On my own... ...

Do you have a day that goes smoothly, yet there is an unspoken heaviness in your heart...

I have one today.
nothing really unusual, except that i woke up three times last night...
very early in the morning, i went to the market with mum and bought 9 fishes to release into the reservoir. There is a saying that we'll be blessed for giving the fishes a second chance of living. but don't ask me why 9, or if i really believe in it; nonetheless, it is something i am very happy doing it.
And so, when i release them into the water, the fishes linger around my area for a while untill slowly they started exploring deeper into the waters... there is this feel good factor that i can't really explained, but anyhow i did make a wish there...

After the resevoir, i have to head home to rest, and because of the bad night, i went into quite a deep sleep untill 1pm... and i was equally glad that a friend tesxed me that she won't be able to visit me at the office..somehow today i just want to be left alone..

At 2pm, i stepped on my bike and decided to go for a ride to where i released the fishes.
Cycling has become an important routine for me to sweat it out, without so, my strange body system will break down and end up with more diarrheas.. but withit comes the strains, and i will have a little bleedings inside which is really a better choice if u were to ask me.

so anyway, i reached the the spot where i release the fishes, it shouldn't be a surprise that the fishes will not be around anymore, but i am still a little disappointed.
So i probably stood there for another 30 mins, suddenly the heaviness sets in, and i just could not shake it off..
i guess it could be the uncertainties that are weighing me down; and i have to admit at times like this i will be really envious of another form or simpler life. sometimes i will think it is really tough to be me... then again, it must be tougher to be my mother. Her exasperation and frustration with my predicament, and at the same time she'll have to deal with my nonsense all the time.. seriously, without her, i would not be able to focus on my recovery at all. And for all her selflessness and sacrifice, she is my best mother needless to say!

I think it is very easy to fall into an emotional trap, or sentimental trap whichever is the right description; and as i write this i have to remind myself that alot is at stake, i need to quickly bring myslef out of it, things can only get better isn't it?

Yup it'll be better!!! it is comfirmed by God, me myslef and i! so i do get alot of support here even when i am on my own. 3 cheers!! hip hip hurray, hip hip hurray!! :)