something like that on myself; but my friend A said it is love, i guess so, else why would i do it?

There were no confrontations and quarrels, i remembered i said staying apart from each other will be good, and i am going to use a year or so to have my life back on track.. i said i want to take a spiritual journey that's been calling for so long.

The final episode

To be fair, given her capacity, she had probably done what she could for me, and i'll never take that away from her. Crisis in life will either bond or divide people, in this i suppose the later is the case. It was possibly wrong season for her or me or both. i don't think i am happy about it in this issue,i can't deny the disappointments, but it is so much easier to just let it go than harping on the differences. most importantly, i am happy it has finally come to a good ending or sorts, and that we are still great friends or sorts, as if there's a possibility we'll ever get back together after 1 year, i mean who knows right? only time will tell, but looking at all the photos we've taken together for the past two years, i actually hope so...

Updates

Last month's appointment did not turn out too well, CEA went up a point instead. Phew .. what can i said..just when i thought i am on track to defeAt this demon, another set back? i dont think so, andi think i know what went wrong.

I have increased the xeloda intake by one in the morning... namely chemo pill, it is also a poison that weakens my immune... but so far the past few weeks have been good. i am defitely getting better, i can smell it..

The little voice

Through this blog, i have mentioned the little voice a few times. and it has voiced out everytime when i am in need, in trouble, making mistakes and at a loss.

However i wish to ignore it, it is alway there. I guess i have one thousand reasons not to believe there's a God;
My experiences and set backs can easily made me even bitter towards Him, especially since the day i walked into church in sec 4, there are like endless troubles that keep coming to me one after another.Yet the little voice in me keep leading me back to God.

And i am going to receive a miracle in 5 days.

Pray with me all my angels.

sleepless night

2008-11-17T11:11:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was actually a good day of rest, had a good workout although it took me like alost 1 hour to find a parking lot.
The morning's live web cast on service had a strong impact on me; i was reminded of how far i have come to since last year. Be it work, relationship or health, nothing was exactly going my way. I am forced to eat my humble pie, to realise my own limitation, and to let go and let God, all in all, from jan 07 to almost coming to an end of 08, this whole journey looked really tough yet transforming, maybe, just maybe, years down the road i might look back and see this as a transition period that tototally change my life for good.
Then night time, i was looking thru the photos that i took at various places from tokyo to niagra fall and santorini. From all the pictures, i can only see happy faces and loving friends, it somehow overshadows all the troubles that i have. so i am thinking i am actually having a good yearthan lots of people out there, ironic maybe, but it definitely appears so.. to me as well of cos.
Finally the night ended with a telephone conversation that probably led to a sleepless night; I felt let down, and disappointment set in naturally. It would be millions times better if i am just told another conversation is in place... well i did not want to spoil the fun, n happily ignore it.
Truth never hurt, why???? i guess its old habit dies hard ba. So i twist and turn, the different kind of emotions had me sleepless till like 4am.. man it was torturing.. it is just me.. i feel stupid and silly.
Thankfully i have managed to push my appt today to a later time, and i have 5 days to prepare for a miracle, it is going to be really really important, i cannot be distracted.

known and unknown

2008-11-09T08:57:00.001+08:00

Mr Donald Rumsfeld said this.

'As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know.

'We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know.

'But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know.'

Change!

2008-11-05T13:26:00.005+08:00

Thank God Obama won the race to be the next president of America.

All credits to Mr John McCain, at 72, he definitely puts a lot of us to shame in many ways. But i guess it is just not meant to be, this world dosn't need a war hero now, we need a reformist.

Although far away from SG, the whole campaign have captured the attention world wide. I was following the news this whole morning when i was in the gym doing workout, scenes of people overwhelmed with emotions when news that Abama won was clearly captured by the camera man.

One black elderly was seen tearing with joy. Yet from the very brief moment, i could almost see his pain and joy at the same time through his eyes. Racism is still a problem everywhere in the world, but now we have a black man who is going to be the most powerful man in this planet, it clearly signals a new era, a victory for all man kind. From the very beginning, skin color should never matter, we are all born equal, all wonderful creation of God.

Today is a day that's worth remembering, together we will embrace a better world for all people, it is time for change, time to eradicate racism.

the 3 'I's

2008-10-23T17:20:00.002+08:00

e Innovator,
e Imitator
e Idiots

be it human behaviour, or creativitiy... it is not hard to sum all of us up isn't it?

another month

2008-10-23T17:15:00.003+08:00

Somehow time just fly by... another month has passed.
i am going back to see doc simon tomorrow. Last month the CEA din dropped.. this time however it must drop. it should drop.. to some extend, i believe it will.

Cherish life

2008-10-21T00:59:00.003+08:00

Life is short, we must cherish the people around us. sounds familiar?
I've just watched an episode of TVB drama, where one bad yet rich guy just learn that he's got a terminal brain cancer. his world collapse, but at the same time it also reminded him of his love one whom actually love another guy. it's a bit complicated, but well it does reminded me of myself.
Time flies, for the past few years, it had been shock after another.. the postive side of it is that i have grown stronger, and definitely realise the importance of people around me. And i would want to hold on to this 'revealation' always.
Actually, i would think that life does not really need shocks to cherish life right? Maybe it's all the hours of routines, works etc that kept us too busy and make us lose our way?
On this i guess those with God, or has God as their refuge and shelter definitely will fare better than those who does not. It's assuring to know there is always someone to lean on when situation gets out of control, when we are helpless right?
i am digressing.. well anyway, the lesson today is that we all should cherish our parents, family, friends who love us and every little thing that counts as important.

Star of Soloman

2008-10-17T01:24:00.008+08:00

I believe they is probably only one person on this planet other than myself knows that soloman is a name i had given to myself a few years back.

Although Jerome is the name my tuition teacher gave me when i reached singapore decades ago; i seem to have this habit of using other names outside especially dealing with strangers. Among many other names that i had used periodically since primary school like peter in primary 4 (cos i really really like Peter Pan the show); Alex was the name i used when i worked part time as waiter in lower sec.. Larson when i was working in the night club as a waiter.. Harry, mark and josepth is used by me cheney and Heng whenever we met new girls..( ha those were the funniest time)... and finally My GP teacher in TPJC gave the name Leonardo, i was totally flattered cos i am such a fan to Di Caprio..

just a little back ground. years passed.. many things happened, then i came across the bible (thankfully), and God.. i come to know about Soloman, son of David, man of wisdom. In the deepest part of my heart, i had since yearned to be like Soloman. I never really tell anyone, cos it is someone i wish i can become and yet knowing i am still too far off the mark...

I came across the a pendant of the star of soloman at Santori, i bought it and kept in my drawer untill two days back i took it out and pondering if it is time to 'wear it' on, but if i do so, then i'll really have to make up my mind and do the 'right' things now... i am still divided on this.

Lately many issues had popped up.. i guess it was old problems that never really sorted out.. or rather maybe i was just consciously ignoring all the warning signs....

oh well ...

From a boy to man, i have made many mistakes and also learnt many lessons. Besides my selfless family, the good teachings from church, guidance from God, all the good and bad experiences had shaped my charactor and life. I take pride in which that i have been living a life like an open book since. I understood there is never a stone that'll not be unturned, therefore lying have been a real taboo to me and naturally i detest lies as well.
I learnt not to be so judgemental, and missing my own faults. After all, using our own yard stick to measure others, doesn't it also expose the very shortfall of our own yardstick???
I guess we don't have to keep telling people of who we are or how are, actions and endurance of time is the best limus test.
Before we even open our mouth and question other's charactor or integrity, some self examinations should be done on our own; Busy looking out faults of others, yet missing the overflowing can of worms and maggots rotting within oneself distant genuine love, friends and invites only bitterness and hypocrites.

I recognise there'll always be frictions and differences between people, and i would like to think the only way to bridge the Gap is to use one ONLY STANDARD code of conducts and values for measuring others and also for ourself. Let's be critical of ourself and be graceful to others.

In short:
If we dislike lying, don't lie.
If we want transparency, then stop hiding unpleasant secrets.
If we want trusts, earn it. and when we have it, dun abuse it.
WE always talk about privacy, i would think this only meant the space to do our own stuffs alone, own time and space, but not abuse it and doing something funny to exploit the trust and respect. ( I love my own space and privacy, but when it's openned up, it'll still be blameless and accountable)

i am easily curious but yet not ''kay bo''.
i am the biggest believer in truth.. and it'll never hurt when it's blameless. secrects are always self exposed, by natural or by divine.
I could have opened up the intentional 'hideouts' since a few months ago. There are many reasons why i did not, mainly because i am too afraid to lose what has been so imporant. And i guess star of soloman must be shining on me too,( i would like to think this way), i did not and choose not to. I stay away from it knowing i should this way. Funny thing is in the end, what's hidden was brought to light, what's unknow is known anyhow, and what's known is enough for thorough self reflection.

Murmuring to third party will only further strain any good relationship.
well, i choose, (not much a choice) instead to walk on to go near to the Star of Soloman. one step at a time, someday, i'll make it Star of my own..
And just may if it's ever possible, Hopefully God permits, i can be the Star!
Life is tough, then again it is so that we always become better... and never bitter!

Back

2008-10-09T22:18:00.002+08:00

i feel like i have been away for a long time.

After coming back from greece, aside from the exhaustion from all the trip, i have been busy trying to make up for the time loss and reconditon the body right. The trip to doc simon for the bood test result was disappointing, the CEA did not dropped... and i probably saw it coming since i wasn't feeling better from the previous month. Anyway, i have decided to stay away from trips for a while.

I stayed quiet, went on to look for a way out.

And then this financial crisis takes the headline almost everyday, which also means work probably consumed more than the ideal amout of energy that's available.
Thankfully, although all areas are not fantastic, but still good enough to live with.
My physical condition will only improve with time although its slower than i want it to be.. but it's oki.. i'll have patience.

One very important lesson i leart from all these years of mistakes, no matter how tough the time is, i will still take joy in every little things in the journey to the goal.
:)

Financial Crisis!?!

2008-10-09T21:55:00.002+08:00

By now, anyone who breathes would have known from the news how bad the markets are doing all across the globe. And usually what follows will be recession.. although some are calling it the Deep Depression II...

I am not going to write too much about it, since it is already all over the news paper and internet. What i do remember is that from the last really big crisis in 1997 to the 9/11 to the SARS.. every single time the market and the economy always come back up and much higher than the previous highs.
And there's an old saying that's worth mentioning, the bigger the crisis, the even bigger opportunity arises. It takes a brave soul to say this in the mist of all the turmoil, when hundreds of billions are all washed down together with the market tumbles, BUT i am brave, so i guess i am eligible to say this. Haha.. so of course, my two cents worth are much more than this, if you are my client, we'll meeting soon to reposition your fiancial goals in the sea of new found opportunities. If you are not, i guess there's no better time to become one! no joke, i am serious!
haha.. man, i like this way of marketing!

F1

2008-09-25T23:39:00.003+08:00

Formula 1 is singapore...
Although i am not a fan, somehow the hype has rub off on me somehow. Hearing so many people talking about it, especially those ticket holders.. somehow i just dun like the feeling of not able to be one of those ticket holders... maybe the glamour of first night race in the world has indeed it's attractiveness, and when it is on our own natioal soil, the more i should not have missed it the coming weekend. .. BUT i dun have the tickets.. so looks like i gonna find a way to see it somehow.. the worst would be watching it on the TV.

It took me more than half an hour driving in circles to manage to have my hair cut at suntec. although it really frustrate me how all the road blocks are getting in my way, but i have to salute the nation's effort in preparing for the Night race. By merely driving around outside the actual race roads, i can almost sense the excitement that's to come... fast cars, race babes.. and the energy the whole place transmits. i am sure it will be really spectacular!!

Anyway, it is another month from the last check up. i went for my blood test again today, so tomorrow's visit to Doc Simon will be just as importance as the previous session. CEA must come down!!! I am postitive!

Pray with me angels. :)

Wed's night!

2008-09-24T22:31:00.002+08:00

It's weds' night, what would a normal person do at this hour?

I would think a normal singaporean would be slacking on his sofa after one day's hard work. As for me, this is just like any other night, sitting on my machine, doing the daily regime that's required for better health.

The trip to greece especialy Santorini is fantastic, but i guess it was a little bit too long for me, i have missed 10days from my regime. It's really bad... after i came back last friday, i have been busy trying to recondition my body right. and i guess i will stay away form trips for a while, in fact ecerything else can wait, but my regime needs consistency to maximise the good effect.

Anyway, while i was in greece, looking at all the 3000 years old ruins like temples etc did provoke some really deep thoughts... whilepeople who are familiar with history will know how civilisation spread from the east to the west.. and while the once grand and majestic temples and struture ruins i had witness at Athens are still an attraction that marvels anyone who visits, it also reminded me how everything else will fade away but God's word will always remain true.

Some how, I just felt enormous amount of love and affections by God, family and friends through out the trip. Truth is, despite of all the troubles, i am blessed! Above every good things, i am so thankful for the clarity of mind, that i am abled to stand above all the difficulties.

Packing for Greece

2008-09-09T12:26:00.002+08:00

I have used the whole morning packing for Greece.

Gone are the days when i can just easily dump some essentials into the luggage bag, and off i can go.

It is the third trip of the year, and each time i have to pack literally everything i am using and eating here into the luggage. it is really a hassle, and i guess i am also asking for it since i can always say no to all the travels. But all the trips from company to japan, toronto and athens are all hard to resist; and surprisingly i always got better after the last two trips, so i would think this greece trip will do the same.

i guess taking my mind off from the problems i have definitely help to calm my inner soul.
Getting away from the daily chores in singapore, Seeing beautiful scenaries and people, amazed by God's wonderfully creations all rejuvenate my spirit.

I am looking forward to beautiful athens and santorini...but before that i will have to endure the 15 hours flight by turkish air.. and mentioning turkish air is something i really can't understand, why in the world Hsbc has to stinge on this!! The new management is more and more unbecoming! This is totally not acceptable! It has always been SQ or Cathay... tsk..
Anyway, i'll just hope it is going to be better than i thought, i have set my expectation really low, so hopefully the jurney won't be too bad.

Still have some more packings to do, have to make sure i bring along all the pills..

The real battle starts from now ..

2008-09-02T12:55:00.004+08:00

I have wanted to blog this since last fri after seeing my doctor. I was caught in a mixed feeling about what i am in now.

Hmm.. it is actually good news, my doctors, sisters nerissa and i, we were all relieved to know that the CEA has dropped by 5 points from 17... it was all smiles from Doctor Simon when he told me the news. I was shouting halleluyah within.. and at the corner of my eyes, i saw tears were welling up in my sisters eyes... they should know better. from the beginning of the year untill now, they've witness how i struggled to find the right mixed of treatments... from the impossibles to the first sign of improvement, and bwtween these two years, on top of being my pillar of supports, they have also raised up 3 babies. I think i have been really lucky, i have probably the most classic family ties in act.

The moment of joy only lasted a few seconds, the months ahead are still a tough battle, and it weighs on my shoulder heavily for the past few days. i didn't want to talk about this actually. I guess after such a long haul, it is only normal i am feling tired and 'weak' within, especially knowing that this will take quite a bit of time to get 'it' totally out of my system.
I don't really have a word to describe all the mixed feelings; but i know this is only temporary. I NEED to keep doing the right things, stay on this regime, and stay out of the distractions.

Like what i have said so many times, too much is at stake! I have come so far, i will keep going! i am going to win this!

2 months

2008-08-27T23:53:00.002+08:00

2 months is exactly how long i have been on a this 'complete' regiment with chemo pills.
i am feeling a bit nervous .. just a bit.

Tomorrow's blood test and friday's consultation with my doctor to come will be really crucial, and blood test, CEA indicator must come down!!!!

Last two weeks i have to admit that i have not been at the peak of conditioning my body, but things are improving, i am happier, of cos nerissa is the chief architect of building it. :)
anyway, i suspect i had probably injured myself within, i saw blood stains in the urine. This is actually quite normal, since i have two stems in the kidney still, any strain will cause it to bleed.. but probaly also because the test date is so near, seeing blood is making myself uneasy... just a bit!

Lately i have been keeping a prayer constantly in mind, i'll pray: Lord Lord, this life is yours, this body is also yours, help me to help myself. Build me up, build me strong, bless me with good health to live long. :)

headache...

2008-08-27T22:02:00.003+08:00

Recent activities have probably taken a strains to my nerve.
although i have to admit, some are really self invited.. so there are probably no one to blame ba.

I remembered long ago, whenever i am troubled i would always turn to an old friend who is really thousands of miles away, and i guess that the long distance has somehow reduced my emotional dependence. But but that is not to say that i am all alone, i still have many... and really if you are reading this and often receive a call from me when i am lamenting about life, this friend love you a lot! haha ...

i am getting a bit of headache these two days.. some legal issues has surfaced and getting some friends unnecessarily involved, the balancing act of getting the case move on smoothly without affecting the relationship is proving harder than it is.
I was really appaled when the accused's gf were unnecesarily getting my friends in the office implicated in it, without even considered putting their interest in her mind... i guess her love has blinded her, at the expense of the many of her mentors and friends. Is it an act of love? or an act of selfishness? or a conflict of interest? In anyway, her meeting with me to established her stand simply illustrated how stupid she and the accused are. i mean i would thought seeking to talk to me with urgency today, should be seeking some form of solution, instead of trying to show me how tough they are and how selfish they are ready to implicate my friends in the office.. ridiculous...
i think i have probably done my best in making sure the least damage is done.
and i am releasing myself from all of it, office 'politic' is not my cup of tea, only friends that i care about!

Finally the last missing piece

2008-08-18T21:56:00.002+08:00

Today i have received a call from my Tcm professor, who is my doctor, and now well i guss we talk so much more that i can call him a friend already, the only pity is that i still gotta pay for all the consultation fees.. haha just joking!! rightfully so la, just like how i am paid when i do financial planning for all my friends.

Professor Huang is actually very well known to many people, and he is the first among the many tradiional chinese medicine doctors i have seen who really understands what i was saying.
A little introduction here: Professor Huang is also made in china just like me! haha.. but he's much more capable of course. He was trained to be a doctor in china, and that also means before he chose to specialise in TCM, he had to learn both trades in western medicine and TCM. So that explains why he is a much better grade above the rest of the TCM community here.

So anyway back to the call he made, over the phone he just informed me that he managed to slash the price of a machine from a local distributor for me. From around non bargainable $7k, i am gonna get it at $6200. Seriously even by my standard, it is really costly.. and i really appreciate him for saving the few hundreds for me.. like i said, when things are tight, every dollars counts.

My very expensive medical regime has one more bulk item to the list.. and i would say this will be the final piece, the missing piece to get the remaining job done, get rid of the CA cells by the roots. With it, the list will include the western medicines, the Tcm, the natural therapy, the comprehensive range of suppliments..and the machine will offer the advantage of high electric, magnetic, heat and infrared energy sources to influence the body energy balance.
Things have been improving bit by bit, although it is still quite unstable, any sway of external or internal 'peace' would easily upset the progress, with the machine i believe it is gonna 'round' things up nicely. And don;t worry, it is proven science i am buying, one that's tested and approved to be effective in improving body wellness, just that in my case, add up with all that i have been doing, it will become the lethal weapon carrying out the final 'assault' on the stubborn CA cells.

I am going to win this!

Couch..TV.. Olympic

2008-08-17T22:39:00.003+08:00

It's sunday again, there were lots of excitement before the game of table tennis final between singapore and china. Literally every singaporean that i know were talking about it, and of course all of us were hoping that Team singapore can create surprise by beating China.
In the end, China won the gold, but the sparring for the whole one and half hour really captured the whole nations heart and soul.. i think.. at least that happened to my family members.

It's really quite amazing, even my father who is hardly a sports fan, not least to table tennis, could come up many comments and theories. Interesting is if you know about my family background, we are all made in china!!! I supposed from all the cheering of supports to Team singapore, i would say after 2 decades plus, we have all become the true blue singaporeans. Everyone one of us! And rightfully so, this family of mine has bear fruits by adding 4 new members through my three siblings, my 4 nephews and niece; the eldest of the four is the not so 'cute' pretty Adoncia from my brother, the singing dancing joel and four month old Jovia from Dajie, and the roundest cutest Bryan whom i face everyday.

Man U game is playing behind me, and i am getting really distracted.
I have probably spend the whole day at home after church. What should be an eventful day, in the end, my lack of mood lead me to cancel my meet ups with my friends one by one from the afternoon... and i realise how hard it was to move myself once i sunk onto the Sofa, somehow i just refused to get up, i guess it was also a reflection of my inner being; down, deflated and just need to 'rest'..
Man U is calling me... back to Couch.. today i belong to the couch, TV and Olympic, i mean man u.. :P

Trapped

2008-08-15T21:34:00.004+08:00

Life is never smooth sailing... i mean who doesn't know it?

Went back to office today, the air in there was stale and can possibly suck away all my energy? or it is probably just because i am feeling down?
My temporary secretarial helper informed that once again she was asked to stopped from doing any of my work... My immediate response was disbelief, and that immediately turned into an embarrassment, and naturally followed with disappointment that i was not even informed first instead..
By right, i should be also taking revision for a financial paper now, but the notes were taken away from the owner yesterday, so even though i was confident enough to have it passed on the first time, but without the notes, i guess turning up for the exam tomorrow morning will be in vain.
By default, both the notes and the temp help were both not mine in the first place, it is only right when it was taken away. But i am still in total disbeliefs and in total disappointment...
Out of nothing, a simplest unhappiness can just throw away everything, never mind of the the consequences??? in Spiderman, we know that with greater power comes greater responsibilty; but in this scenarios, is it wise to place any importants into his hands???
The struggles between the head and heart is driving me to severe headaches again...

I remembered in the mist of my disappointments yesterday, i was still trying to make sure the plans which are not my business went on smoothly; it was out of love, and out of obligation. After the final piece falls into the jigsaw puzzle, it will be time to take a long leave to focus on my recovery, i must! and should!!!
It will not be fair to say that no one cares, my family and closed friends and angels are always here for me, but i need to put aside the distractions that are making me unwell and unhappy, i need to be responsible to God, my family and definitely myself.

well, tomrrow will be a better day. gotta rest and see my TCM professor in the morning to come.

hello world ..

2008-08-14T21:33:00.003+08:00

hello hello...
It's been a really hollow day, it seems everything has come to a stop, i can't hear anything, see anything..so deadly quiet that i can't help but to say hello to myself.

Where do i begin?
how should it end?
or should it be started right from the beginning?
could it be put to rest now?

I was bombarded with screams and abusive words, questioning my attitude?
i found it really ironic, how do we get someone to talk, when we are screaming?
A muted response invited even more screams and shouts and this also equate to bad attitude??
sigh.. what a tragic...
and then a very angry middle finger was thown at me before the whole episode ended!!!
unthinkable... it was done with so much hatred and anguish, after all the good works that i've done?
incredible!
I have no idea how would anyone react in a situation like this?
If this is just betw friends, then probably that would be the end of the friendship?
What if it's someone close like a famly member??

On top of all the screams, some unimaginable words of sorts was blurred out... and it keep lingering at my ears ..

My heart sunk, so low that it has left a void...

How this might play out is really a tireding issue, i dread of it...
can this day be a nightmare i can wake up from?

But now i can only feel my heart has sink so deep and far.....

Truth never hurt

2008-08-02T09:55:00.003+08:00

I always know that nothing beats the truth; and all the years of character moulding at home and from church taught me great deals of being earnest and honest...

Last night an incident happended, i tried to brush it aside on the first instant on the rationale that it will invite nothing but silly questions and maybe a little unhappiness? Just like the chinese saying of paper can never hold the fire, or something more familiar that i learn from the bible that no stone will left unturned. My little efforts of concealing something that's really nothing got exposed, and matter of fact is i was so concious of what it could brings and thus spoiling a good day, i have not a good look at the whole 'thing' myself. It is really such a bad joke i had pulled on myself, till now i am still feeling sore of my own stupidity!

Why did i forget!!??
Very often i witnessed people making mistakes by saying a few white lies to have an easier way out, but very soon found theyselves telling more of it and thus creating cracks and hurts between their relationships with people.
Life's motto should always be a transparent sheet, have a clear concience, thus we will all have a happier self, family and friends.

Last night's incident is a reminder, a sign, that no matter what happens, i shall never take the easier way out. if i need to explain, i will explain, if i need to pause the feel good factors, so be it, i'll have it paused. brushing things aside does not not help, saying a white lie is even worse and out of character, when incidents happen i should and will take up the responsibilties to have it sort out. This is clearly a reminder and indication to stay close to God's straight and narrow path, for without all His teachings and wisdom, i am nothing but like the ash.

So this is it, thankfully for the gentler reminder. i have peace within once again; and with God's help, last night's small hipcupp is going to be the only one off event. :)
cheers! anyone? :)

31st of July

2008-07-31T22:48:00.003+08:00

Today marked the end of july. It is really quite a month, comparatively eventful than the months before for 2008.
So what happened?
I have been on the new regime with the chemo pill for almost the whole month, thankfully, all is well, i did not experience any forms of severe side effects except the headache that knock me out for 4days. Tomorrow's visit with my doctor will most likely going to conclude that the i have reached the maximum dosage for now, so that means it'll be 2 tablets for another month. I believe that the full blood count tomorrow will also show healthy readings.

July also marked with new exercise like swimming, treats at nice restaurants with nerissa, watching batman, and most interestingly, i managed to work and closed a case just yesterday! I'll be working more coming month, the main reasons, 1. i am bored and restless; 2. very obvious la, i am feeling very poor. The expensive medical regime is taking a toll, and i am getting a bit uneasy about it really. And of cos, above all, i'll listen to my body closely.

Most importantly, it is a time for thanks giving, I thank God, and there are always my family and closed friends, the humans, the beasts, the plants, the sky, the oceans and the very air that i am breathing now, all are good, all are beautiful, that tomorrow's dream is still real, still wonderful.

Succession Planning

2008-07-25T12:35:00.002+08:00

It's friday! i think everyone likes friday. And time really pass fast, even when i have been spending most of my time at home.
I have just finished reading an article on Forbes talking about changes and succession plans in the well known companies like Apple, Microsoft and Oracle. Names like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates or even Larry Ellision are familiar big shots in the respective comapnies. All of them have built an empire that generate revenues more than some countries whole year GDP.
By now it is no longer news that Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to pursue loftier goals at his foundation, and he has Steve Ballmer to take over the leadership of the company, and that is succession planning.
Reading this article trigger a thought! what about my succession planning?
Nah, i am not talking about who'll take over my business since i have none. i am thinking about having a family, continuing my blood line? From early adulthood, the idea of forming a family of my own is already sunk deep within me. i can often imagine to have a beautiful wife, a charming little prince and precious little Summer in a designed home of my own. It is a beautiful picture!
And i have even gotten the name for daddy's little girl long long tme ago... haha.. i am weird, that's nerrisa's favourite description of me!

i am not sure if my own father had ever thought of the same things when he was my age, and if i resembled his boy of his dreams, one he's proud to carry his blood line.

At times on the side of the reservoir, i will drift into the future; with a house on the pool side or facing the sea, telling stories to my boy, impart all that i know to him and horse ride my Summer around the sofa ...
:)

Head breaker

2008-07-24T08:12:00.003+08:00

The title sounded a bit too strong, but it was exactly how i felt yesterday evening.
I had a hard time concentrating on my test i had to take before that, my mind just keep going to blanks.. And i should have heed the sign and go home, but no, i was still my usual self, i tried to shake it off and went ahead to meet a client at bedok...
The headache kept getting worse and naturally i had started to doubt my wisdom of coming down to meet him, i should not have really! And the better thing to do is to cancell another appointment at AMK after that, and by this time i had realised i am in trouble, it was already too late. The heavy trafic home did not help my situation, i was feeling so sick that i had thoughts of pulling to the side and rest... i thought of calling for help, i thought of nerissa, i thought of calling mr phey...
but i kept holding on, i knew if i dun get home to lie down, then the next thing will hapen probably will be the ambulance coming for me...
Never in my memory had i experience a headache that's so excruciating, so tormenting, it was almost like trying to split my head..
I had managed to reach home myself at about 8pm, i was feeling nauseas, and a little feverish; i probably dropped dead on my bed for an hour or so....
This is truly a scary experience! My head still feel a bit drowsy. I am not sure if all these recent hipcups could be due to the chemo drug... it is quite likely i supposed.. which means i have probably reached the dosage limit... or could it be other causes? like maybe i should still wait a bit more to even work a little?
sigh... it is really hectic to do all the guessings.. at times i would wonder that if i am medically educated, i would not be having such a difficult time here.

Poor monday

2008-07-21T18:04:00.002+08:00

Today i feel poorer,
maybe something is lost, or that something is missing?
what should be a good day, in the end the rain ruined my day altogether...
i din get to exercise, plus the lack of inner peace, today marked the poorest day i had for a very long time.
It's really strange, but my body has become a symbol of emotional well being as well. and to stay strong, that means i have to stay on the top of the game all the time.
It is actually quite a tall order, especially when external factors are often the determinants of the inner peace; nonetheless, it's my battle, i just have to deal with it.

Good morning world

2008-07-19T09:26:00.003+08:00

It's sat morning! and the sun is good for some work out...
i am feeling abit relieve from last night's discomfort... maybe it was the double dosage that is taking effect? There was this burning sensations on both my kidneys or the tummy, which is which, it's hard to differentiate...
Bad memory of the last year resurfaced again. I was hospitalised for 3 weeks, had a virus attack that shoot my body temperature up to 41 degrees for concecutive 3 days; in short it almost kill me...
The thoughts of the same side effects scare me to my bones. In my distress i called up to God in my semi-conciousness.. and thankfully the next moment i openned up my eyes i felt normal again.
It is still too early to determine if the chemo pills are too high a dosage to take, i need to try another one or two nights.. hopefully everything will be well, and that last night's discomfort is just one-off event.

Plan for the day is to do some cycling, go swimming, watch movie and then got a wedding dinner AGAIN to attend.

so good day world.
p/s and happy birthday to charlie's angel eng. :)

On my own... ...

2008-07-17T17:02:00.002+08:00

Do you have a day that goes smoothly, yet there is an unspoken heaviness in your heart...

I have one today.
nothing really unusual, except that i woke up three times last night...
very early in the morning, i went to the market with mum and bought 9 fishes to release into the reservoir. There is a saying that we'll be blessed for giving the fishes a second chance of living. but don't ask me why 9, or if i really believe in it; nonetheless, it is something i am very happy doing it.
And so, when i release them into the water, the fishes linger around my area for a while untill slowly they started exploring deeper into the waters... there is this feel good factor that i can't really explained, but anyhow i did make a wish there...

After the resevoir, i have to head home to rest, and because of the bad night, i went into quite a deep sleep untill 1pm... and i was equally glad that a friend tesxed me that she won't be able to visit me at the office..somehow today i just want to be left alone..

At 2pm, i stepped on my bike and decided to go for a ride to where i released the fishes.
Cycling has become an important routine for me to sweat it out, without so, my strange body system will break down and end up with more diarrheas.. but withit comes the strains, and i will have a little bleedings inside which is really a better choice if u were to ask me.

so anyway, i reached the the spot where i release the fishes, it shouldn't be a surprise that the fishes will not be around anymore, but i am still a little disappointed.
So i probably stood there for another 30 mins, suddenly the heaviness sets in, and i just could not shake it off..
i guess it could be the uncertainties that are weighing me down; and i have to admit at times like this i will be really envious of another form or simpler life. sometimes i will think it is really tough to be me... then again, it must be tougher to be my mother. Her exasperation and frustration with my predicament, and at the same time she'll have to deal with my nonsense all the time.. seriously, without her, i would not be able to focus on my recovery at all. And for all her selflessness and sacrifice, she is my best mother needless to say!

I think it is very easy to fall into an emotional trap, or sentimental trap whichever is the right description; and as i write this i have to remind myself that alot is at stake, i need to quickly bring myslef out of it, things can only get better isn't it?

Yup it'll be better!!! it is comfirmed by God, me myslef and i! so i do get alot of support here even when i am on my own. 3 cheers!! hip hip hurray, hip hip hurray!! :)

Good habits and Bad habits

2008-07-15T21:44:00.004+08:00

Ever since i am back from toronto, that even though i on more medication than before, but i have been feeling better.. although my body weight do not gain in reflection of that. but it's oki, my pririty is to get well, and get fatter later.

So coming friday i will be visiting my doctor again, and most likely will be increaing his chemo dosage from one to two tablets for the next two weeks.

And before i forget, i just want to remind myself of something i learn on sunday at Batam.

A very wise man, who is also a good friend, good colleague and widely respected manager at my office has been a great helper to me. And not surprisingly, he was also leading some charitable work to batam, but for some reason there were short of helpers last sunday, and so i enlisted myself to help.

Overall i don't think we really did a lot, it would be a easy task if i were to be fitter of course. Nothing realy strike an impression when we were there at the village except the few gigling children that i took with my camera.

We ended our mission there at around 5pm, what i really learnt was a story told by Mr choe.

There were just 5 of us, choe and meng, me and nerissa, plus a friend of Mr choe, whom is supposely quite a racist against the non-chinese.How he ended up with us at helping the Batam villagers was because of a classic story Choe used to convinced him.

"there was this enlightend wise man meditating on the river side, and he saw a scorpion was drowning in the river, being kind hearted, he tried to help, but each time he tried to handle it, it got stinged; the disciples asked the master why he bothered to even try since the scorpion will always keep stinging his hands, but he explained that the scorpion has a bad habit of stinging people, and he himself has a good habit of helping others, so why would he give up his good habit for someone with bad habits? .... "

Choe did not finish the story if eventually the scorpion got tired of stinging the hand that is trying to save him, but whatever grief his friend had against the muslims apparently disappeared at that very moment of hearing the above story, and he was there to help them anyway. :)

i have learn much too. So never give up our good habits for someone with bad habits!!

My Prayer

2008-07-08T23:30:00.002+08:00

The lord is my shepherd, i have everything i need.
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guide me along right paths, bring honour to his name.

Even when i walk through the dark valley of death, i will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my troubles.
you welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life,
and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Amen

My Restlessness

2008-07-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

now it's already day 5, so far i think physically i am still coping well, no abnormalities or sorts, just that past two nights did not have an exactly smooth sleeping, which is so VERY important!!
haize...
I am gonna pray that tonight will be different, that i'll be able to sleep thru tehe night without waking,,, God help me! :)

2nd Of July

2008-07-02T18:36:00.002+08:00

We live thru our life, when somedays are remembered, somedays we choose to forget.
today is no special day, but one which that's worth remembering.

Today is the first day that i marked my new regime.So, while i have been away for almost 10 days at toronto, i worked out a new regime that can accomodate metronomic chemo tharapy mentioned by my oncologist, i am not too sure how well it might turn out, but i have a hunch that this might just be the one drug that's missing. so come friday's doc visit, i'll have to take another round of calculated risk...basically, the so called new regime is to start the day early like 7am for breakfast with the full range of supplements, plus the B17, and when the new drug comes, i 'll take it at 9am,. and then i'll off to my cycling, or any other form of exercise, till 11am i'll have to take my TCM.. then followed by lunch around 12pm. and B17 at 2pm and 4pm, dinner at 7pm with full range Vits and B17.. new drug at 9pm.. tcm at 11pm and Prayers before sleep.

so today hasn't been a good one, lots of things are not going my way.i couldn't go view the show flat at mountain becos i just dun have the mood to do it on my own, some hipcupps on the life plan, and i could not meet up a dear pal, cos she's flying off early .. and in the end i ended up sitting here writing mails and talking to two pals for a long time.
Someone closed to my heart, after a long time she finally remember to reply my email instantly.

so in the end this bad day is not that bad afer all.Of cos there are issues to address, but i'll just leave it till another more appropriate time and enjoying the rest of my 2nd of july

Faith and Denial

2008-06-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

for a very very long time, i have been constantly bombarded between the two...
What is faith?
what is denial?
yesterday's visit with my medical oncologist has once again thrown me right into the turmoil of the two. Updated results show that CEA is still going up, the very indicator that i have been watching closely. So it is bad news, it was disheartening, after almost 4 months of intensive natural therapy, things are just not getting better, CA activities are somehow increasing.
So what now i asked?
denial will be easy! just believe in God, believe things will just get better, the result may not be 100% accurate anyway! is it right? abosolutely wrong, i have to drill this hard into myself!
Faith? this is tough, yet is the only light in tunnel. the lastest result means something else needs to be done, a different way, different regime, different method possibly... i am not too sure about it, but i'll find a way out! i mean there is defintely a way out. i'll keep trying, keep trying, keep trying!

Challenging Day ahead

2008-06-12T01:07:00.002+08:00

It's 1 am now, i should be sleeping actually, then after coming back from my comapny's gathering , my boss gave some speech about work and achievements for the 1st half this year ... it is like we grown by how many %, and that by how many % etc etc.. understandably, i can't relate at all!!!
I choose to leave early the party, not becouse i feel bored, butbecause i need to come back home early, for the necessary doses, not mention it'll be another vist and discussion with my specialist ahead.

Well, on my way home, i was trying to recall some fond memories of the pass 6 months from the office, there are of course. i have identify a few people that's close to my heart, they are always there, always so kind to send their most genuine regards, i would like to think these people are true blessings anyone can get. And i am just so lucky to be constantly on their mind too.

The new beginning

2008-06-10T10:45:00.000+08:00

this is the new chapter, a brand new start, and at times i would feel like a new born.

and i have been waiting for far too long to have this started untill an old Pal, LK told me to start!

Half way through of 2008, recent meomories are all about health scares and imposible battles; and when circumstances like this fell on me, my thoughts and life perspective take the turns and continue towards a new direction, although i am not sure how it is going to be, somehow i can sense things will only be better from here.

some assurances for my dear friends, yes i am still strong! i believe my condition is stablising, couple with cyling (my new found hobby) and strict diets, things will only get better from here like i always believe it will.