New age sensitive guy

Yes, i am one! maybe sometimes overly sensitive?!?

While most if the time i claim that i am a logical person, my emotions always give me away! SO i figure out that i am only selectively logical, meaning logical to somethings, emotional to many others?
Well actually i am rationale most of the time, am i not?

Maybe i can isolate the hearts issues are those that dominates my thoughts and eventual behaviors, so that makes me the left brain person (or is it right?) haha... Then of course, any other things, i can be extremely logical and rationale! make sense?

The past 10 years had brought lots of changes within me, my perspective towards relationship had evolved from 'cave man era to 22nd century.. ok i am exaggerating..
The more accurate way of saying should be i get more careful with people, the girls i meant!! Some major lessons, such as never let go V.S letting go, beware of the office ladies, they are dangerous once you are romantically linked ; and etc etc ...
i gotta do a disclaimer, this is not referring to anyone! it is purely fictional! If you buy it?! ha..

What i am probably saying here is, as we grow older, the margin for mistakes just got thinner, things got much more complicated when we are held responsible not just for ourselves but also the people around us. While it is inevitable that responsibilities will pile on our shoulders as we grow older, to see it as liability or a drag on the feet from moving forward, again is down to choices! Truth is, sometimes in order to move ahead, we have to unload someone or something, to put it plainly, in a interconnected society, it is just not possible not to have that ripple effect whenever the stone is thrown!

I guess i am not sure what i am driving at too! i have found myself in a certain predicament that go beyond my wildest imagination, and it had already happened for like 2 year plus long, something that i have been avoiding and refused to acknowledge till very recent days. Like a typical Gemini, i am bipolar! i am glad that i am coming to terms with it, yet at the same time i found myself behaving oddly in a totally unfamiliar ground, like i said it is beyond my wildest imaginations... As for the outcome? Man...the slightest thought of it and my heart probably go beating the fastest rate in my 30 years history...

The last image of myself i thought is still the cool, indifferent guy that has the whole world at the finger tips... this is definitely unbecoming of myself!!! But as the heart beats, my composure and confidence are exposed and left spinning all over again...

To conclude, i am new age? sure! sensitive? absolutely; but i am also happy, nervous, a little confused, excited and forward looking!

I am a chicken!

I had to admit, i am a chicken lately. There is something i need to do and i am not doing it! i am scared! petrified! Its abnormal for me to behave the way i behave... just 4 more days, i need to prepare myself and get this over, i am determined not to bring the baggage over.

Where shall i begin? how shall i start?
one thing that is certain, i had probably bottom things up for too long, the little secrets of mine is release to quite a few people already, the fact is i am not a keeper of my own secrets, and to keep it for 2 year long, that is really something isn't it!

The emotions involved is totally new and unfamiliar, it had probably caught me unprepared and off guard. Life so very often throws up surprise that we can be so overwhelmed! I shared with Eileen yesterday, and she said that my life is always so drama, what to do??!!! ah huh.. that sure doesn't help a lot! Like i always like to emphasize, i am just a simple man seeking simple things in life, why so complicated?? Arggh,....

Of course life is also about choices! While i can choose to be chicken for a while, i can be brave the next moment, just that bravery needs some trigger point!?!
Time is running against me, i have yet to find that, and so like what a friend had said, i can be one hell of a chicken and just do it! i don't know, it is a little far too complicated than just do it... but if it's really chicken from the hell, it wouldnt care so much isn't it?

D-day could be any time soon... Be chicken in red under pants, or just simply be a hero?

Revelation..

My resolution for the new year is to enter the 2010 with a light and free spirit...
I had a little release yesterday, i leaked out all those that's buried deep within me when i was ask about by a dear couple after perhaps a glass of wine. I am not good at bottoming things up, i guess given any chance, i would always ready to pour all out...

Quite a number of friends did not turn up yesterday for the xmas party and gift exchange, but those who come really make it quite a ball! There is this unspeakable joy and happiness in the atmosphere, i thought it was only a little space away to get the people to dance with the music playing at the back ground... It is almost a perfect Christmas if only that special someone was there to sway me away with the christmas melody...

Unlike the previous years, my friends really almost finish all my bottles!!! haha.. and it lasted until this morning 9am... there was no chance to rest or sleep for me, two of my mates down and out on my bed, one was totally goner n most of the time she stays in the toilet, the couch was naturally filled up too. In the end, WH and i spent the whole 'morning' talking about my secrets n help to keep each other awake, until the rest can get up and go home..

Phew, i had totally enjoyed the night, just one thing, i missed the Xmas service! Thankful my God is gracious. :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Solitude?

Once in a while it is good!

Today, i did everything on my own, shopping for xmas presents, lunch and dinner all on my own. It feels all good and normal, until i was there at Terminal one waiting at the arrival hall for my mum, solitude can only go so far i thought, and the drizzling rain sure does not help the mood...

Wish i can reach the sky, touch the star, hold on to the angel's hands, even the shortest moment can make me the happiest man for tonight...

Solitude? no thanks ...

Wild (WOW) Thoughts

10 more days, and it will be a whole decade altogether, there are many reasons that i should be thankful of, but maybe man are inherently easily discontented. From struggling to take my first step after the op, and now almost fully back to full fitness, my mind is constantly on a run...

There is an unexplained uneasiness, it is almost like take two steps forward, and has to quickly take one back... Time is the key, i know i am overly anxious, i know i should control my restlessness, but emotions so very often takes the lead in my daily life and thoughts, there is just this uncontrollable impulsion of wanting to do more; and i kept giving myself excuses that it is because i just wanted to do more while i can, when i can. Well, i find it laughable myself sometimes, but this is me, absolutely complicated, and easily simple minded! Does it make any sense? i guess not.. never mind ..

I have a little secret..

Maybe it is an open secret? i wanna retire early... maybe it is all the things that i had gone through, the realisation of greater meaning in life, my thoughts kept drift into a life of simple married man.

i need to make a resolution, there are many baggage that cannot be brought forward to the new year, i am lacking a little courage and will power to make progress in unloading them... just 10 more days...what am i doing?!

Argh... sometimes leaving everything to status quo is the easiest, n possibly most harmless, yet it might just be the only window of opportunities to the life that i always want; but taking the step might also jeopardize or changed what is already good enough... it is a dead end?!? oh well... definitely unsolvable tonight...

maybe tomorrow will bring some light to the tunnel of my thoughts?

Passion

What is your passion in life?

What is the thing that you do that gives you the most sense of fulfilling?

Today Lk came to the hospital in the morning and accompany for the antibiotic treatment and the CT Scan that followed, it is such a blessing to have a friend like him really. We talked through out the day, from the most trivial things in life, to serious topics like relationships. Maybe it is the God factor in him, i realize this man has grown in size in both understanding and wisdom; This definitely add on to my belief that God makes the difference.

The topic of passions in life keep lingers in my thoughts, i thought maybe it is the direction that i should be exploring of what to do next. Well it is a good start, better than being clueless all the time.

So my passion? what is it really? I am passionate about my job, getting people to plan their finances etc can set me talking for days. But i need more than this job to make a bigger difference.. i want to make a difference, maybe this is my passion?!

The Pursuit of Happiness

Coming to the end of 2009, the pursuit of happiness has been constantly on my mind when i am at the same time recuperating from the operation. The physical changes are indeed irreversible, but my thoughts, perspective and life maybe is at the cross road for major changes, for good that is for sure. By how, or what means, i am still just as clueless as the time when i was still a boy.

It is week 4 now since i am discharged, i have probably skipped a few steps in getting back the strength, somehow maybe God just put me on a fast track of recovery. my weight is almost back to pre-op level, and i guess a few more weeks i might be able go to my ideal weight of say 68kg or 70kg? It is not that important la, i am more anxious about what really that i can do to live an even more meaningful life.

To get some clues, lately i am doing a lot of people watching, or people observation activities. I looked into my closest friend's life, or even the strangers on the street, i pondered about life all the time. It is very easy to forget the meaning of life when we are always busy in and out of the weekly routines, and in a place like singapore, it is even harder to take a breather, and maybe for the first time i did question myself, if this is the place i will dwell and live my dreams, the place that i will find 'happiness'. Then again to uproot me from here will take more than courage or wild dreams, i am too emotionally attached to many dear friends here.

We are essentially the same kind of creature, the ultimate aim in life is to search for that specially someone or something to fill the void or the puzzle of happiness; of course, everyone has different definition on this, and naturally different means and ways of achieving their goals. There are are no right or wrong ways i think, it is purely the difference of perspective, what matter most to me is always how we walk through the journey, and during that walk, the foot prints that were left behind has it encouraged or discouraged people. Maybe it is too far fetched to think that we can change the world, but it is never too hard to make a little difference one person at a time. And i am fortunate enough say that i have quite a number of them in my on going journey now.

I guess what i am saying here today is no matter what are our dreams, goals, and how we are living, we should never forget our innocence of pure joy and happiness. And i am finding back mine now!

Awakening

I see trees of green
Red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
and I think to myself What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, And Clouds of white
The bright blessed day,
And the dark sacred night
and I think to myself What a wonderful world.

Ok the above was exactly how i felt last week... it was simply wonderful.

But today it is not exactly a wonderful day, i scratched my car at the SGH car park in the morning! The trouble of sending it for respraying is really quite a pain!

Come Friday, it will be 3 weeks since i am discharged home, although the antibiotic treatments will have to continue for another 3 weeks at SGH, i am seriously getting very restless.

Coincidentally, and fortunately my best pal is clearing her leaves too, so the last week have been really fun, to the extend that i was totally carried away. Unconsciously, we drifted into lots of semi-retirement life style topics, we talked about life, real and simple love stories. I thought we had traveled through time, visiting all the beautiful places. I dreamed of the night that is full of stars at in the city of Lucerne, Switzerland, the blue and white roofs at Santorini, Greece. and perhaps maybe some Mayday concert in the Island where Grandfather called home... I cannot remembered when was the last time that i have been so carefree and happy.. It was like a beautiful dream, in a totally different world from where i am now.

Like a well twisted drama, the short fairy tale was awakened to realize we are not alone, someone we both cared n loved is infiltrating back to his 'rightful' position;
Like a bubble, my fantasy slowly evaporated.
i might have have linger a little too long? Or that i might have tried to help too much? And got sucked into a never intended Bermuda Triangle. After much deliberation, and one last good talk in the afternoon, i have marked my own end of involvements, it is becoming a bit too heavy for me.

The short yet carefree life someday i hope i can revisit it all over again, but now is almost time to wake up. With the renewed energy, i need to get the groove going, i have to find things to do!!!!!!!!

I guess also that visions and dreams don't just come to you by just sitting and waiting for it to drop from somewhere, because it is just not happening!

So, i will just keep walking, as the days unfold, i am sure i will find the way.
But why is yesterday's blues still here?!give me some greens, some yellow, or some purple? or pink? give me a rainbow perhaps?! Pls?
:|

blues..

Today is one of the rare blue day. I woke up feeling blue, came home from the hospital feeling blue, and still blue after my afternoon nap.. and it just doesn't get better into the day.. it is one big blue blue day.

And in such a blue day, somehow i will just get melancholy about life, love and happiness. It is a huge topic, and i am no expert in them all.

Life comes in all forms, while some are struggling with basic needs, city dweller like me has the luxury of lamenting about it AGAIN; it is ironic, on one hand i am thankful for who i am and what i have, on the other hand, i just wished to have a simpler form of life.. it is complicated, and the blues sure not helping it.

Love? At one moment, i can tell a friend to go for it, to stop procrastinating and take actions, i said sure maybe someone better are out there, but if it is me, i were never hesitate, for i know only i can love the girl the way i love, and make her the happiest person in the planet... Sounds like some scripts right?
Then the next moment i would say if you really love the girl, you can't be selfish, you gotta let her go, for loving someone is not about owning her, it is to make sure she is happy even without you. nuts isn't it?!!? So now we know, comes to love issues, never come to me for advise, i will only confuse you! i am confused myself too.

Happiness? maybe it is Good Life + Love = happiness?
I think happiness it's to have no worries about the next meal and the next next of cos, have someone u truly loves and she is really happy! have two beautiful little angels and stays in a really cozy flat. Grow old and watch the children grow up and have their own families, still holding on to your partners wrinkled hands, take the slow stroll along the park, stop by the bench underneath the palm trees, watch the sun set ... how nice right?

If i can i will write and live in my own fairy tale and never wake up from it!!!!
that is not possible of cos. Darn!

and my blues are not going away!!! looks like it's gonna sleep with me tonight...