November Rain..

This is a friend of mine favourite song by Guns n Roses.
And what i gonna said for the following has nothing to do with the song actually, it is just that whenever i think of the song it'll remind me of that friend, he always send us a message to welcome the November Rain almost every year on the 1st of November..

So, coming to the month end, i think this is one unusual month that's full of hiccups. It is a month of disappointments and let downs, also a month of amazing grace that i experienced from God. Nope, CEA did not dropped to a miraculous level that i hoped for, but nonetheless it retreated one point to 12. Given some basic understanding of the natural of the problem, it is already quite miracle i am at where i am, i am grateful and thankful. BUT BUT.. i know and i know, full recovery will come, CEA will drop to 0, I will be healed completely sooner than later, i have change my mindset about it, it'll come fast, and i am and will stay prepared for it to take place.

I have one good day, clear some unwanted expectations, brought a friend to church, and HA... i played almost 40 mins of 'competitive football' on a friendly game with current DHS school team.
i am having a bit of pains on the kidneys, due to over strained... but nothing can describe the feelings i had when i was on the pitch. i was savouring every single minute of it in the late afternoon.
So goodbye November rain, hello charismasy December.
I am trilled to say this, life is beautiful, mine is indeed yet to begin.

Time of the month

It's conclusive, the last week of the month has become a week of anxiety, restlessness and maybe little bit bad tempered!

Unconsciously it is also a week when i become so ineffective at work that i dreaded of going to office.

This cycle has to come to an end soon, and i am looking forward to tomorrow for a good report.
Very long time ago, someone close would remember i always said with Saint Michael on my left, Saint Peter on my right, moses at my front, Jesus behind me, I am invincible! :)

Happy Thanks Giving

Can't believe how time has passed so fast... it is already going into december, and soon new year!
It is like i don;t even have timeto catch my breathe, take a kitkat, sit at the side of the spring, and worrying nothing.

I would think we are all the same creation, i.e same kind of creatures; lamenting about life, on what could be done or could have done, and the many possbilities that were left undone, that constantly bugging our mind.

It is true that we cannot do much about the past, but the experiences of failures, mistakes and many lessons should never be forgotten, else wouldn't it meant we have wasted our past years??
In Life, we all have our transitional years, hopefully so for everyone; it is when we finally wake up, took the ownership and responsibilities that have been tasked upon us and do the best we can for the present and of course the future!

Time is indeed merciless, it forgives no one, wait for no one, it is either we ride on it's wave or be prepared to sweep to the sideline and be forgotten. It is afterall, our choice to make!

Anyway, Happy Thanks Giving for all the people that loved me and those that i love!
I am thankful for the grace on my mistakes, and all the experiences that helped to shape who i am; I am thankful for today, the very moment now; I am thankful for the tomorrows, it'll be better, much better, it'll be filled with hope, love and good health.

Convinced!

Asia conference is finally over, Sat came and passsed without a bang, But very importantly, i am still on track for full recovery, i received this vision in full through out the whole week.

My dears friends, thanks for praying and fasting for me, like what i said, it did not happened with a bang, but it is still taking place right here right now. It is a process, takes a bit of time and patience, some day, soon, i will give thanks for the fruits of all you whom have laboured so hard in prayers for me! Yes soon!! i believe, so keep praying with me!

I was even more encouraged when Neo and nerissa were there to offer their support and even to offer their prayers in their own ways for me. I felt blessed, and more importantly, i have their salvation in mind whilst they have supports for me in theirs. The day will come too!

So it is a rare week where i hardly get to have a good rest, it's a week without weekends for almost all the attendees, i had hoped to attend to learn more, but physically it was just not possible.

In general, it is a great event, good conference, tonight's highlight before A.R Bernard's another mind blowing service has to be the performances of a lot of celebrities incluing JJ Lin, whom also shared the goodness of God in their life with us. It makes me feel so small, makes me wanna get healed quickly and do something, to make this life count, to be involved!!!

I am convinced of what i should do, will do, must do!

Healing

Today has finally arrived!

A year and a half back, Benny Hinns was holding his healing service at Singapore indoor stadium. I had wanted to go so much in the midst of under going treatment with chemo and radiation. a last minute virus attack, had my fever shot up to 41 degrees in 3 consecutive days in the hospital, and when i realised that what could be my 'only hope' was dashed by the fever, i was sent into a hopeless pit.

I remembered Nerissa and my mum and sisters were all there, that was the moment i can't hide my fear and hopelessness anymore, i broke down, and tears started to flow down my cheeks. I thought that even God has forsaken me, i was losing hope.

Looking back, maybe everything happened for a reason, thankfully i pulled through from the virus attack. The year long battle with CA can be exhaustive, i know i have come a long way, at the same time i have grown to learn more about God, i learnt to let go, and let God. The journey towards Him is still a long way, but i am just as thankful that i am finally on the right track.

Today has finally arrived, i am anticipating great things and miracles to happen, i am hopeful, and even while i am sitting here, it is already happening...

Nonetheless, the unchanging fact is that God is sovereign! Is grace! Is love! My faith is as small as a mustard seed still, but i believe and i know tonight it will explode!

Moving office

Come sunday, i will be moving back to Hsbc main building in raffles place.

Good, cos it is better for me ..
bad.. cos there are much more hidden cost in moving back, i have some mixed feelings about this, but all in all, of cos it is better than staying at singpost with the rest.

Oh well.. the toughest part i think is the moving, packing and then unpacking.. IT IS SO TIREDING<<<..

my heart weeps..

Asia conference has started...

Although i was late, but the whole set up and atmosphere had me blown away anyway.
Pastor today shared some insights about the different 'space' of the church world, the society, and the influential groups, and in the midst of the excitement and exuberance, through pastor, i can almost feel jesus' heart towards people, towards me.

My heart weeps, when I felt His unconditional love, especially when some friends have been telling me that they are going to fast for me on saturday.

It is only 3 more days...
I need all the help and encouragement. who else is with me?

Nerissa

I have realised that i have been blogging like a journal, i wrote my thoughts, feelings and reflections all here. There are pros and cons in doing i so i suppose, but if you really know me, then you would know that i am living an open life, i want to be! There are not things or thoughts that can't be shared although a lot of times the thoughts or emotions are just in particular for that moment, which means it dosn't carry much weight in my mind and life.
Oh well, not sure if anyone understand what i am saying, anyone?

I have been wanting to write a series of people in my life for a long time, naturally is to honour them and show my gratitue and the impact these group of people have on me.

So ladies and gentle man, allow me to introduce the most lovable Nerissa Low. My girlfriend for almost a year and a half less of the time we were apart. although we have decided to take a step back and have our own life for a while, and possibly more than one time i mentioned about the difficluties we had in our time; then again we are both flawed human beings, we made mistakes and learn from them, so this will be a page about all her goods, little interest to my dear friends, but important for me nonetheless to share my good thoughts of her.


I give her many names, wrote her love peoms for the first time of my life, a talent that i never thought i have, guess it was love that was working magic.
(and before i continue, xiaobao, u if r reading this: " We both have people made the differences in our past, we cannot deny them and we shouldn't! Honouring them, dosn't make the present less significant anyway)

Nerrisa, her frens call her Neri, but i thought it is funny, shouldn't it be Rissa? We met in the office, but there wasn't any sparks at the beginning. It was through the roadshows we did together, that her charm started to draw all my attention without me knowing. i always remembered, how i callled her the siamese cat, which is really a proud yet majestic animal, it's high class!! People with historian back ground would also link this kind of Cat to the Egytian princess. So yup, she was my Egytian princess, and all the little conversations we had then ignited my curiuosity and eventually admiration. Those days then were fun, and i always told her than that she was the refreshing wind that breathe new life into me.

I called her Rainbow, because she is like one!! and among the 7 colours, she is the purple! colourful personality, enchanting to some, mysterious to others, beautiful to me although at times it can really drive me crazy in a love spin.

I called her honey, at her best, she can melt even the Mount Everest! Yea, she is sweet, really sweet. I remembered when she knock my car onto a pillar in our old orchard office, i was really upset, but she came back with a bouquet of flowers for me!! i was blown over really.. i mean i always love flowers, so i give flowers to her quite often then, but she knows i love them too?!!!! haha... and when she was away to china, she got people sent another one to me!!! and my birthday as well!! of cos there are others too, but the three different occasions alone can really can turn me into Pooh who hug onto the honey pot.. she has been my honey pot!

Not too long ago, i called her xiao bao, namely small treasure! and this small treasure are in different forms, at times like brilliant rose that light up my day; at times like chilly red ruby that's glaring to the naked eyes; at timeslike the master piece crystal that's pure and innocent, One that lighten my load in the dark hours of the last two years, a strong and resilient pillar;
At all times, just a precious treasure in my heart.


Lately i have sumed her up, i said she is just like a innocent little girl holding onto her lovely teddy bear biscuit, and then the next moment her innocence is replaced by a greedy and monsterous look and start chewing off the teddy bear piece by piece, and when she's done, she will change into her audacious new dress, wear the Omega watch and drive her BMW convertible for a spin!!! I have probably the best fun loving roller coastal ride all these while.

My best pal lately mentioned that he know that he and gf have the differences, and also constantly at odds with each other, but he said also that above everything, they are good enough for each other and is ready to give in just to make it even better. I am deeply impressed by him really, such a maturity! :)

So Nerissa and i probably are taking a little step back, i wish it'll bear fruit when the right season comes, however it will be she will always take up a big space in my heart.

My Life Pte Ltd

Today i spend quite a while looking at photos i took from the last 5 years. it really brought back lots memories!!

CEO

In early 2005, i've decided to set up a company in my own name called "My Life Pte Ltd". Natually i am the CEO.. has to be right? I had even made 2 boxes of name cards for myself when i was in bangkok that year.It was just one of the many false starts for the last 5 years?Why did i say false start? instead of fresh start?

The Beginning

Back then i was still fresh from a major shock in life in 2004 when i was first diagnosed to have colon cancer... I was in shock when the doctor revealed it to me and my family. Cancer is a term that i had never imagined that i will ever have the need to understand.. least to experience it on myself. Maybe it was just me, i did not cry or go into panic.. especially the rest of my family were in a devastating state. I did not want them to worry more. i went into silence. Reassured them i'll be fine and went for a walk on my own.

i didn't call eileen, gf since i was in secondary 4, I was a little disappointed that she could not be with me there and then, but it was i whom reassured her that i would be ok anyway.. I fell into self dependant mode, and maybe even more so of a protectitive mode, i just don't want people that i love to worry about me.

As i walked.. i called Heng, who has always been my best pal.. he was playing with alicia at sentosa when i called... I didn't know what to say.. but when i blur out the word cancer, tears almost dropped off my eyes.. at that point i knew i am almost breaking down.. it was a brief conversation before i continue to take my walk. Somehow i just thought that i can find a way out .. and there was this little voice in me that tells me everything will turn out fine.

"Childhood sweetheart "
(eileen and i do not exactly grow up together, but it felt the same way to me)

That day passed fast, what followed was a drastic operation to remove 90% of colon that kept me 2 days in ICU and 7 days in hospital. it was scary.. painful.. unforgettable... nonetheless for an operation like that i think i almost make history by getting out of hospital that fast.

I was almost in coma in the first two days, yet the deepest memory i have over the two days was how i stretched out for eileen's hand after i am out of the operation theatre, and how her faintest voices accompany me through out my unconsious period. I thought her voices was the one that kept me alive for the two days in ICU, in an exagerated fashion la, not like i was literally dying but it was critical anyway.
As a couple then, we had our issues that were hard to resolve, but that experience closed up all the gap. I was so looking forward to plan for futures together then after i recovered. But life is never smooth sailing, early 2005 she decided to further her studies in london and of cos to 'escape' her problems at home. Very soon, the relationship had come to a road block, and could not continue, we cried, hugged and part our path for a life of our own in different land. It was a happy ending, and she remains a closed friend since then.So much back ground of how this company of mine is found. :)

Fresh Start

After almost 8 years, a path on my own was tough and lonely. I was still in the Air force, and half way through my degree, i was my own cheer leader through out. I told myself dozens of time then that life has yet to begin, i need to pull it through!The whole journey that period was easily forgettable, nothing exciting happended.. it was quite a mistake i think, because i was so eager to get over it, i forgot the importance of the journey.. which is what matters most. it's regretable that i can't really recall much fond memories in the walk on my own, i could have done much better.. enjoy the days better, loving life more.

Early Warning

Fast forward to end 2005, it was probably already a bad sign when the routine check up showed my CEA was rising. It was devastating, yet the non conclusive find outs by my doctor quickly brushed the matter under the floor matt.

I moved on and continue to search for the life i want, the lingering fear at the same time drove me away from God. I thought i was never that close anyway. i was getting tired of all the bad news and experiences since i came to know God. I was blaming Him subconsciously in everything. All the teachings were indeed good, but when God isn't making a difference, i thought it's time to lead a life on my own without all the invisible bindings... and so i did..even though again there's this little voice inside me keep bugging me... i could not figure out what it is then, and naturally the voiced was drowned off by me.

New beginning

That year in late 2005, i joined Hsbc, met new friends, i felt released and relieved.. and most of all happy, or was i? The new chapter in life was all good, everything seems good and beautiful. I love my new job and was doing exceptionally well, the colleagues and working environment were all too good to be true, and i was fit and healthy. Everything was going so well that lead me to write on my wall that "life has just begin, sky is the limit". Yet there's still the very small voice in me that's seeking to fill the forgotten void and emptiness...

2nd Spring

Then Nerissa came into the picture in early 06, we started to date, and dispite all the differences and oppositions from fellow colleagues, we got together anyway. I knew there were reasons why friends in the office were so against the idea of her and i becoming an item, there were lots of stories and gossips. And what initially was once a fairy tale working environment, no thanks to all the gossips that had poisoned every good things i initiallly adored, and soon enough i witnessed all the divides and politics that followed till today.

oh well, i should have known it when i first joined.. so i decided to drift away from the office politics and of course to stay out of trouble. It became so evident that the office is just another worldly place, people there just don't get it, the apparent favourite past time is gossips and more gossips. And because i was doing well, naturally i became a topic as well. it was a shame, more so a disappoitment to me.

And then the little voice in me once again pop up to encourage myself, and also trying to tell me more.. but i still could not get what it was trying to say. Well affected maybe, but i moved on and continued to do what is right and proper at work, and when i made the conscious choice of ignoring the negative stuffs, i was happy again and also thankful that i've got a gf to share my life then.

Relationship

It wasn't the happiest relationship one can get or hope for, we were always quarelling and at odds with one another. And just when we were turning the corner in the relationship after touring europe in december 06, i got another shock in jan 07.. cancer is back and this time it was much worse than the previous time. I choosed to opt for chemo and radiation treatment subsequently, the side effects of the treatment threatened to burn my brain and the uncontrollable loss of fluids had me hospitalised for 3 weeks.

At the same time, all of the troubles at the same time was taking it's toll on the realtionship. For all her capacity, i knew she had been doing her best to cope. But i knew she wasn't coping well, i can almost empathise with her, she was just unlucky to be my gf.. i wasn't bitter, just feeling sorry for her.. so in the end we broke up in late 07... but our story did not end there... some twist and turns with dramatic episodes in between, she told me i am the one for her, and i was grateful for her support plus i did saw the genuine love she had for me...

Unfortunately the got back together turn out to be really short lived; many incidents, events and differences, we had finally decided to part our ways before her birthday. But strange thing happened, i found myself buying a really beautiful watch from Omega for her. I can't really explain why, cos i'll never splurge something like that on myself; but my friend A said it is love, i guess so, else why would i do it?

There were no confrontations and quarrels, i remembered i said staying apart from each other will be good, and i am going to use a year or so to have my life back on track.. i said i want to take a spiritual journey that's been calling for so long.

The final episode

To be fair, given her capacity, she had probably done what she could for me, and i'll never take that away from her. Crisis in life will either bond or divide people, in this i suppose the later is the case. It was possibly wrong season for her or me or both. i don't think i am happy about it in this issue,i can't deny the disappointments, but it is so much easier to just let it go than harping on the differences. most importantly, i am happy it has finally come to a good ending or sorts, and that we are still great friends or sorts, as if there's a possibility we'll ever get back together after 1 year, i mean who knows right? only time will tell, but looking at all the photos we've taken together for the past two years, i actually hope so...

Updates

Last month's appointment did not turn out too well, CEA went up a point instead. Phew .. what can i said..just when i thought i am on track to defeAt this demon, another set back? i dont think so, andi think i know what went wrong.

I have increased the xeloda intake by one in the morning... namely chemo pill, it is also a poison that weakens my immune... but so far the past few weeks have been good. i am defitely getting better, i can smell it..

The little voice

Through this blog, i have mentioned the little voice a few times. and it has voiced out everytime when i am in need, in trouble, making mistakes and at a loss.

However i wish to ignore it, it is alway there. I guess i have one thousand reasons not to believe there's a God;
My experiences and set backs can easily made me even bitter towards Him, especially since the day i walked into church in sec 4, there are like endless troubles that keep coming to me one after another.Yet the little voice in me keep leading me back to God.

And i am going to receive a miracle in 5 days.

Pray with me all my angels.

sleepless night

Yesterday was actually a good day of rest, had a good workout although it took me like alost 1 hour to find a parking lot.
The morning's live web cast on service had a strong impact on me; i was reminded of how far i have come to since last year. Be it work, relationship or health, nothing was exactly going my way. I am forced to eat my humble pie, to realise my own limitation, and to let go and let God, all in all, from jan 07 to almost coming to an end of 08, this whole journey looked really tough yet transforming, maybe, just maybe, years down the road i might look back and see this as a transition period that tototally change my life for good.
Then night time, i was looking thru the photos that i took at various places from tokyo to niagra fall and santorini. From all the pictures, i can only see happy faces and loving friends, it somehow overshadows all the troubles that i have. so i am thinking i am actually having a good yearthan lots of people out there, ironic maybe, but it definitely appears so.. to me as well of cos.
Finally the night ended with a telephone conversation that probably led to a sleepless night; I felt let down, and disappointment set in naturally. It would be millions times better if i am just told another conversation is in place... well i did not want to spoil the fun, n happily ignore it.
Truth never hurt, why???? i guess its old habit dies hard ba. So i twist and turn, the different kind of emotions had me sleepless till like 4am.. man it was torturing.. it is just me.. i feel stupid and silly.
Thankfully i have managed to push my appt today to a later time, and i have 5 days to prepare for a miracle, it is going to be really really important, i cannot be distracted.

known and unknown

Mr Donald Rumsfeld said this.

'As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know.

'We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know.

'But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know.'

Change!

Thank God Obama won the race to be the next president of America.

All credits to Mr John McCain, at 72, he definitely puts a lot of us to shame in many ways. But i guess it is just not meant to be, this world dosn't need a war hero now, we need a reformist.

Although far away from SG, the whole campaign have captured the attention world wide. I was following the news this whole morning when i was in the gym doing workout, scenes of people overwhelmed with emotions when news that Abama won was clearly captured by the camera man.

One black elderly was seen tearing with joy. Yet from the very brief moment, i could almost see his pain and joy at the same time through his eyes. Racism is still a problem everywhere in the world, but now we have a black man who is going to be the most powerful man in this planet, it clearly signals a new era, a victory for all man kind. From the very beginning, skin color should never matter, we are all born equal, all wonderful creation of God.

Today is a day that's worth remembering, together we will embrace a better world for all people, it is time for change, time to eradicate racism.