i am going to live!

Chinese new year is typically a very quiet thing for me, every year i find myself stay home with the couch, tv and potatoes for the whole of the holiday. This new year make no differences, i stayed home through out, boredom with some exaggeration almost become suicidal seriously!?! ha..

I saw how my siblings' own family's togetherness in the new year, i was full of envy, i have always want to have my own since early 20s, somehow it is just not yet for me, and this new year year at the same time also amplify how 'lonely' i am at a time like this. This is another moment of me lamenting about life, i know actually i am already very blessed in many ways.

January is coming to the end, and Friday's appointment with Doctor Tan and Doctor Simon brought no encouragement, quite the opposite in fact. CEA is on the up trend, which brought no relief to me or my family.
Coming to the beginning of 3rd year, face to face with cancer, with so many ups and downs, i am growing immune to the bad news, growing tired of writing about this problem.
It has been 2 year plus, too many times i down played the fatality of this illness that i am fighting with to the people around me, it also almost helped to make belief to myself and the rest that this war can be won comfortably somehow.. it is a subconscious thing.
It is not exactly wrong, i am just trying to be my best positive self.
And so the latest test result is a stern reminder of this life threatening illness that i am facing. I mean i am always aware of it, just that talking about the bad and negatives has not been part of me for a long time. And because of this, i have also made some sub conscious decisions over my career, love and family. All in all, i guess i am just taking practical steps that is fair and balance for this part of the journey.
So two year plus of a long war that i am fighting also taught me many things, like the importance of family, love and friendships. And many times, revelation from God helped to pull me out of the pits.
It is tough, but rather than focusing on the problems, i have a new revelation that i need to get start a new beginning with a new attitude towards this.
Also i know that there is a season for everything, i have so much to learn and so much i want to do for this world, so this means i need more time, perhaps the rest of my life!!! Till 120 years old according to my grandma. :)

SO, I am going to live, a healthy and happy life !!