My Life Pte Ltd

Today i spend quite a while looking at photos i took from the last 5 years. it really brought back lots memories!!

CEO

In early 2005, i've decided to set up a company in my own name called "My Life Pte Ltd". Natually i am the CEO.. has to be right? I had even made 2 boxes of name cards for myself when i was in bangkok that year.It was just one of the many false starts for the last 5 years?Why did i say false start? instead of fresh start?

The Beginning

Back then i was still fresh from a major shock in life in 2004 when i was first diagnosed to have colon cancer... I was in shock when the doctor revealed it to me and my family. Cancer is a term that i had never imagined that i will ever have the need to understand.. least to experience it on myself. Maybe it was just me, i did not cry or go into panic.. especially the rest of my family were in a devastating state. I did not want them to worry more. i went into silence. Reassured them i'll be fine and went for a walk on my own.

i didn't call eileen, gf since i was in secondary 4, I was a little disappointed that she could not be with me there and then, but it was i whom reassured her that i would be ok anyway.. I fell into self dependant mode, and maybe even more so of a protectitive mode, i just don't want people that i love to worry about me.

As i walked.. i called Heng, who has always been my best pal.. he was playing with alicia at sentosa when i called... I didn't know what to say.. but when i blur out the word cancer, tears almost dropped off my eyes.. at that point i knew i am almost breaking down.. it was a brief conversation before i continue to take my walk. Somehow i just thought that i can find a way out .. and there was this little voice in me that tells me everything will turn out fine.

"Childhood sweetheart "
(eileen and i do not exactly grow up together, but it felt the same way to me)

That day passed fast, what followed was a drastic operation to remove 90% of colon that kept me 2 days in ICU and 7 days in hospital. it was scary.. painful.. unforgettable... nonetheless for an operation like that i think i almost make history by getting out of hospital that fast.

I was almost in coma in the first two days, yet the deepest memory i have over the two days was how i stretched out for eileen's hand after i am out of the operation theatre, and how her faintest voices accompany me through out my unconsious period. I thought her voices was the one that kept me alive for the two days in ICU, in an exagerated fashion la, not like i was literally dying but it was critical anyway.
As a couple then, we had our issues that were hard to resolve, but that experience closed up all the gap. I was so looking forward to plan for futures together then after i recovered. But life is never smooth sailing, early 2005 she decided to further her studies in london and of cos to 'escape' her problems at home. Very soon, the relationship had come to a road block, and could not continue, we cried, hugged and part our path for a life of our own in different land. It was a happy ending, and she remains a closed friend since then.So much back ground of how this company of mine is found. :)

Fresh Start

After almost 8 years, a path on my own was tough and lonely. I was still in the Air force, and half way through my degree, i was my own cheer leader through out. I told myself dozens of time then that life has yet to begin, i need to pull it through!The whole journey that period was easily forgettable, nothing exciting happended.. it was quite a mistake i think, because i was so eager to get over it, i forgot the importance of the journey.. which is what matters most. it's regretable that i can't really recall much fond memories in the walk on my own, i could have done much better.. enjoy the days better, loving life more.

Early Warning

Fast forward to end 2005, it was probably already a bad sign when the routine check up showed my CEA was rising. It was devastating, yet the non conclusive find outs by my doctor quickly brushed the matter under the floor matt.

I moved on and continue to search for the life i want, the lingering fear at the same time drove me away from God. I thought i was never that close anyway. i was getting tired of all the bad news and experiences since i came to know God. I was blaming Him subconsciously in everything. All the teachings were indeed good, but when God isn't making a difference, i thought it's time to lead a life on my own without all the invisible bindings... and so i did..even though again there's this little voice inside me keep bugging me... i could not figure out what it is then, and naturally the voiced was drowned off by me.

New beginning

That year in late 2005, i joined Hsbc, met new friends, i felt released and relieved.. and most of all happy, or was i? The new chapter in life was all good, everything seems good and beautiful. I love my new job and was doing exceptionally well, the colleagues and working environment were all too good to be true, and i was fit and healthy. Everything was going so well that lead me to write on my wall that "life has just begin, sky is the limit". Yet there's still the very small voice in me that's seeking to fill the forgotten void and emptiness...

2nd Spring

Then Nerissa came into the picture in early 06, we started to date, and dispite all the differences and oppositions from fellow colleagues, we got together anyway. I knew there were reasons why friends in the office were so against the idea of her and i becoming an item, there were lots of stories and gossips. And what initially was once a fairy tale working environment, no thanks to all the gossips that had poisoned every good things i initiallly adored, and soon enough i witnessed all the divides and politics that followed till today.

oh well, i should have known it when i first joined.. so i decided to drift away from the office politics and of course to stay out of trouble. It became so evident that the office is just another worldly place, people there just don't get it, the apparent favourite past time is gossips and more gossips. And because i was doing well, naturally i became a topic as well. it was a shame, more so a disappoitment to me.

And then the little voice in me once again pop up to encourage myself, and also trying to tell me more.. but i still could not get what it was trying to say. Well affected maybe, but i moved on and continued to do what is right and proper at work, and when i made the conscious choice of ignoring the negative stuffs, i was happy again and also thankful that i've got a gf to share my life then.

Relationship

It wasn't the happiest relationship one can get or hope for, we were always quarelling and at odds with one another. And just when we were turning the corner in the relationship after touring europe in december 06, i got another shock in jan 07.. cancer is back and this time it was much worse than the previous time. I choosed to opt for chemo and radiation treatment subsequently, the side effects of the treatment threatened to burn my brain and the uncontrollable loss of fluids had me hospitalised for 3 weeks.

At the same time, all of the troubles at the same time was taking it's toll on the realtionship. For all her capacity, i knew she had been doing her best to cope. But i knew she wasn't coping well, i can almost empathise with her, she was just unlucky to be my gf.. i wasn't bitter, just feeling sorry for her.. so in the end we broke up in late 07... but our story did not end there... some twist and turns with dramatic episodes in between, she told me i am the one for her, and i was grateful for her support plus i did saw the genuine love she had for me...

Unfortunately the got back together turn out to be really short lived; many incidents, events and differences, we had finally decided to part our ways before her birthday. But strange thing happened, i found myself buying a really beautiful watch from Omega for her. I can't really explain why, cos i'll never splurge something like that on myself; but my friend A said it is love, i guess so, else why would i do it?

There were no confrontations and quarrels, i remembered i said staying apart from each other will be good, and i am going to use a year or so to have my life back on track.. i said i want to take a spiritual journey that's been calling for so long.

The final episode

To be fair, given her capacity, she had probably done what she could for me, and i'll never take that away from her. Crisis in life will either bond or divide people, in this i suppose the later is the case. It was possibly wrong season for her or me or both. i don't think i am happy about it in this issue,i can't deny the disappointments, but it is so much easier to just let it go than harping on the differences. most importantly, i am happy it has finally come to a good ending or sorts, and that we are still great friends or sorts, as if there's a possibility we'll ever get back together after 1 year, i mean who knows right? only time will tell, but looking at all the photos we've taken together for the past two years, i actually hope so...

Updates

Last month's appointment did not turn out too well, CEA went up a point instead. Phew .. what can i said..just when i thought i am on track to defeAt this demon, another set back? i dont think so, andi think i know what went wrong.

I have increased the xeloda intake by one in the morning... namely chemo pill, it is also a poison that weakens my immune... but so far the past few weeks have been good. i am defitely getting better, i can smell it..

The little voice

Through this blog, i have mentioned the little voice a few times. and it has voiced out everytime when i am in need, in trouble, making mistakes and at a loss.

However i wish to ignore it, it is alway there. I guess i have one thousand reasons not to believe there's a God;
My experiences and set backs can easily made me even bitter towards Him, especially since the day i walked into church in sec 4, there are like endless troubles that keep coming to me one after another.Yet the little voice in me keep leading me back to God.

And i am going to receive a miracle in 5 days.

Pray with me all my angels.