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I dun have a title for this. In fact i don't even know where to begin...
It's bad news...
After almost 3 years, i am back to ground zero. Tumor is still there, cancer indicator is still inclining upwards. I have no choice but to confront the reality, death, painful death is imminent unless i were to turn to the last option of drastic operation which was proposed since day one.

To be really honest, when cancer relapsed back then, I was so resolute against the operation, it was better to be dead than were to live with the post-op consequences i thought! But time flies, with a physical body so badly restricted by the cancer and it's treatments, i had accomplished nothing. I am literally trapped. I need more time...


Night time lately is especially torturous, i can't sleep well, so bad, i am almost getting suicidal. It's getting physically and mentally challenging. I need a way out, death was more than once an option thru the many sleepless nights. But i have so many things yet to accomplish, the work i always said i wanna do to make a difference, and my family, and the angel i promised to love and guard for the rest of my life. I am only 30, i can't let it end here. i need a way out, i cant simply allow the light of my life slowly diminished into the darkness.

The new stents are not working well according to the blood test.Something is very wrong, i am waiting anxiously for coming thurs to come so that i can get a far more clear picture of what is going on. But more or less, i am 90% certain, the drastic operation i rejected all these time is the only way our for me, if i want to live! There are still many concerns about the complications of the operation i need to talk it out with the surgeons on thurs, the mortality risk of the op is also relative high even though they had reassured me many times that younger person like me have high chance of pulling through. Coupled with many other potential side effects of the op, life after that will not be normal anymore. But with so many things yet to accomplish, my mind is set, i need to do all it takes to stay alive.

It is really strange, i was fearless of death, i was prepared to perish with this cancer 2 years back. I am not getting the miracle, God did not heal me like i hope He would, i have possibly exhausted all possible treatments, orthodox or unorthodox means, or mixing the western and chinese medicines, or add on the different kind of fringe medicines that gave so much promises. But all failed! 2 years and 9 months of trying, not only i had exhausted all my brilliant ideas, and also my hope and resolves for the miracle that is yet to come. Being suicidal is only a moment of weakness, i know i won't, it's cowardice. Then again, the risk of the op can be fatal too, am i brave? Or that i was just giving up trying on my own resolves? I am exhausted to the brink of breaking down, i am really tired of all these, when will this be ever over?!

Exhaustion, add on frustration and confusion this is probably my state of mind now.

Dap said something that also echoed a little voice in me yesterday, that maybe everything is a process, 2 years and 9 months ago i was not prepared to walk that path, but maybe this period was just to prepare me for that. Maybe she is right, God in all His mercy and Grace knows that i wont be able to take it then, He had preserved me for 2 years and 9 months, and now it is time for me to walk that path? To stay alive, this is the only option. Maybe just maybe, life after op is the miracle that is awaiting me?