I dun have a title for this. In fact i don't even know where to begin...
It's bad news...
After almost 3 years, i am back to ground zero. Tumor is still there, cancer indicator is still inclining upwards. I have no choice but to confront the reality, death, painful death is imminent unless i were to turn to the last option of drastic operation which was proposed since day one.
To be really honest, when cancer relapsed back then, I was so resolute against the operation, it was better to be dead than were to live with the post-op consequences i thought! But time flies, with a physical body so badly restricted by the cancer and it's treatments, i had accomplished nothing. I am literally trapped. I need more time...
Night time lately is especially torturous, i can't sleep well, so bad, i am almost getting suicidal. It's getting physically and mentally challenging. I need a way out, death was more than once an option thru the many sleepless nights. But i have so many things yet to accomplish, the work i always said i wanna do to make a difference, and my family, and the angel i promised to love and guard for the rest of my life. I am only 30, i can't let it end here. i need a way out, i cant simply allow the light of my life slowly diminished into the darkness.
The new stents are not working well according to the blood test.Something is very wrong, i am waiting anxiously for coming thurs to come so that i can get a far more clear picture of what is going on. But more or less, i am 90% certain, the drastic operation i rejected all these time is the only way our for me, if i want to live! There are still many concerns about the complications of the operation i need to talk it out with the surgeons on thurs, the mortality risk of the op is also relative high even though they had reassured me many times that younger person like me have high chance of pulling through. Coupled with many other potential side effects of the op, life after that will not be normal anymore. But with so many things yet to accomplish, my mind is set, i need to do all it takes to stay alive.
It is really strange, i was fearless of death, i was prepared to perish with this cancer 2 years back. I am not getting the miracle, God did not heal me like i hope He would, i have possibly exhausted all possible treatments, orthodox or unorthodox means, or mixing the western and chinese medicines, or add on the different kind of fringe medicines that gave so much promises. But all failed! 2 years and 9 months of trying, not only i had exhausted all my brilliant ideas, and also my hope and resolves for the miracle that is yet to come. Being suicidal is only a moment of weakness, i know i won't, it's cowardice. Then again, the risk of the op can be fatal too, am i brave? Or that i was just giving up trying on my own resolves? I am exhausted to the brink of breaking down, i am really tired of all these, when will this be ever over?!
Exhaustion, add on frustration and confusion this is probably my state of mind now.
Dap said something that also echoed a little voice in me yesterday, that maybe everything is a process, 2 years and 9 months ago i was not prepared to walk that path, but maybe this period was just to prepare me for that. Maybe she is right, God in all His mercy and Grace knows that i wont be able to take it then, He had preserved me for 2 years and 9 months, and now it is time for me to walk that path? To stay alive, this is the only option. Maybe just maybe, life after op is the miracle that is awaiting me?
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Why So Serious
Quoting from the Joker ( the late Heath Ledger) from movie The Dark Knight.
" Why So serious?"
....
..
.
It is coming to the end of 4 weeks since the operation, and i am still not back to my normal routine. The bleeding and pain though has subsided but still a constant discomfort i have to face daily. I was too naive to think that i can be back so soon when i was first discharged. An rare display how i can also be a simpleton. I was simply silly la.
Staying home for so long almost suffocated me, i was becoming irritable and frustrated. Walking from one point of the house to another point of the house, the four walls was quickly turning into a 'cage' and i am the wounded bird thats so trapped inside. I think i almost gone insane really.
I figured i can never be 100% before i come out again, since thurs i started to come out a bit more. Whether is visiting the office or out to window shop, all of it keep me sane. And i am so thankful that i stepped out of the 'cage', the fresh air outside always rejuvenate my spirit.
Last night especially, Heng, Tan and I were at east coast park for dinner and followed by chilling at the live band cafe beside. The food was good, but the company was simply fantastic. I am always so thankful for them.
The hour plus at the cafe in east coast brought back many memories. We chit chatted away about our younger days; how we used to have BBQ, watched sun rise and sun sets and of cos also the meteorites watching.
I guessed i also had almost forgotten ECP was my favorite hang out place, i had so much fun with Eileen and my cutest smartest Spice. This part of memories was locked up at a corner of my brain until yesterday.
Looking back, I am two years senior to my peers, with exposure to older friends outside, i remembered i was totally fun loving and mischievous even. But somehow as i get older, i got more serious with myself, so bad that it is like all 'work' and no play makes L.S a boring man. My friend tut in recent years always gave me that. There is no doubt that i definitely like myself, goal driven, self dependent these are all my strength, aren't there???
A voice was clearly spoke to me when i was there sitting and enjoying the music, it said " WHY SO SERIOUS?"
This 3 words keep popping up in my head the whole time last night there.
Recent years i am just too uptight with myself, yes i am. And it become a stumbling block between me and God.
I thought i clearly heard Him last night. " i have given u freedom and liberty, walk in my light and also have fun, WHY SO SERIOUS?"
It is good to know what i want, but if i am so caught up with my own ideas, principles or even dreams, how can God walk in? God is a symbol of Love, peace, and hope and many more, but i've forgotten He is also freedom and liberty. People in the world will abuse freedom and liberty on one hand, but on the other i should not have forgotten the gifts and use it in a good way.
After so many years of being a Christian, i admit i am a slow learner.,,,
But its ok, WHY SO SERIOUS, just let go and Let GOD.
" Why So serious?"
....
..
.
It is coming to the end of 4 weeks since the operation, and i am still not back to my normal routine. The bleeding and pain though has subsided but still a constant discomfort i have to face daily. I was too naive to think that i can be back so soon when i was first discharged. An rare display how i can also be a simpleton. I was simply silly la.
Staying home for so long almost suffocated me, i was becoming irritable and frustrated. Walking from one point of the house to another point of the house, the four walls was quickly turning into a 'cage' and i am the wounded bird thats so trapped inside. I think i almost gone insane really.
I figured i can never be 100% before i come out again, since thurs i started to come out a bit more. Whether is visiting the office or out to window shop, all of it keep me sane. And i am so thankful that i stepped out of the 'cage', the fresh air outside always rejuvenate my spirit.
Last night especially, Heng, Tan and I were at east coast park for dinner and followed by chilling at the live band cafe beside. The food was good, but the company was simply fantastic. I am always so thankful for them.
The hour plus at the cafe in east coast brought back many memories. We chit chatted away about our younger days; how we used to have BBQ, watched sun rise and sun sets and of cos also the meteorites watching.
I guessed i also had almost forgotten ECP was my favorite hang out place, i had so much fun with Eileen and my cutest smartest Spice. This part of memories was locked up at a corner of my brain until yesterday.
Looking back, I am two years senior to my peers, with exposure to older friends outside, i remembered i was totally fun loving and mischievous even. But somehow as i get older, i got more serious with myself, so bad that it is like all 'work' and no play makes L.S a boring man. My friend tut in recent years always gave me that. There is no doubt that i definitely like myself, goal driven, self dependent these are all my strength, aren't there???
A voice was clearly spoke to me when i was there sitting and enjoying the music, it said " WHY SO SERIOUS?"
This 3 words keep popping up in my head the whole time last night there.
Recent years i am just too uptight with myself, yes i am. And it become a stumbling block between me and God.
I thought i clearly heard Him last night. " i have given u freedom and liberty, walk in my light and also have fun, WHY SO SERIOUS?"
It is good to know what i want, but if i am so caught up with my own ideas, principles or even dreams, how can God walk in? God is a symbol of Love, peace, and hope and many more, but i've forgotten He is also freedom and liberty. People in the world will abuse freedom and liberty on one hand, but on the other i should not have forgotten the gifts and use it in a good way.
After so many years of being a Christian, i admit i am a slow learner.,,,
But its ok, WHY SO SERIOUS, just let go and Let GOD.
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