Today is my best pal's birthday, and coincidentally its also a month now since the operation was done. I am slowly getting back my feet to the ground, the antibiotic treatment won't be over until next sat, so November is officially over for me, and all i hope now its for the infection to get out of the way, before i can start getting focus on the new lease of living.
My dear friend mentioned that she was the one always calling me to ask about me, and she was so right; i am lousy when it comes to talk about my problems.In fact, i never like to talk about problems, for i know talking about it just won't solve anything, it'll probably made me feel worse, maybe, maybe not? But of cos, when its all bottomed up and gonna over-flow, i'll still have this dear friend to whine about life.
So ok, The operation is a huge success according to my doctors, it is a huge relieved to the dear people around me. I am thankful! very thankful! I have to credit all these to God, without His grace and mercy, all will not be possible.
One month is gone, i am getting back my strength back bit by bit, and at the same time, i have to cope with the whole new life, everything is different, the real challenge is not the op, is after the op! I have to admit that many many times i have doubts if i can really live on with the changes! The limitations and inconveniences are going to follow me the rest of my life! can i really handle it?
Well actually it's a dummy question, i mean can i handle it?!? do i have a choice? Of all people, i should be the last person to have a second thought about all these right? Sometimes i wish that i can think and feel the logical but without emotions way, yet can a man made of flesh able to behave in such 'perfect' mode?
In anyway, i am just venting my frustrations here, i know as time go by, i will slowly get use to this, i will made the best out of this, i know and i know.!!!
But now just let me whine... let me be weak for a while, allow me to complain; and dun get me talk about my problems, it is a taboo now, cos this is not something anyone can help, i alone has to overcome the psychological barrier. It is gonna take sometime, but rest assured, i wont waste too much time on it too, time is simply too precious.
Oh.. no, i am not gonna be a one man island or a hermit yet, taking time off from the problems is just a mental break for me. i cant imagine being alone for even a second! It kills me when i think i am gonna be a lonely old man! hahahahahah..
This morning sun is exceptionally refreshing, and the breeze is cooling, the morning drive from the hospital is enjoyable.. i like my car! :)
And to my best pal, the perfect woman in my opinion, happy birthday to you! I am sure all the goods things are gonna come your way!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
21st Oct 2009
I guess I will never forget this date!
At 0600H, I was woken up by the nurses for their routine checks on all patients. It's 2 hours away from the operation. To say i had no fears would be a bluff, yet at the same time i had been waiting for the moment to come for almost 4 weeks of agonizing delays. I knew the odds were simply too low, my life very highly could just end there and then. But i thought myself again and again, i had tried my best, exhausted all my abilities and will for the last 3 years, there was really nothing left in me except to leave everything to God. And i thought, if it were to end then, i had no regrets either, I am no perfect men, but i have lived an honorable life; i might not have experience everything in life, but it's enough or so i thought.
At 0630H, one by one, my whole family arrived, my parents, dajie, er jie, my brother and two brother-in-laws. Moments after, Ling kai and charlie's family, chen wei, daphne and Edwin, Julia and Chee wee all arrived at the ward as well. It's a weds morning, all of them took leave to give me their supports! to be honest, i needed it badly, and just so glad that they are all there.
At 0700H, time to change for the op. Thank God ling kai was there, being a man of God, he was a constant calm and peace to my over anxious family.
At 0730H, Of all things, i did not leave a will! Sub-consciously i just did not want to sabotage myself the already low odds. But What if it happened!? unfortunately i had to leave this burden to my dearest Tan when i knew she wasn't having the best time of her life too. she could hardly hold back her tears when i told her my last instructions; it sure hurts to see your best pal cry, all i wished for her is that she'll be happy always.
At 0800H, I was ready to go in, and then all of the sudden, emotions started to break out, first is mum, then follow by my father and sisters, one by one, they started crying, i could hardly hold back mine, i had to reassure them that i was gonna be ok, yet seeing them with all tears, my tears went out of control too. It felt like life and death separation kind of scene, i thought this only happened in the dramas?
At 0810H, not sure abt the time anymore, but the moment i am in the ops room, all was all too familiar, just this time i know the op is gonna take the whole day. I recited palms 23 and quickly i was unconscious... no dreams.. nothing..
At 1700H, the very first moment i regained my consciousness, the pain was excruciating! But i needed an answer, i needed to know if the op is a success, that the tumor is all removed, that i can live again!!! Drifting in and out of consciousness, finally i was pushed out where the 14 dear people are all waiting for me, Dajie did not failed me, she was quick to tell me the op is a success! when i heard that, i channel all my strength to my right arm and lifted my fist towards the 14 dear people. Yes, i made it! And then i was back to unconsciousness again. Phew...
I heard from Ling Kai and Tan subsequently, on how they all waited outside of the ops room from the moment i was in till i was out again, how they rushed to the door whenever its opened and to realize it was not me... every time when i imagine the very scene, it always drive me to tears. I am a very lucky man, a very lucky lucky man! I have strong family support, loving mum and sisters, incredible brother in Christ and my ever green charlies' angels and partner. I have all the best things in life, I am blessed! God is Good!
At 0600H, I was woken up by the nurses for their routine checks on all patients. It's 2 hours away from the operation. To say i had no fears would be a bluff, yet at the same time i had been waiting for the moment to come for almost 4 weeks of agonizing delays. I knew the odds were simply too low, my life very highly could just end there and then. But i thought myself again and again, i had tried my best, exhausted all my abilities and will for the last 3 years, there was really nothing left in me except to leave everything to God. And i thought, if it were to end then, i had no regrets either, I am no perfect men, but i have lived an honorable life; i might not have experience everything in life, but it's enough or so i thought.
At 0630H, one by one, my whole family arrived, my parents, dajie, er jie, my brother and two brother-in-laws. Moments after, Ling kai and charlie's family, chen wei, daphne and Edwin, Julia and Chee wee all arrived at the ward as well. It's a weds morning, all of them took leave to give me their supports! to be honest, i needed it badly, and just so glad that they are all there.
At 0700H, time to change for the op. Thank God ling kai was there, being a man of God, he was a constant calm and peace to my over anxious family.
At 0730H, Of all things, i did not leave a will! Sub-consciously i just did not want to sabotage myself the already low odds. But What if it happened!? unfortunately i had to leave this burden to my dearest Tan when i knew she wasn't having the best time of her life too. she could hardly hold back her tears when i told her my last instructions; it sure hurts to see your best pal cry, all i wished for her is that she'll be happy always.
At 0800H, I was ready to go in, and then all of the sudden, emotions started to break out, first is mum, then follow by my father and sisters, one by one, they started crying, i could hardly hold back mine, i had to reassure them that i was gonna be ok, yet seeing them with all tears, my tears went out of control too. It felt like life and death separation kind of scene, i thought this only happened in the dramas?
At 0810H, not sure abt the time anymore, but the moment i am in the ops room, all was all too familiar, just this time i know the op is gonna take the whole day. I recited palms 23 and quickly i was unconscious... no dreams.. nothing..
At 1700H, the very first moment i regained my consciousness, the pain was excruciating! But i needed an answer, i needed to know if the op is a success, that the tumor is all removed, that i can live again!!! Drifting in and out of consciousness, finally i was pushed out where the 14 dear people are all waiting for me, Dajie did not failed me, she was quick to tell me the op is a success! when i heard that, i channel all my strength to my right arm and lifted my fist towards the 14 dear people. Yes, i made it! And then i was back to unconsciousness again. Phew...
I heard from Ling Kai and Tan subsequently, on how they all waited outside of the ops room from the moment i was in till i was out again, how they rushed to the door whenever its opened and to realize it was not me... every time when i imagine the very scene, it always drive me to tears. I am a very lucky man, a very lucky lucky man! I have strong family support, loving mum and sisters, incredible brother in Christ and my ever green charlies' angels and partner. I have all the best things in life, I am blessed! God is Good!
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