31st of July

Today marked the end of july. It is really quite a month, comparatively eventful than the months before for 2008.
So what happened?
I have been on the new regime with the chemo pill for almost the whole month, thankfully, all is well, i did not experience any forms of severe side effects except the headache that knock me out for 4days. Tomorrow's visit with my doctor will most likely going to conclude that the i have reached the maximum dosage for now, so that means it'll be 2 tablets for another month. I believe that the full blood count tomorrow will also show healthy readings.

July also marked with new exercise like swimming, treats at nice restaurants with nerissa, watching batman, and most interestingly, i managed to work and closed a case just yesterday! I'll be working more coming month, the main reasons, 1. i am bored and restless; 2. very obvious la, i am feeling very poor. The expensive medical regime is taking a toll, and i am getting a bit uneasy about it really. And of cos, above all, i'll listen to my body closely.

Most importantly, it is a time for thanks giving, I thank God, and there are always my family and closed friends, the humans, the beasts, the plants, the sky, the oceans and the very air that i am breathing now, all are good, all are beautiful, that tomorrow's dream is still real, still wonderful.

Succession Planning

It's friday! i think everyone likes friday. And time really pass fast, even when i have been spending most of my time at home.
I have just finished reading an article on Forbes talking about changes and succession plans in the well known companies like Apple, Microsoft and Oracle. Names like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates or even Larry Ellision are familiar big shots in the respective comapnies. All of them have built an empire that generate revenues more than some countries whole year GDP.
By now it is no longer news that Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to pursue loftier goals at his foundation, and he has Steve Ballmer to take over the leadership of the company, and that is succession planning.
Reading this article trigger a thought! what about my succession planning?
Nah, i am not talking about who'll take over my business since i have none. i am thinking about having a family, continuing my blood line? From early adulthood, the idea of forming a family of my own is already sunk deep within me. i can often imagine to have a beautiful wife, a charming little prince and precious little Summer in a designed home of my own. It is a beautiful picture!
And i have even gotten the name for daddy's little girl long long tme ago... haha.. i am weird, that's nerrisa's favourite description of me!

i am not sure if my own father had ever thought of the same things when he was my age, and if i resembled his boy of his dreams, one he's proud to carry his blood line.


At times on the side of the reservoir, i will drift into the future; with a house on the pool side or facing the sea, telling stories to my boy, impart all that i know to him and horse ride my Summer around the sofa ...
:)

Head breaker

The title sounded a bit too strong, but it was exactly how i felt yesterday evening.
I had a hard time concentrating on my test i had to take before that, my mind just keep going to blanks.. And i should have heed the sign and go home, but no, i was still my usual self, i tried to shake it off and went ahead to meet a client at bedok...
The headache kept getting worse and naturally i had started to doubt my wisdom of coming down to meet him, i should not have really! And the better thing to do is to cancell another appointment at AMK after that, and by this time i had realised i am in trouble, it was already too late. The heavy trafic home did not help my situation, i was feeling so sick that i had thoughts of pulling to the side and rest... i thought of calling for help, i thought of nerissa, i thought of calling mr phey...
but i kept holding on, i knew if i dun get home to lie down, then the next thing will hapen probably will be the ambulance coming for me...
Never in my memory had i experience a headache that's so excruciating, so tormenting, it was almost like trying to split my head..
I had managed to reach home myself at about 8pm, i was feeling nauseas, and a little feverish; i probably dropped dead on my bed for an hour or so....
This is truly a scary experience! My head still feel a bit drowsy. I am not sure if all these recent hipcups could be due to the chemo drug... it is quite likely i supposed.. which means i have probably reached the dosage limit... or could it be other causes? like maybe i should still wait a bit more to even work a little?
sigh... it is really hectic to do all the guessings.. at times i would wonder that if i am medically educated, i would not be having such a difficult time here.

Poor monday

Today i feel poorer,
maybe something is lost, or that something is missing?
what should be a good day, in the end the rain ruined my day altogether...
i din get to exercise, plus the lack of inner peace, today marked the poorest day i had for a very long time.
It's really strange, but my body has become a symbol of emotional well being as well. and to stay strong, that means i have to stay on the top of the game all the time.
It is actually quite a tall order, especially when external factors are often the determinants of the inner peace; nonetheless, it's my battle, i just have to deal with it.

Good morning world

It's sat morning! and the sun is good for some work out...
i am feeling abit relieve from last night's discomfort... maybe it was the double dosage that is taking effect? There was this burning sensations on both my kidneys or the tummy, which is which, it's hard to differentiate...
Bad memory of the last year resurfaced again. I was hospitalised for 3 weeks, had a virus attack that shoot my body temperature up to 41 degrees for concecutive 3 days; in short it almost kill me...
The thoughts of the same side effects scare me to my bones. In my distress i called up to God in my semi-conciousness.. and thankfully the next moment i openned up my eyes i felt normal again.
It is still too early to determine if the chemo pills are too high a dosage to take, i need to try another one or two nights.. hopefully everything will be well, and that last night's discomfort is just one-off event.

Plan for the day is to do some cycling, go swimming, watch movie and then got a wedding dinner AGAIN to attend.

so good day world.
p/s and happy birthday to charlie's angel eng. :)

On my own... ...

Do you have a day that goes smoothly, yet there is an unspoken heaviness in your heart...

I have one today.
nothing really unusual, except that i woke up three times last night...
very early in the morning, i went to the market with mum and bought 9 fishes to release into the reservoir. There is a saying that we'll be blessed for giving the fishes a second chance of living. but don't ask me why 9, or if i really believe in it; nonetheless, it is something i am very happy doing it.
And so, when i release them into the water, the fishes linger around my area for a while untill slowly they started exploring deeper into the waters... there is this feel good factor that i can't really explained, but anyhow i did make a wish there...

After the resevoir, i have to head home to rest, and because of the bad night, i went into quite a deep sleep untill 1pm... and i was equally glad that a friend tesxed me that she won't be able to visit me at the office..somehow today i just want to be left alone..

At 2pm, i stepped on my bike and decided to go for a ride to where i released the fishes.
Cycling has become an important routine for me to sweat it out, without so, my strange body system will break down and end up with more diarrheas.. but withit comes the strains, and i will have a little bleedings inside which is really a better choice if u were to ask me.

so anyway, i reached the the spot where i release the fishes, it shouldn't be a surprise that the fishes will not be around anymore, but i am still a little disappointed.
So i probably stood there for another 30 mins, suddenly the heaviness sets in, and i just could not shake it off..
i guess it could be the uncertainties that are weighing me down; and i have to admit at times like this i will be really envious of another form or simpler life. sometimes i will think it is really tough to be me... then again, it must be tougher to be my mother. Her exasperation and frustration with my predicament, and at the same time she'll have to deal with my nonsense all the time.. seriously, without her, i would not be able to focus on my recovery at all. And for all her selflessness and sacrifice, she is my best mother needless to say!

I think it is very easy to fall into an emotional trap, or sentimental trap whichever is the right description; and as i write this i have to remind myself that alot is at stake, i need to quickly bring myslef out of it, things can only get better isn't it?

Yup it'll be better!!! it is comfirmed by God, me myslef and i! so i do get alot of support here even when i am on my own. 3 cheers!! hip hip hurray, hip hip hurray!! :)

Good habits and Bad habits

Ever since i am back from toronto, that even though i on more medication than before, but i have been feeling better.. although my body weight do not gain in reflection of that. but it's oki, my pririty is to get well, and get fatter later.

So coming friday i will be visiting my doctor again, and most likely will be increaing his chemo dosage from one to two tablets for the next two weeks.

And before i forget, i just want to remind myself of something i learn on sunday at Batam.

A very wise man, who is also a good friend, good colleague and widely respected manager at my office has been a great helper to me. And not surprisingly, he was also leading some charitable work to batam, but for some reason there were short of helpers last sunday, and so i enlisted myself to help.

Overall i don't think we really did a lot, it would be a easy task if i were to be fitter of course. Nothing realy strike an impression when we were there at the village except the few gigling children that i took with my camera.

We ended our mission there at around 5pm, what i really learnt was a story told by Mr choe.

There were just 5 of us, choe and meng, me and nerissa, plus a friend of Mr choe, whom is supposely quite a racist against the non-chinese.How he ended up with us at helping the Batam villagers was because of a classic story Choe used to convinced him.

"there was this enlightend wise man meditating on the river side, and he saw a scorpion was drowning in the river, being kind hearted, he tried to help, but each time he tried to handle it, it got stinged; the disciples asked the master why he bothered to even try since the scorpion will always keep stinging his hands, but he explained that the scorpion has a bad habit of stinging people, and he himself has a good habit of helping others, so why would he give up his good habit for someone with bad habits? .... "

Choe did not finish the story if eventually the scorpion got tired of stinging the hand that is trying to save him, but whatever grief his friend had against the muslims apparently disappeared at that very moment of hearing the above story, and he was there to help them anyway. :)

i have learn much too. So never give up our good habits for someone with bad habits!!

My Prayer

The lord is my shepherd, i have everything i need.
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guide me along right paths, bring honour to his name.

Even when i walk through the dark valley of death, i will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my troubles.
you welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life,
and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Amen

My Restlessness

now it's already day 5, so far i think physically i am still coping well, no abnormalities or sorts, just that past two nights did not have an exactly smooth sleeping, which is so VERY important!!
haize...
I am gonna pray that tonight will be different, that i'll be able to sleep thru tehe night without waking,,, God help me! :)

2nd Of July

We live thru our life, when somedays are remembered, somedays we choose to forget.
today is no special day, but one which that's worth remembering.

Today is the first day that i marked my new regime.So, while i have been away for almost 10 days at toronto, i worked out a new regime that can accomodate metronomic chemo tharapy mentioned by my oncologist, i am not too sure how well it might turn out, but i have a hunch that this might just be the one drug that's missing. so come friday's doc visit, i'll have to take another round of calculated risk...basically, the so called new regime is to start the day early like 7am for breakfast with the full range of supplements, plus the B17, and when the new drug comes, i 'll take it at 9am,. and then i'll off to my cycling, or any other form of exercise, till 11am i'll have to take my TCM.. then followed by lunch around 12pm. and B17 at 2pm and 4pm, dinner at 7pm with full range Vits and B17.. new drug at 9pm.. tcm at 11pm and Prayers before sleep.

so today hasn't been a good one, lots of things are not going my way.i couldn't go view the show flat at mountain becos i just dun have the mood to do it on my own, some hipcupps on the life plan, and i could not meet up a dear pal, cos she's flying off early .. and in the end i ended up sitting here writing mails and talking to two pals for a long time.
Someone closed to my heart, after a long time she finally remember to reply my email instantly.

so in the end this bad day is not that bad afer all.Of cos there are issues to address, but i'll just leave it till another more appropriate time and enjoying the rest of my 2nd of july