2 months is exactly how long i have been on a this 'complete' regiment with chemo pills.
i am feeling a bit nervous .. just a bit.
Tomorrow's blood test and friday's consultation with my doctor to come will be really crucial, and blood test, CEA indicator must come down!!!!
Last two weeks i have to admit that i have not been at the peak of conditioning my body, but things are improving, i am happier, of cos nerissa is the chief architect of building it. :)
anyway, i suspect i had probably injured myself within, i saw blood stains in the urine. This is actually quite normal, since i have two stems in the kidney still, any strain will cause it to bleed.. but probaly also because the test date is so near, seeing blood is making myself uneasy... just a bit!
Lately i have been keeping a prayer constantly in mind, i'll pray: Lord Lord, this life is yours, this body is also yours, help me to help myself. Build me up, build me strong, bless me with good health to live long. :)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
headache...
Recent activities have probably taken a strains to my nerve.
although i have to admit, some are really self invited.. so there are probably no one to blame ba.
I remembered long ago, whenever i am troubled i would always turn to an old friend who is really thousands of miles away, and i guess that the long distance has somehow reduced my emotional dependence. But but that is not to say that i am all alone, i still have many... and really if you are reading this and often receive a call from me when i am lamenting about life, this friend love you a lot! haha ...
i am getting a bit of headache these two days.. some legal issues has surfaced and getting some friends unnecessarily involved, the balancing act of getting the case move on smoothly without affecting the relationship is proving harder than it is.
I was really appaled when the accused's gf were unnecesarily getting my friends in the office implicated in it, without even considered putting their interest in her mind... i guess her love has blinded her, at the expense of the many of her mentors and friends. Is it an act of love? or an act of selfishness? or a conflict of interest? In anyway, her meeting with me to established her stand simply illustrated how stupid she and the accused are. i mean i would thought seeking to talk to me with urgency today, should be seeking some form of solution, instead of trying to show me how tough they are and how selfish they are ready to implicate my friends in the office.. ridiculous...
i think i have probably done my best in making sure the least damage is done.
and i am releasing myself from all of it, office 'politic' is not my cup of tea, only friends that i care about!
although i have to admit, some are really self invited.. so there are probably no one to blame ba.
I remembered long ago, whenever i am troubled i would always turn to an old friend who is really thousands of miles away, and i guess that the long distance has somehow reduced my emotional dependence. But but that is not to say that i am all alone, i still have many... and really if you are reading this and often receive a call from me when i am lamenting about life, this friend love you a lot! haha ...
i am getting a bit of headache these two days.. some legal issues has surfaced and getting some friends unnecessarily involved, the balancing act of getting the case move on smoothly without affecting the relationship is proving harder than it is.
I was really appaled when the accused's gf were unnecesarily getting my friends in the office implicated in it, without even considered putting their interest in her mind... i guess her love has blinded her, at the expense of the many of her mentors and friends. Is it an act of love? or an act of selfishness? or a conflict of interest? In anyway, her meeting with me to established her stand simply illustrated how stupid she and the accused are. i mean i would thought seeking to talk to me with urgency today, should be seeking some form of solution, instead of trying to show me how tough they are and how selfish they are ready to implicate my friends in the office.. ridiculous...
i think i have probably done my best in making sure the least damage is done.
and i am releasing myself from all of it, office 'politic' is not my cup of tea, only friends that i care about!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Finally the last missing piece
Today i have received a call from my Tcm professor, who is my doctor, and now well i guss we talk so much more that i can call him a friend already, the only pity is that i still gotta pay for all the consultation fees.. haha just joking!! rightfully so la, just like how i am paid when i do financial planning for all my friends.
Professor Huang is actually very well known to many people, and he is the first among the many tradiional chinese medicine doctors i have seen who really understands what i was saying.
A little introduction here: Professor Huang is also made in china just like me! haha.. but he's much more capable of course. He was trained to be a doctor in china, and that also means before he chose to specialise in TCM, he had to learn both trades in western medicine and TCM. So that explains why he is a much better grade above the rest of the TCM community here.
So anyway back to the call he made, over the phone he just informed me that he managed to slash the price of a machine from a local distributor for me. From around non bargainable $7k, i am gonna get it at $6200. Seriously even by my standard, it is really costly.. and i really appreciate him for saving the few hundreds for me.. like i said, when things are tight, every dollars counts.
My very expensive medical regime has one more bulk item to the list.. and i would say this will be the final piece, the missing piece to get the remaining job done, get rid of the CA cells by the roots. With it, the list will include the western medicines, the Tcm, the natural therapy, the comprehensive range of suppliments..and the machine will offer the advantage of high electric, magnetic, heat and infrared energy sources to influence the body energy balance.
Things have been improving bit by bit, although it is still quite unstable, any sway of external or internal 'peace' would easily upset the progress, with the machine i believe it is gonna 'round' things up nicely. And don;t worry, it is proven science i am buying, one that's tested and approved to be effective in improving body wellness, just that in my case, add up with all that i have been doing, it will become the lethal weapon carrying out the final 'assault' on the stubborn CA cells.
I am going to win this!
Professor Huang is actually very well known to many people, and he is the first among the many tradiional chinese medicine doctors i have seen who really understands what i was saying.
A little introduction here: Professor Huang is also made in china just like me! haha.. but he's much more capable of course. He was trained to be a doctor in china, and that also means before he chose to specialise in TCM, he had to learn both trades in western medicine and TCM. So that explains why he is a much better grade above the rest of the TCM community here.
So anyway back to the call he made, over the phone he just informed me that he managed to slash the price of a machine from a local distributor for me. From around non bargainable $7k, i am gonna get it at $6200. Seriously even by my standard, it is really costly.. and i really appreciate him for saving the few hundreds for me.. like i said, when things are tight, every dollars counts.
My very expensive medical regime has one more bulk item to the list.. and i would say this will be the final piece, the missing piece to get the remaining job done, get rid of the CA cells by the roots. With it, the list will include the western medicines, the Tcm, the natural therapy, the comprehensive range of suppliments..and the machine will offer the advantage of high electric, magnetic, heat and infrared energy sources to influence the body energy balance.
Things have been improving bit by bit, although it is still quite unstable, any sway of external or internal 'peace' would easily upset the progress, with the machine i believe it is gonna 'round' things up nicely. And don;t worry, it is proven science i am buying, one that's tested and approved to be effective in improving body wellness, just that in my case, add up with all that i have been doing, it will become the lethal weapon carrying out the final 'assault' on the stubborn CA cells.
I am going to win this!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Couch..TV.. Olympic
It's sunday again, there were lots of excitement before the game of table tennis final between singapore and china. Literally every singaporean that i know were talking about it, and of course all of us were hoping that Team singapore can create surprise by beating China.
In the end, China won the gold, but the sparring for the whole one and half hour really captured the whole nations heart and soul.. i think.. at least that happened to my family members.
It's really quite amazing, even my father who is hardly a sports fan, not least to table tennis, could come up many comments and theories. Interesting is if you know about my family background, we are all made in china!!! I supposed from all the cheering of supports to Team singapore, i would say after 2 decades plus, we have all become the true blue singaporeans. Everyone one of us! And rightfully so, this family of mine has bear fruits by adding 4 new members through my three siblings, my 4 nephews and niece; the eldest of the four is the not so 'cute' pretty Adoncia from my brother, the singing dancing joel and four month old Jovia from Dajie, and the roundest cutest Bryan whom i face everyday.
Man U game is playing behind me, and i am getting really distracted.
I have probably spend the whole day at home after church. What should be an eventful day, in the end, my lack of mood lead me to cancel my meet ups with my friends one by one from the afternoon... and i realise how hard it was to move myself once i sunk onto the Sofa, somehow i just refused to get up, i guess it was also a reflection of my inner being; down, deflated and just need to 'rest'..
Man U is calling me... back to Couch.. today i belong to the couch, TV and Olympic, i mean man u.. :P
In the end, China won the gold, but the sparring for the whole one and half hour really captured the whole nations heart and soul.. i think.. at least that happened to my family members.
It's really quite amazing, even my father who is hardly a sports fan, not least to table tennis, could come up many comments and theories. Interesting is if you know about my family background, we are all made in china!!! I supposed from all the cheering of supports to Team singapore, i would say after 2 decades plus, we have all become the true blue singaporeans. Everyone one of us! And rightfully so, this family of mine has bear fruits by adding 4 new members through my three siblings, my 4 nephews and niece; the eldest of the four is the not so 'cute' pretty Adoncia from my brother, the singing dancing joel and four month old Jovia from Dajie, and the roundest cutest Bryan whom i face everyday.
Man U game is playing behind me, and i am getting really distracted.
I have probably spend the whole day at home after church. What should be an eventful day, in the end, my lack of mood lead me to cancel my meet ups with my friends one by one from the afternoon... and i realise how hard it was to move myself once i sunk onto the Sofa, somehow i just refused to get up, i guess it was also a reflection of my inner being; down, deflated and just need to 'rest'..
Man U is calling me... back to Couch.. today i belong to the couch, TV and Olympic, i mean man u.. :P
Friday, August 15, 2008
Trapped
Life is never smooth sailing... i mean who doesn't know it?
Went back to office today, the air in there was stale and can possibly suck away all my energy? or it is probably just because i am feeling down?
My temporary secretarial helper informed that once again she was asked to stopped from doing any of my work... My immediate response was disbelief, and that immediately turned into an embarrassment, and naturally followed with disappointment that i was not even informed first instead..
By right, i should be also taking revision for a financial paper now, but the notes were taken away from the owner yesterday, so even though i was confident enough to have it passed on the first time, but without the notes, i guess turning up for the exam tomorrow morning will be in vain.
By default, both the notes and the temp help were both not mine in the first place, it is only right when it was taken away. But i am still in total disbeliefs and in total disappointment...
Out of nothing, a simplest unhappiness can just throw away everything, never mind of the the consequences??? in Spiderman, we know that with greater power comes greater responsibilty; but in this scenarios, is it wise to place any importants into his hands???
The struggles between the head and heart is driving me to severe headaches again...
I remembered in the mist of my disappointments yesterday, i was still trying to make sure the plans which are not my business went on smoothly; it was out of love, and out of obligation. After the final piece falls into the jigsaw puzzle, it will be time to take a long leave to focus on my recovery, i must! and should!!!
It will not be fair to say that no one cares, my family and closed friends and angels are always here for me, but i need to put aside the distractions that are making me unwell and unhappy, i need to be responsible to God, my family and definitely myself.
well, tomrrow will be a better day. gotta rest and see my TCM professor in the morning to come.
Went back to office today, the air in there was stale and can possibly suck away all my energy? or it is probably just because i am feeling down?
My temporary secretarial helper informed that once again she was asked to stopped from doing any of my work... My immediate response was disbelief, and that immediately turned into an embarrassment, and naturally followed with disappointment that i was not even informed first instead..
By right, i should be also taking revision for a financial paper now, but the notes were taken away from the owner yesterday, so even though i was confident enough to have it passed on the first time, but without the notes, i guess turning up for the exam tomorrow morning will be in vain.
By default, both the notes and the temp help were both not mine in the first place, it is only right when it was taken away. But i am still in total disbeliefs and in total disappointment...
Out of nothing, a simplest unhappiness can just throw away everything, never mind of the the consequences??? in Spiderman, we know that with greater power comes greater responsibilty; but in this scenarios, is it wise to place any importants into his hands???
The struggles between the head and heart is driving me to severe headaches again...
I remembered in the mist of my disappointments yesterday, i was still trying to make sure the plans which are not my business went on smoothly; it was out of love, and out of obligation. After the final piece falls into the jigsaw puzzle, it will be time to take a long leave to focus on my recovery, i must! and should!!!
It will not be fair to say that no one cares, my family and closed friends and angels are always here for me, but i need to put aside the distractions that are making me unwell and unhappy, i need to be responsible to God, my family and definitely myself.
well, tomrrow will be a better day. gotta rest and see my TCM professor in the morning to come.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
hello world ..
hello hello...
It's been a really hollow day, it seems everything has come to a stop, i can't hear anything, see anything..so deadly quiet that i can't help but to say hello to myself.
Where do i begin?
how should it end?
or should it be started right from the beginning?
could it be put to rest now?
I was bombarded with screams and abusive words, questioning my attitude?
i found it really ironic, how do we get someone to talk, when we are screaming?
A muted response invited even more screams and shouts and this also equate to bad attitude??
sigh.. what a tragic...
and then a very angry middle finger was thown at me before the whole episode ended!!!
unthinkable... it was done with so much hatred and anguish, after all the good works that i've done?
incredible!
I have no idea how would anyone react in a situation like this?
If this is just betw friends, then probably that would be the end of the friendship?
What if it's someone close like a famly member??
On top of all the screams, some unimaginable words of sorts was blurred out... and it keep lingering at my ears ..
My heart sunk, so low that it has left a void...
How this might play out is really a tireding issue, i dread of it...
can this day be a nightmare i can wake up from?
But now i can only feel my heart has sink so deep and far.....
It's been a really hollow day, it seems everything has come to a stop, i can't hear anything, see anything..so deadly quiet that i can't help but to say hello to myself.
Where do i begin?
how should it end?
or should it be started right from the beginning?
could it be put to rest now?
I was bombarded with screams and abusive words, questioning my attitude?
i found it really ironic, how do we get someone to talk, when we are screaming?
A muted response invited even more screams and shouts and this also equate to bad attitude??
sigh.. what a tragic...
and then a very angry middle finger was thown at me before the whole episode ended!!!
unthinkable... it was done with so much hatred and anguish, after all the good works that i've done?
incredible!
I have no idea how would anyone react in a situation like this?
If this is just betw friends, then probably that would be the end of the friendship?
What if it's someone close like a famly member??
On top of all the screams, some unimaginable words of sorts was blurred out... and it keep lingering at my ears ..
My heart sunk, so low that it has left a void...
How this might play out is really a tireding issue, i dread of it...
can this day be a nightmare i can wake up from?
But now i can only feel my heart has sink so deep and far.....
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Truth never hurt
I always know that nothing beats the truth; and all the years of character moulding at home and from church taught me great deals of being earnest and honest...
Last night an incident happended, i tried to brush it aside on the first instant on the rationale that it will invite nothing but silly questions and maybe a little unhappiness? Just like the chinese saying of paper can never hold the fire, or something more familiar that i learn from the bible that no stone will left unturned. My little efforts of concealing something that's really nothing got exposed, and matter of fact is i was so concious of what it could brings and thus spoiling a good day, i have not a good look at the whole 'thing' myself. It is really such a bad joke i had pulled on myself, till now i am still feeling sore of my own stupidity!
Why did i forget!!??
Very often i witnessed people making mistakes by saying a few white lies to have an easier way out, but very soon found theyselves telling more of it and thus creating cracks and hurts between their relationships with people.
Life's motto should always be a transparent sheet, have a clear concience, thus we will all have a happier self, family and friends.
Last night's incident is a reminder, a sign, that no matter what happens, i shall never take the easier way out. if i need to explain, i will explain, if i need to pause the feel good factors, so be it, i'll have it paused. brushing things aside does not not help, saying a white lie is even worse and out of character, when incidents happen i should and will take up the responsibilties to have it sort out. This is clearly a reminder and indication to stay close to God's straight and narrow path, for without all His teachings and wisdom, i am nothing but like the ash.
So this is it, thankfully for the gentler reminder. i have peace within once again; and with God's help, last night's small hipcupp is going to be the only one off event. :)
cheers! anyone? :)
Last night an incident happended, i tried to brush it aside on the first instant on the rationale that it will invite nothing but silly questions and maybe a little unhappiness? Just like the chinese saying of paper can never hold the fire, or something more familiar that i learn from the bible that no stone will left unturned. My little efforts of concealing something that's really nothing got exposed, and matter of fact is i was so concious of what it could brings and thus spoiling a good day, i have not a good look at the whole 'thing' myself. It is really such a bad joke i had pulled on myself, till now i am still feeling sore of my own stupidity!
Why did i forget!!??
Very often i witnessed people making mistakes by saying a few white lies to have an easier way out, but very soon found theyselves telling more of it and thus creating cracks and hurts between their relationships with people.
Life's motto should always be a transparent sheet, have a clear concience, thus we will all have a happier self, family and friends.
Last night's incident is a reminder, a sign, that no matter what happens, i shall never take the easier way out. if i need to explain, i will explain, if i need to pause the feel good factors, so be it, i'll have it paused. brushing things aside does not not help, saying a white lie is even worse and out of character, when incidents happen i should and will take up the responsibilties to have it sort out. This is clearly a reminder and indication to stay close to God's straight and narrow path, for without all His teachings and wisdom, i am nothing but like the ash.
So this is it, thankfully for the gentler reminder. i have peace within once again; and with God's help, last night's small hipcupp is going to be the only one off event. :)
cheers! anyone? :)
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