Yes, i am one! maybe sometimes overly sensitive?!?
While most if the time i claim that i am a logical person, my emotions always give me away! SO i figure out that i am only selectively logical, meaning logical to somethings, emotional to many others?
Well actually i am rationale most of the time, am i not?
Maybe i can isolate the hearts issues are those that dominates my thoughts and eventual behaviors, so that makes me the left brain person (or is it right?) haha... Then of course, any other things, i can be extremely logical and rationale! make sense?
The past 10 years had brought lots of changes within me, my perspective towards relationship had evolved from 'cave man era to 22nd century.. ok i am exaggerating..
The more accurate way of saying should be i get more careful with people, the girls i meant!! Some major lessons, such as never let go V.S letting go, beware of the office ladies, they are dangerous once you are romantically linked ; and etc etc ...
i gotta do a disclaimer, this is not referring to anyone! it is purely fictional! If you buy it?! ha..
What i am probably saying here is, as we grow older, the margin for mistakes just got thinner, things got much more complicated when we are held responsible not just for ourselves but also the people around us. While it is inevitable that responsibilities will pile on our shoulders as we grow older, to see it as liability or a drag on the feet from moving forward, again is down to choices! Truth is, sometimes in order to move ahead, we have to unload someone or something, to put it plainly, in a interconnected society, it is just not possible not to have that ripple effect whenever the stone is thrown!
I guess i am not sure what i am driving at too! i have found myself in a certain predicament that go beyond my wildest imagination, and it had already happened for like 2 year plus long, something that i have been avoiding and refused to acknowledge till very recent days. Like a typical Gemini, i am bipolar! i am glad that i am coming to terms with it, yet at the same time i found myself behaving oddly in a totally unfamiliar ground, like i said it is beyond my wildest imaginations... As for the outcome? Man...the slightest thought of it and my heart probably go beating the fastest rate in my 30 years history...
The last image of myself i thought is still the cool, indifferent guy that has the whole world at the finger tips... this is definitely unbecoming of myself!!! But as the heart beats, my composure and confidence are exposed and left spinning all over again...
To conclude, i am new age? sure! sensitive? absolutely; but i am also happy, nervous, a little confused, excited and forward looking!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I am a chicken!
I had to admit, i am a chicken lately. There is something i need to do and i am not doing it! i am scared! petrified! Its abnormal for me to behave the way i behave... just 4 more days, i need to prepare myself and get this over, i am determined not to bring the baggage over.
Where shall i begin? how shall i start?
one thing that is certain, i had probably bottom things up for too long, the little secrets of mine is release to quite a few people already, the fact is i am not a keeper of my own secrets, and to keep it for 2 year long, that is really something isn't it!
The emotions involved is totally new and unfamiliar, it had probably caught me unprepared and off guard. Life so very often throws up surprise that we can be so overwhelmed! I shared with Eileen yesterday, and she said that my life is always so drama, what to do??!!! ah huh.. that sure doesn't help a lot! Like i always like to emphasize, i am just a simple man seeking simple things in life, why so complicated?? Arggh,....
Of course life is also about choices! While i can choose to be chicken for a while, i can be brave the next moment, just that bravery needs some trigger point!?!
Time is running against me, i have yet to find that, and so like what a friend had said, i can be one hell of a chicken and just do it! i don't know, it is a little far too complicated than just do it... but if it's really chicken from the hell, it wouldnt care so much isn't it?
D-day could be any time soon... Be chicken in red under pants, or just simply be a hero?
Where shall i begin? how shall i start?
one thing that is certain, i had probably bottom things up for too long, the little secrets of mine is release to quite a few people already, the fact is i am not a keeper of my own secrets, and to keep it for 2 year long, that is really something isn't it!
The emotions involved is totally new and unfamiliar, it had probably caught me unprepared and off guard. Life so very often throws up surprise that we can be so overwhelmed! I shared with Eileen yesterday, and she said that my life is always so drama, what to do??!!! ah huh.. that sure doesn't help a lot! Like i always like to emphasize, i am just a simple man seeking simple things in life, why so complicated?? Arggh,....
Of course life is also about choices! While i can choose to be chicken for a while, i can be brave the next moment, just that bravery needs some trigger point!?!
Time is running against me, i have yet to find that, and so like what a friend had said, i can be one hell of a chicken and just do it! i don't know, it is a little far too complicated than just do it... but if it's really chicken from the hell, it wouldnt care so much isn't it?
D-day could be any time soon... Be chicken in red under pants, or just simply be a hero?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Revelation..
My resolution for the new year is to enter the 2010 with a light and free spirit...
I had a little release yesterday, i leaked out all those that's buried deep within me when i was ask about by a dear couple after perhaps a glass of wine. I am not good at bottoming things up, i guess given any chance, i would always ready to pour all out...
Quite a number of friends did not turn up yesterday for the xmas party and gift exchange, but those who come really make it quite a ball! There is this unspeakable joy and happiness in the atmosphere, i thought it was only a little space away to get the people to dance with the music playing at the back ground... It is almost a perfect Christmas if only that special someone was there to sway me away with the christmas melody...
Unlike the previous years, my friends really almost finish all my bottles!!! haha.. and it lasted until this morning 9am... there was no chance to rest or sleep for me, two of my mates down and out on my bed, one was totally goner n most of the time she stays in the toilet, the couch was naturally filled up too. In the end, WH and i spent the whole 'morning' talking about my secrets n help to keep each other awake, until the rest can get up and go home..
Phew, i had totally enjoyed the night, just one thing, i missed the Xmas service! Thankful my God is gracious. :)
I had a little release yesterday, i leaked out all those that's buried deep within me when i was ask about by a dear couple after perhaps a glass of wine. I am not good at bottoming things up, i guess given any chance, i would always ready to pour all out...
Quite a number of friends did not turn up yesterday for the xmas party and gift exchange, but those who come really make it quite a ball! There is this unspeakable joy and happiness in the atmosphere, i thought it was only a little space away to get the people to dance with the music playing at the back ground... It is almost a perfect Christmas if only that special someone was there to sway me away with the christmas melody...
Unlike the previous years, my friends really almost finish all my bottles!!! haha.. and it lasted until this morning 9am... there was no chance to rest or sleep for me, two of my mates down and out on my bed, one was totally goner n most of the time she stays in the toilet, the couch was naturally filled up too. In the end, WH and i spent the whole 'morning' talking about my secrets n help to keep each other awake, until the rest can get up and go home..
Phew, i had totally enjoyed the night, just one thing, i missed the Xmas service! Thankful my God is gracious. :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Solitude?
Once in a while it is good!
Today, i did everything on my own, shopping for xmas presents, lunch and dinner all on my own. It feels all good and normal, until i was there at Terminal one waiting at the arrival hall for my mum, solitude can only go so far i thought, and the drizzling rain sure does not help the mood...
Wish i can reach the sky, touch the star, hold on to the angel's hands, even the shortest moment can make me the happiest man for tonight...
Solitude? no thanks ...
Today, i did everything on my own, shopping for xmas presents, lunch and dinner all on my own. It feels all good and normal, until i was there at Terminal one waiting at the arrival hall for my mum, solitude can only go so far i thought, and the drizzling rain sure does not help the mood...
Wish i can reach the sky, touch the star, hold on to the angel's hands, even the shortest moment can make me the happiest man for tonight...
Solitude? no thanks ...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wild (WOW) Thoughts
10 more days, and it will be a whole decade altogether, there are many reasons that i should be thankful of, but maybe man are inherently easily discontented. From struggling to take my first step after the op, and now almost fully back to full fitness, my mind is constantly on a run...
There is an unexplained uneasiness, it is almost like take two steps forward, and has to quickly take one back... Time is the key, i know i am overly anxious, i know i should control my restlessness, but emotions so very often takes the lead in my daily life and thoughts, there is just this uncontrollable impulsion of wanting to do more; and i kept giving myself excuses that it is because i just wanted to do more while i can, when i can. Well, i find it laughable myself sometimes, but this is me, absolutely complicated, and easily simple minded! Does it make any sense? i guess not.. never mind ..
I have a little secret..
Maybe it is an open secret? i wanna retire early... maybe it is all the things that i had gone through, the realisation of greater meaning in life, my thoughts kept drift into a life of simple married man.
i need to make a resolution, there are many baggage that cannot be brought forward to the new year, i am lacking a little courage and will power to make progress in unloading them... just 10 more days...what am i doing?!
Argh... sometimes leaving everything to status quo is the easiest, n possibly most harmless, yet it might just be the only window of opportunities to the life that i always want; but taking the step might also jeopardize or changed what is already good enough... it is a dead end?!? oh well... definitely unsolvable tonight...
maybe tomorrow will bring some light to the tunnel of my thoughts?
There is an unexplained uneasiness, it is almost like take two steps forward, and has to quickly take one back... Time is the key, i know i am overly anxious, i know i should control my restlessness, but emotions so very often takes the lead in my daily life and thoughts, there is just this uncontrollable impulsion of wanting to do more; and i kept giving myself excuses that it is because i just wanted to do more while i can, when i can. Well, i find it laughable myself sometimes, but this is me, absolutely complicated, and easily simple minded! Does it make any sense? i guess not.. never mind ..
I have a little secret..
Maybe it is an open secret? i wanna retire early... maybe it is all the things that i had gone through, the realisation of greater meaning in life, my thoughts kept drift into a life of simple married man.
i need to make a resolution, there are many baggage that cannot be brought forward to the new year, i am lacking a little courage and will power to make progress in unloading them... just 10 more days...what am i doing?!
Argh... sometimes leaving everything to status quo is the easiest, n possibly most harmless, yet it might just be the only window of opportunities to the life that i always want; but taking the step might also jeopardize or changed what is already good enough... it is a dead end?!? oh well... definitely unsolvable tonight...
maybe tomorrow will bring some light to the tunnel of my thoughts?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Passion
What is your passion in life?
What is the thing that you do that gives you the most sense of fulfilling?
Today Lk came to the hospital in the morning and accompany for the antibiotic treatment and the CT Scan that followed, it is such a blessing to have a friend like him really. We talked through out the day, from the most trivial things in life, to serious topics like relationships. Maybe it is the God factor in him, i realize this man has grown in size in both understanding and wisdom; This definitely add on to my belief that God makes the difference.
The topic of passions in life keep lingers in my thoughts, i thought maybe it is the direction that i should be exploring of what to do next. Well it is a good start, better than being clueless all the time.
So my passion? what is it really? I am passionate about my job, getting people to plan their finances etc can set me talking for days. But i need more than this job to make a bigger difference.. i want to make a difference, maybe this is my passion?!
What is the thing that you do that gives you the most sense of fulfilling?
Today Lk came to the hospital in the morning and accompany for the antibiotic treatment and the CT Scan that followed, it is such a blessing to have a friend like him really. We talked through out the day, from the most trivial things in life, to serious topics like relationships. Maybe it is the God factor in him, i realize this man has grown in size in both understanding and wisdom; This definitely add on to my belief that God makes the difference.
The topic of passions in life keep lingers in my thoughts, i thought maybe it is the direction that i should be exploring of what to do next. Well it is a good start, better than being clueless all the time.
So my passion? what is it really? I am passionate about my job, getting people to plan their finances etc can set me talking for days. But i need more than this job to make a bigger difference.. i want to make a difference, maybe this is my passion?!
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