complex being

I have been caught with a complex mixed of feelings for a long time.
I find it hard to comprehend, something that is beyond words.

There are days that i feel really good especially those days when i am at the pool, but there are also those days i felt really lost, and perhaps lousy about myself. Maybe it is an old Gemini characteristic, i am really not sure, but it is definitely not a good spell.

Maybe it is the circumstances that are weighing on me, the reality that i need to accept the limits and restrictions that are placed over my life. Being a free minded all my life, this is a bitter pill that's hard to swallow, not so mention to live with it. Honestly i hate this! Maybe the tone is stronger than how i am actually felt, but if i can help it, i would want to fast forward this trial.

Reality being reality, somethings are indeed beyond me, being level headed and rational also meant that i am in lack of loosing myself a little sometimes. It is like i am unhappy, yet i know i should not be unhappy, and i can mechanically alter my mood by doing something to get myself to the chirpy side almost too fast! It is weird and complicated, having such ability is a plus of course, but something is missing..

Maybe i don;t want to cheer myself up all the time, maybe understanding myself is not good enough, i need someone to understand me? Is this an exhibition act that indirectly depicts how my inner being is really doing ?

I have great friends, i can make them laugh, and they always make my days, but it is just not enough... hmm.. not on a day that i am alone sitting here writing my frustrations.
I am complicated today.