Today is my best pal's birthday, and coincidentally its also a month now since the operation was done. I am slowly getting back my feet to the ground, the antibiotic treatment won't be over until next sat, so November is officially over for me, and all i hope now its for the infection to get out of the way, before i can start getting focus on the new lease of living.
My dear friend mentioned that she was the one always calling me to ask about me, and she was so right; i am lousy when it comes to talk about my problems.In fact, i never like to talk about problems, for i know talking about it just won't solve anything, it'll probably made me feel worse, maybe, maybe not? But of cos, when its all bottomed up and gonna over-flow, i'll still have this dear friend to whine about life.
So ok, The operation is a huge success according to my doctors, it is a huge relieved to the dear people around me. I am thankful! very thankful! I have to credit all these to God, without His grace and mercy, all will not be possible.
One month is gone, i am getting back my strength back bit by bit, and at the same time, i have to cope with the whole new life, everything is different, the real challenge is not the op, is after the op! I have to admit that many many times i have doubts if i can really live on with the changes! The limitations and inconveniences are going to follow me the rest of my life! can i really handle it?
Well actually it's a dummy question, i mean can i handle it?!? do i have a choice? Of all people, i should be the last person to have a second thought about all these right? Sometimes i wish that i can think and feel the logical but without emotions way, yet can a man made of flesh able to behave in such 'perfect' mode?
In anyway, i am just venting my frustrations here, i know as time go by, i will slowly get use to this, i will made the best out of this, i know and i know.!!!
But now just let me whine... let me be weak for a while, allow me to complain; and dun get me talk about my problems, it is a taboo now, cos this is not something anyone can help, i alone has to overcome the psychological barrier. It is gonna take sometime, but rest assured, i wont waste too much time on it too, time is simply too precious.
Oh.. no, i am not gonna be a one man island or a hermit yet, taking time off from the problems is just a mental break for me. i cant imagine being alone for even a second! It kills me when i think i am gonna be a lonely old man! hahahahahah..
This morning sun is exceptionally refreshing, and the breeze is cooling, the morning drive from the hospital is enjoyable.. i like my car! :)
And to my best pal, the perfect woman in my opinion, happy birthday to you! I am sure all the goods things are gonna come your way!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
21st Oct 2009
I guess I will never forget this date!
At 0600H, I was woken up by the nurses for their routine checks on all patients. It's 2 hours away from the operation. To say i had no fears would be a bluff, yet at the same time i had been waiting for the moment to come for almost 4 weeks of agonizing delays. I knew the odds were simply too low, my life very highly could just end there and then. But i thought myself again and again, i had tried my best, exhausted all my abilities and will for the last 3 years, there was really nothing left in me except to leave everything to God. And i thought, if it were to end then, i had no regrets either, I am no perfect men, but i have lived an honorable life; i might not have experience everything in life, but it's enough or so i thought.
At 0630H, one by one, my whole family arrived, my parents, dajie, er jie, my brother and two brother-in-laws. Moments after, Ling kai and charlie's family, chen wei, daphne and Edwin, Julia and Chee wee all arrived at the ward as well. It's a weds morning, all of them took leave to give me their supports! to be honest, i needed it badly, and just so glad that they are all there.
At 0700H, time to change for the op. Thank God ling kai was there, being a man of God, he was a constant calm and peace to my over anxious family.
At 0730H, Of all things, i did not leave a will! Sub-consciously i just did not want to sabotage myself the already low odds. But What if it happened!? unfortunately i had to leave this burden to my dearest Tan when i knew she wasn't having the best time of her life too. she could hardly hold back her tears when i told her my last instructions; it sure hurts to see your best pal cry, all i wished for her is that she'll be happy always.
At 0800H, I was ready to go in, and then all of the sudden, emotions started to break out, first is mum, then follow by my father and sisters, one by one, they started crying, i could hardly hold back mine, i had to reassure them that i was gonna be ok, yet seeing them with all tears, my tears went out of control too. It felt like life and death separation kind of scene, i thought this only happened in the dramas?
At 0810H, not sure abt the time anymore, but the moment i am in the ops room, all was all too familiar, just this time i know the op is gonna take the whole day. I recited palms 23 and quickly i was unconscious... no dreams.. nothing..
At 1700H, the very first moment i regained my consciousness, the pain was excruciating! But i needed an answer, i needed to know if the op is a success, that the tumor is all removed, that i can live again!!! Drifting in and out of consciousness, finally i was pushed out where the 14 dear people are all waiting for me, Dajie did not failed me, she was quick to tell me the op is a success! when i heard that, i channel all my strength to my right arm and lifted my fist towards the 14 dear people. Yes, i made it! And then i was back to unconsciousness again. Phew...
I heard from Ling Kai and Tan subsequently, on how they all waited outside of the ops room from the moment i was in till i was out again, how they rushed to the door whenever its opened and to realize it was not me... every time when i imagine the very scene, it always drive me to tears. I am a very lucky man, a very lucky lucky man! I have strong family support, loving mum and sisters, incredible brother in Christ and my ever green charlies' angels and partner. I have all the best things in life, I am blessed! God is Good!
At 0600H, I was woken up by the nurses for their routine checks on all patients. It's 2 hours away from the operation. To say i had no fears would be a bluff, yet at the same time i had been waiting for the moment to come for almost 4 weeks of agonizing delays. I knew the odds were simply too low, my life very highly could just end there and then. But i thought myself again and again, i had tried my best, exhausted all my abilities and will for the last 3 years, there was really nothing left in me except to leave everything to God. And i thought, if it were to end then, i had no regrets either, I am no perfect men, but i have lived an honorable life; i might not have experience everything in life, but it's enough or so i thought.
At 0630H, one by one, my whole family arrived, my parents, dajie, er jie, my brother and two brother-in-laws. Moments after, Ling kai and charlie's family, chen wei, daphne and Edwin, Julia and Chee wee all arrived at the ward as well. It's a weds morning, all of them took leave to give me their supports! to be honest, i needed it badly, and just so glad that they are all there.
At 0700H, time to change for the op. Thank God ling kai was there, being a man of God, he was a constant calm and peace to my over anxious family.
At 0730H, Of all things, i did not leave a will! Sub-consciously i just did not want to sabotage myself the already low odds. But What if it happened!? unfortunately i had to leave this burden to my dearest Tan when i knew she wasn't having the best time of her life too. she could hardly hold back her tears when i told her my last instructions; it sure hurts to see your best pal cry, all i wished for her is that she'll be happy always.
At 0800H, I was ready to go in, and then all of the sudden, emotions started to break out, first is mum, then follow by my father and sisters, one by one, they started crying, i could hardly hold back mine, i had to reassure them that i was gonna be ok, yet seeing them with all tears, my tears went out of control too. It felt like life and death separation kind of scene, i thought this only happened in the dramas?
At 0810H, not sure abt the time anymore, but the moment i am in the ops room, all was all too familiar, just this time i know the op is gonna take the whole day. I recited palms 23 and quickly i was unconscious... no dreams.. nothing..
At 1700H, the very first moment i regained my consciousness, the pain was excruciating! But i needed an answer, i needed to know if the op is a success, that the tumor is all removed, that i can live again!!! Drifting in and out of consciousness, finally i was pushed out where the 14 dear people are all waiting for me, Dajie did not failed me, she was quick to tell me the op is a success! when i heard that, i channel all my strength to my right arm and lifted my fist towards the 14 dear people. Yes, i made it! And then i was back to unconsciousness again. Phew...
I heard from Ling Kai and Tan subsequently, on how they all waited outside of the ops room from the moment i was in till i was out again, how they rushed to the door whenever its opened and to realize it was not me... every time when i imagine the very scene, it always drive me to tears. I am a very lucky man, a very lucky lucky man! I have strong family support, loving mum and sisters, incredible brother in Christ and my ever green charlies' angels and partner. I have all the best things in life, I am blessed! God is Good!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
... ...
I dun have a title for this. In fact i don't even know where to begin...
It's bad news...
After almost 3 years, i am back to ground zero. Tumor is still there, cancer indicator is still inclining upwards. I have no choice but to confront the reality, death, painful death is imminent unless i were to turn to the last option of drastic operation which was proposed since day one.
To be really honest, when cancer relapsed back then, I was so resolute against the operation, it was better to be dead than were to live with the post-op consequences i thought! But time flies, with a physical body so badly restricted by the cancer and it's treatments, i had accomplished nothing. I am literally trapped. I need more time...
Night time lately is especially torturous, i can't sleep well, so bad, i am almost getting suicidal. It's getting physically and mentally challenging. I need a way out, death was more than once an option thru the many sleepless nights. But i have so many things yet to accomplish, the work i always said i wanna do to make a difference, and my family, and the angel i promised to love and guard for the rest of my life. I am only 30, i can't let it end here. i need a way out, i cant simply allow the light of my life slowly diminished into the darkness.
The new stents are not working well according to the blood test.Something is very wrong, i am waiting anxiously for coming thurs to come so that i can get a far more clear picture of what is going on. But more or less, i am 90% certain, the drastic operation i rejected all these time is the only way our for me, if i want to live! There are still many concerns about the complications of the operation i need to talk it out with the surgeons on thurs, the mortality risk of the op is also relative high even though they had reassured me many times that younger person like me have high chance of pulling through. Coupled with many other potential side effects of the op, life after that will not be normal anymore. But with so many things yet to accomplish, my mind is set, i need to do all it takes to stay alive.
It is really strange, i was fearless of death, i was prepared to perish with this cancer 2 years back. I am not getting the miracle, God did not heal me like i hope He would, i have possibly exhausted all possible treatments, orthodox or unorthodox means, or mixing the western and chinese medicines, or add on the different kind of fringe medicines that gave so much promises. But all failed! 2 years and 9 months of trying, not only i had exhausted all my brilliant ideas, and also my hope and resolves for the miracle that is yet to come. Being suicidal is only a moment of weakness, i know i won't, it's cowardice. Then again, the risk of the op can be fatal too, am i brave? Or that i was just giving up trying on my own resolves? I am exhausted to the brink of breaking down, i am really tired of all these, when will this be ever over?!
Exhaustion, add on frustration and confusion this is probably my state of mind now.
Dap said something that also echoed a little voice in me yesterday, that maybe everything is a process, 2 years and 9 months ago i was not prepared to walk that path, but maybe this period was just to prepare me for that. Maybe she is right, God in all His mercy and Grace knows that i wont be able to take it then, He had preserved me for 2 years and 9 months, and now it is time for me to walk that path? To stay alive, this is the only option. Maybe just maybe, life after op is the miracle that is awaiting me?
It's bad news...
After almost 3 years, i am back to ground zero. Tumor is still there, cancer indicator is still inclining upwards. I have no choice but to confront the reality, death, painful death is imminent unless i were to turn to the last option of drastic operation which was proposed since day one.
To be really honest, when cancer relapsed back then, I was so resolute against the operation, it was better to be dead than were to live with the post-op consequences i thought! But time flies, with a physical body so badly restricted by the cancer and it's treatments, i had accomplished nothing. I am literally trapped. I need more time...
Night time lately is especially torturous, i can't sleep well, so bad, i am almost getting suicidal. It's getting physically and mentally challenging. I need a way out, death was more than once an option thru the many sleepless nights. But i have so many things yet to accomplish, the work i always said i wanna do to make a difference, and my family, and the angel i promised to love and guard for the rest of my life. I am only 30, i can't let it end here. i need a way out, i cant simply allow the light of my life slowly diminished into the darkness.
The new stents are not working well according to the blood test.Something is very wrong, i am waiting anxiously for coming thurs to come so that i can get a far more clear picture of what is going on. But more or less, i am 90% certain, the drastic operation i rejected all these time is the only way our for me, if i want to live! There are still many concerns about the complications of the operation i need to talk it out with the surgeons on thurs, the mortality risk of the op is also relative high even though they had reassured me many times that younger person like me have high chance of pulling through. Coupled with many other potential side effects of the op, life after that will not be normal anymore. But with so many things yet to accomplish, my mind is set, i need to do all it takes to stay alive.
It is really strange, i was fearless of death, i was prepared to perish with this cancer 2 years back. I am not getting the miracle, God did not heal me like i hope He would, i have possibly exhausted all possible treatments, orthodox or unorthodox means, or mixing the western and chinese medicines, or add on the different kind of fringe medicines that gave so much promises. But all failed! 2 years and 9 months of trying, not only i had exhausted all my brilliant ideas, and also my hope and resolves for the miracle that is yet to come. Being suicidal is only a moment of weakness, i know i won't, it's cowardice. Then again, the risk of the op can be fatal too, am i brave? Or that i was just giving up trying on my own resolves? I am exhausted to the brink of breaking down, i am really tired of all these, when will this be ever over?!
Exhaustion, add on frustration and confusion this is probably my state of mind now.
Dap said something that also echoed a little voice in me yesterday, that maybe everything is a process, 2 years and 9 months ago i was not prepared to walk that path, but maybe this period was just to prepare me for that. Maybe she is right, God in all His mercy and Grace knows that i wont be able to take it then, He had preserved me for 2 years and 9 months, and now it is time for me to walk that path? To stay alive, this is the only option. Maybe just maybe, life after op is the miracle that is awaiting me?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Why So Serious
Quoting from the Joker ( the late Heath Ledger) from movie The Dark Knight.
" Why So serious?"
....
..
.
It is coming to the end of 4 weeks since the operation, and i am still not back to my normal routine. The bleeding and pain though has subsided but still a constant discomfort i have to face daily. I was too naive to think that i can be back so soon when i was first discharged. An rare display how i can also be a simpleton. I was simply silly la.
Staying home for so long almost suffocated me, i was becoming irritable and frustrated. Walking from one point of the house to another point of the house, the four walls was quickly turning into a 'cage' and i am the wounded bird thats so trapped inside. I think i almost gone insane really.
I figured i can never be 100% before i come out again, since thurs i started to come out a bit more. Whether is visiting the office or out to window shop, all of it keep me sane. And i am so thankful that i stepped out of the 'cage', the fresh air outside always rejuvenate my spirit.
Last night especially, Heng, Tan and I were at east coast park for dinner and followed by chilling at the live band cafe beside. The food was good, but the company was simply fantastic. I am always so thankful for them.
The hour plus at the cafe in east coast brought back many memories. We chit chatted away about our younger days; how we used to have BBQ, watched sun rise and sun sets and of cos also the meteorites watching.
I guessed i also had almost forgotten ECP was my favorite hang out place, i had so much fun with Eileen and my cutest smartest Spice. This part of memories was locked up at a corner of my brain until yesterday.
Looking back, I am two years senior to my peers, with exposure to older friends outside, i remembered i was totally fun loving and mischievous even. But somehow as i get older, i got more serious with myself, so bad that it is like all 'work' and no play makes L.S a boring man. My friend tut in recent years always gave me that. There is no doubt that i definitely like myself, goal driven, self dependent these are all my strength, aren't there???
A voice was clearly spoke to me when i was there sitting and enjoying the music, it said " WHY SO SERIOUS?"
This 3 words keep popping up in my head the whole time last night there.
Recent years i am just too uptight with myself, yes i am. And it become a stumbling block between me and God.
I thought i clearly heard Him last night. " i have given u freedom and liberty, walk in my light and also have fun, WHY SO SERIOUS?"
It is good to know what i want, but if i am so caught up with my own ideas, principles or even dreams, how can God walk in? God is a symbol of Love, peace, and hope and many more, but i've forgotten He is also freedom and liberty. People in the world will abuse freedom and liberty on one hand, but on the other i should not have forgotten the gifts and use it in a good way.
After so many years of being a Christian, i admit i am a slow learner.,,,
But its ok, WHY SO SERIOUS, just let go and Let GOD.
" Why So serious?"
....
..
.
It is coming to the end of 4 weeks since the operation, and i am still not back to my normal routine. The bleeding and pain though has subsided but still a constant discomfort i have to face daily. I was too naive to think that i can be back so soon when i was first discharged. An rare display how i can also be a simpleton. I was simply silly la.
Staying home for so long almost suffocated me, i was becoming irritable and frustrated. Walking from one point of the house to another point of the house, the four walls was quickly turning into a 'cage' and i am the wounded bird thats so trapped inside. I think i almost gone insane really.
I figured i can never be 100% before i come out again, since thurs i started to come out a bit more. Whether is visiting the office or out to window shop, all of it keep me sane. And i am so thankful that i stepped out of the 'cage', the fresh air outside always rejuvenate my spirit.
Last night especially, Heng, Tan and I were at east coast park for dinner and followed by chilling at the live band cafe beside. The food was good, but the company was simply fantastic. I am always so thankful for them.
The hour plus at the cafe in east coast brought back many memories. We chit chatted away about our younger days; how we used to have BBQ, watched sun rise and sun sets and of cos also the meteorites watching.
I guessed i also had almost forgotten ECP was my favorite hang out place, i had so much fun with Eileen and my cutest smartest Spice. This part of memories was locked up at a corner of my brain until yesterday.
Looking back, I am two years senior to my peers, with exposure to older friends outside, i remembered i was totally fun loving and mischievous even. But somehow as i get older, i got more serious with myself, so bad that it is like all 'work' and no play makes L.S a boring man. My friend tut in recent years always gave me that. There is no doubt that i definitely like myself, goal driven, self dependent these are all my strength, aren't there???
A voice was clearly spoke to me when i was there sitting and enjoying the music, it said " WHY SO SERIOUS?"
This 3 words keep popping up in my head the whole time last night there.
Recent years i am just too uptight with myself, yes i am. And it become a stumbling block between me and God.
I thought i clearly heard Him last night. " i have given u freedom and liberty, walk in my light and also have fun, WHY SO SERIOUS?"
It is good to know what i want, but if i am so caught up with my own ideas, principles or even dreams, how can God walk in? God is a symbol of Love, peace, and hope and many more, but i've forgotten He is also freedom and liberty. People in the world will abuse freedom and liberty on one hand, but on the other i should not have forgotten the gifts and use it in a good way.
After so many years of being a Christian, i admit i am a slow learner.,,,
But its ok, WHY SO SERIOUS, just let go and Let GOD.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Post Op
I am really thankful the procedure on Monday went on smoothly, it was nonetheless a really painful experience.
The night stay in the Ward was totally unbearable. Some good friends and charlies' girls were again there to cheer me up. When all were gone, i was left alone. The bed was warm, ventilation was bad, i could hardly move becos of the tubes and the pain from the operation. Every hour was excruciatingly hard to bear. The ipod that i brought along was the only distraction i could have, of cos i also tried to read the bible. The night crawled by, one minute after another, one hour after another hour, It was the longest night ever.
I had anticipated that actually, and usually my mum will stay behind to keep me company through the night, but my recent years of bad health had also put a toll on hers. Whenever i see her wrinkled face and full of graying hairs, it just remind me of my helplessness over my dependence on her. At her age, she should be comfortable and without worries anymore... These thoughts are a constant burden to my mind lately, despite the extreme pain, and the the expected long horror night, i put up a strong front and asked mum to go back with the rest.
Fast forward to now, however long the night was on monday, i was totally relieved to come back home on tues, the internal bleedings and pain are slowly fading away.
I slipped out to watch Jack Neo's horror comedy, it was a cheap flick, an opportunistic film to catch the hungry festival mood, but coming out of home and watch with a dear friend was the real joy really.
I might have over strained though, the bleeding and pain escalated after i came back, thankfully it was only temporal. A few more day of good rest, i think i will be able to go back for a small swim... Tues? i am positive!
The night stay in the Ward was totally unbearable. Some good friends and charlies' girls were again there to cheer me up. When all were gone, i was left alone. The bed was warm, ventilation was bad, i could hardly move becos of the tubes and the pain from the operation. Every hour was excruciatingly hard to bear. The ipod that i brought along was the only distraction i could have, of cos i also tried to read the bible. The night crawled by, one minute after another, one hour after another hour, It was the longest night ever.
I had anticipated that actually, and usually my mum will stay behind to keep me company through the night, but my recent years of bad health had also put a toll on hers. Whenever i see her wrinkled face and full of graying hairs, it just remind me of my helplessness over my dependence on her. At her age, she should be comfortable and without worries anymore... These thoughts are a constant burden to my mind lately, despite the extreme pain, and the the expected long horror night, i put up a strong front and asked mum to go back with the rest.
Fast forward to now, however long the night was on monday, i was totally relieved to come back home on tues, the internal bleedings and pain are slowly fading away.
I slipped out to watch Jack Neo's horror comedy, it was a cheap flick, an opportunistic film to catch the hungry festival mood, but coming out of home and watch with a dear friend was the real joy really.
I might have over strained though, the bleeding and pain escalated after i came back, thankfully it was only temporal. A few more day of good rest, i think i will be able to go back for a small swim... Tues? i am positive!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Op is on tomorrow,
After much delayed, the operation to change the stents will be on tomorrow morning.
I am going in out of hospital too many times of my liking, needless to say about the pain associated with it, thinking of all these, shrinks my guts, and make me really anxious and uncomfortable. i guess this will be over too, i just need to keep my faith, i know i should.
Hais, so based on the admission brief, i will be a warded for two days, and i hope i can be back home the latest on weds.
Some dear frens who have always been around will be coming to keep me company is prob the only consolation going into the hospital. Can't believe if there is any patient who dislikes visitors right? I mean the hospital is a really sad and boring place, with visitors, even the air is dead still. ok i am digressing, even though the situation is tough, but i have many people to thanks to make it so much easier. Apart from my family, Lk and cg guys to count on prayers, charlies' angels for company, and of cos the many other dear frens. In the midst of all the misfortunes, i am blessed, ain't I?
It's been a month of time off, i am slowly grasping what's awaiting for me, though not exciting, but definitely worth living for. All goes well after the op, God willing, it'll be time for me to finally start on what might just be the reason why i am still here!?!
I am going in out of hospital too many times of my liking, needless to say about the pain associated with it, thinking of all these, shrinks my guts, and make me really anxious and uncomfortable. i guess this will be over too, i just need to keep my faith, i know i should.
Hais, so based on the admission brief, i will be a warded for two days, and i hope i can be back home the latest on weds.
Some dear frens who have always been around will be coming to keep me company is prob the only consolation going into the hospital. Can't believe if there is any patient who dislikes visitors right? I mean the hospital is a really sad and boring place, with visitors, even the air is dead still. ok i am digressing, even though the situation is tough, but i have many people to thanks to make it so much easier. Apart from my family, Lk and cg guys to count on prayers, charlies' angels for company, and of cos the many other dear frens. In the midst of all the misfortunes, i am blessed, ain't I?
It's been a month of time off, i am slowly grasping what's awaiting for me, though not exciting, but definitely worth living for. All goes well after the op, God willing, it'll be time for me to finally start on what might just be the reason why i am still here!?!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Mental breaks
I have many ways to do self therapy, to swing myself back to the mood of happiness. It works me well, until recent months. I have the strong urge to have something different; to be less constraint, to loosen up of sorts.
Well, and i did, i bought a new car, a convertible, to fulfill one of those things that i always want. I have been always careful, cautious to be exact even though i appear otherwise, and contrary to what many of my friends thought, i happened to be really down to earth. Buying the car took me very long to make the call, finances and practicalities, in the end, on the irony, it is the uncertainties ahead that push me to "Just Do It". ( I am never quite a car person, well, a convertible is every boy's ideal ride isn't it?)
And i have another break from my routine self, i almost stopped work for a while now, attending only those important appointments and meetings. It was a little uncomfortable for a while, having a unproductive week usually would have put me in red alert, not to mention one whole month? The fear of losing the 'mojo' at work still pinch me quite a bit, i can never go to the office without looking at the production board. sigh... hahah.. at times like this i find myself really really really complicatedly and beautifully made.
I am not sure when i can be back to myself again, but with the operation on 3rd Aug coming, including the recuperation period, i guess this break is gonna take another month. To be honest, idling is not necessarily a bad thing for me, considering the fact that i am actually fighting to stay alive now, a total break from my routine should be healthy. In a ideal world, of course it is!!! Problem is i am living in an imperfect one. :(@#%#%@#%&#$^$@!#@%
I have certain peace in my current change of routine, somehow i am also searching for a greater purpose and calling, i thought there must be also another way to leave my foot prints.
Repeating swimming, gym, yoga this week again, i have to be in the best shape for my op, and the rest can wait i guess.
Well, and i did, i bought a new car, a convertible, to fulfill one of those things that i always want. I have been always careful, cautious to be exact even though i appear otherwise, and contrary to what many of my friends thought, i happened to be really down to earth. Buying the car took me very long to make the call, finances and practicalities, in the end, on the irony, it is the uncertainties ahead that push me to "Just Do It". ( I am never quite a car person, well, a convertible is every boy's ideal ride isn't it?)
And i have another break from my routine self, i almost stopped work for a while now, attending only those important appointments and meetings. It was a little uncomfortable for a while, having a unproductive week usually would have put me in red alert, not to mention one whole month? The fear of losing the 'mojo' at work still pinch me quite a bit, i can never go to the office without looking at the production board. sigh... hahah.. at times like this i find myself really really really complicatedly and beautifully made.
I am not sure when i can be back to myself again, but with the operation on 3rd Aug coming, including the recuperation period, i guess this break is gonna take another month. To be honest, idling is not necessarily a bad thing for me, considering the fact that i am actually fighting to stay alive now, a total break from my routine should be healthy. In a ideal world, of course it is!!! Problem is i am living in an imperfect one. :(@#%#%@#%&#$^$@!#@%
I have certain peace in my current change of routine, somehow i am also searching for a greater purpose and calling, i thought there must be also another way to leave my foot prints.
Repeating swimming, gym, yoga this week again, i have to be in the best shape for my op, and the rest can wait i guess.
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