Yes, i am one! maybe sometimes overly sensitive?!?
While most if the time i claim that i am a logical person, my emotions always give me away! SO i figure out that i am only selectively logical, meaning logical to somethings, emotional to many others?
Well actually i am rationale most of the time, am i not?
Maybe i can isolate the hearts issues are those that dominates my thoughts and eventual behaviors, so that makes me the left brain person (or is it right?) haha... Then of course, any other things, i can be extremely logical and rationale! make sense?
The past 10 years had brought lots of changes within me, my perspective towards relationship had evolved from 'cave man era to 22nd century.. ok i am exaggerating..
The more accurate way of saying should be i get more careful with people, the girls i meant!! Some major lessons, such as never let go V.S letting go, beware of the office ladies, they are dangerous once you are romantically linked ; and etc etc ...
i gotta do a disclaimer, this is not referring to anyone! it is purely fictional! If you buy it?! ha..
What i am probably saying here is, as we grow older, the margin for mistakes just got thinner, things got much more complicated when we are held responsible not just for ourselves but also the people around us. While it is inevitable that responsibilities will pile on our shoulders as we grow older, to see it as liability or a drag on the feet from moving forward, again is down to choices! Truth is, sometimes in order to move ahead, we have to unload someone or something, to put it plainly, in a interconnected society, it is just not possible not to have that ripple effect whenever the stone is thrown!
I guess i am not sure what i am driving at too! i have found myself in a certain predicament that go beyond my wildest imagination, and it had already happened for like 2 year plus long, something that i have been avoiding and refused to acknowledge till very recent days. Like a typical Gemini, i am bipolar! i am glad that i am coming to terms with it, yet at the same time i found myself behaving oddly in a totally unfamiliar ground, like i said it is beyond my wildest imaginations... As for the outcome? Man...the slightest thought of it and my heart probably go beating the fastest rate in my 30 years history...
The last image of myself i thought is still the cool, indifferent guy that has the whole world at the finger tips... this is definitely unbecoming of myself!!! But as the heart beats, my composure and confidence are exposed and left spinning all over again...
To conclude, i am new age? sure! sensitive? absolutely; but i am also happy, nervous, a little confused, excited and forward looking!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I am a chicken!
I had to admit, i am a chicken lately. There is something i need to do and i am not doing it! i am scared! petrified! Its abnormal for me to behave the way i behave... just 4 more days, i need to prepare myself and get this over, i am determined not to bring the baggage over.
Where shall i begin? how shall i start?
one thing that is certain, i had probably bottom things up for too long, the little secrets of mine is release to quite a few people already, the fact is i am not a keeper of my own secrets, and to keep it for 2 year long, that is really something isn't it!
The emotions involved is totally new and unfamiliar, it had probably caught me unprepared and off guard. Life so very often throws up surprise that we can be so overwhelmed! I shared with Eileen yesterday, and she said that my life is always so drama, what to do??!!! ah huh.. that sure doesn't help a lot! Like i always like to emphasize, i am just a simple man seeking simple things in life, why so complicated?? Arggh,....
Of course life is also about choices! While i can choose to be chicken for a while, i can be brave the next moment, just that bravery needs some trigger point!?!
Time is running against me, i have yet to find that, and so like what a friend had said, i can be one hell of a chicken and just do it! i don't know, it is a little far too complicated than just do it... but if it's really chicken from the hell, it wouldnt care so much isn't it?
D-day could be any time soon... Be chicken in red under pants, or just simply be a hero?
Where shall i begin? how shall i start?
one thing that is certain, i had probably bottom things up for too long, the little secrets of mine is release to quite a few people already, the fact is i am not a keeper of my own secrets, and to keep it for 2 year long, that is really something isn't it!
The emotions involved is totally new and unfamiliar, it had probably caught me unprepared and off guard. Life so very often throws up surprise that we can be so overwhelmed! I shared with Eileen yesterday, and she said that my life is always so drama, what to do??!!! ah huh.. that sure doesn't help a lot! Like i always like to emphasize, i am just a simple man seeking simple things in life, why so complicated?? Arggh,....
Of course life is also about choices! While i can choose to be chicken for a while, i can be brave the next moment, just that bravery needs some trigger point!?!
Time is running against me, i have yet to find that, and so like what a friend had said, i can be one hell of a chicken and just do it! i don't know, it is a little far too complicated than just do it... but if it's really chicken from the hell, it wouldnt care so much isn't it?
D-day could be any time soon... Be chicken in red under pants, or just simply be a hero?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Revelation..
My resolution for the new year is to enter the 2010 with a light and free spirit...
I had a little release yesterday, i leaked out all those that's buried deep within me when i was ask about by a dear couple after perhaps a glass of wine. I am not good at bottoming things up, i guess given any chance, i would always ready to pour all out...
Quite a number of friends did not turn up yesterday for the xmas party and gift exchange, but those who come really make it quite a ball! There is this unspeakable joy and happiness in the atmosphere, i thought it was only a little space away to get the people to dance with the music playing at the back ground... It is almost a perfect Christmas if only that special someone was there to sway me away with the christmas melody...
Unlike the previous years, my friends really almost finish all my bottles!!! haha.. and it lasted until this morning 9am... there was no chance to rest or sleep for me, two of my mates down and out on my bed, one was totally goner n most of the time she stays in the toilet, the couch was naturally filled up too. In the end, WH and i spent the whole 'morning' talking about my secrets n help to keep each other awake, until the rest can get up and go home..
Phew, i had totally enjoyed the night, just one thing, i missed the Xmas service! Thankful my God is gracious. :)
I had a little release yesterday, i leaked out all those that's buried deep within me when i was ask about by a dear couple after perhaps a glass of wine. I am not good at bottoming things up, i guess given any chance, i would always ready to pour all out...
Quite a number of friends did not turn up yesterday for the xmas party and gift exchange, but those who come really make it quite a ball! There is this unspeakable joy and happiness in the atmosphere, i thought it was only a little space away to get the people to dance with the music playing at the back ground... It is almost a perfect Christmas if only that special someone was there to sway me away with the christmas melody...
Unlike the previous years, my friends really almost finish all my bottles!!! haha.. and it lasted until this morning 9am... there was no chance to rest or sleep for me, two of my mates down and out on my bed, one was totally goner n most of the time she stays in the toilet, the couch was naturally filled up too. In the end, WH and i spent the whole 'morning' talking about my secrets n help to keep each other awake, until the rest can get up and go home..
Phew, i had totally enjoyed the night, just one thing, i missed the Xmas service! Thankful my God is gracious. :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Solitude?
Once in a while it is good!
Today, i did everything on my own, shopping for xmas presents, lunch and dinner all on my own. It feels all good and normal, until i was there at Terminal one waiting at the arrival hall for my mum, solitude can only go so far i thought, and the drizzling rain sure does not help the mood...
Wish i can reach the sky, touch the star, hold on to the angel's hands, even the shortest moment can make me the happiest man for tonight...
Solitude? no thanks ...
Today, i did everything on my own, shopping for xmas presents, lunch and dinner all on my own. It feels all good and normal, until i was there at Terminal one waiting at the arrival hall for my mum, solitude can only go so far i thought, and the drizzling rain sure does not help the mood...
Wish i can reach the sky, touch the star, hold on to the angel's hands, even the shortest moment can make me the happiest man for tonight...
Solitude? no thanks ...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wild (WOW) Thoughts
10 more days, and it will be a whole decade altogether, there are many reasons that i should be thankful of, but maybe man are inherently easily discontented. From struggling to take my first step after the op, and now almost fully back to full fitness, my mind is constantly on a run...
There is an unexplained uneasiness, it is almost like take two steps forward, and has to quickly take one back... Time is the key, i know i am overly anxious, i know i should control my restlessness, but emotions so very often takes the lead in my daily life and thoughts, there is just this uncontrollable impulsion of wanting to do more; and i kept giving myself excuses that it is because i just wanted to do more while i can, when i can. Well, i find it laughable myself sometimes, but this is me, absolutely complicated, and easily simple minded! Does it make any sense? i guess not.. never mind ..
I have a little secret..
Maybe it is an open secret? i wanna retire early... maybe it is all the things that i had gone through, the realisation of greater meaning in life, my thoughts kept drift into a life of simple married man.
i need to make a resolution, there are many baggage that cannot be brought forward to the new year, i am lacking a little courage and will power to make progress in unloading them... just 10 more days...what am i doing?!
Argh... sometimes leaving everything to status quo is the easiest, n possibly most harmless, yet it might just be the only window of opportunities to the life that i always want; but taking the step might also jeopardize or changed what is already good enough... it is a dead end?!? oh well... definitely unsolvable tonight...
maybe tomorrow will bring some light to the tunnel of my thoughts?
There is an unexplained uneasiness, it is almost like take two steps forward, and has to quickly take one back... Time is the key, i know i am overly anxious, i know i should control my restlessness, but emotions so very often takes the lead in my daily life and thoughts, there is just this uncontrollable impulsion of wanting to do more; and i kept giving myself excuses that it is because i just wanted to do more while i can, when i can. Well, i find it laughable myself sometimes, but this is me, absolutely complicated, and easily simple minded! Does it make any sense? i guess not.. never mind ..
I have a little secret..
Maybe it is an open secret? i wanna retire early... maybe it is all the things that i had gone through, the realisation of greater meaning in life, my thoughts kept drift into a life of simple married man.
i need to make a resolution, there are many baggage that cannot be brought forward to the new year, i am lacking a little courage and will power to make progress in unloading them... just 10 more days...what am i doing?!
Argh... sometimes leaving everything to status quo is the easiest, n possibly most harmless, yet it might just be the only window of opportunities to the life that i always want; but taking the step might also jeopardize or changed what is already good enough... it is a dead end?!? oh well... definitely unsolvable tonight...
maybe tomorrow will bring some light to the tunnel of my thoughts?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Passion
What is your passion in life?
What is the thing that you do that gives you the most sense of fulfilling?
Today Lk came to the hospital in the morning and accompany for the antibiotic treatment and the CT Scan that followed, it is such a blessing to have a friend like him really. We talked through out the day, from the most trivial things in life, to serious topics like relationships. Maybe it is the God factor in him, i realize this man has grown in size in both understanding and wisdom; This definitely add on to my belief that God makes the difference.
The topic of passions in life keep lingers in my thoughts, i thought maybe it is the direction that i should be exploring of what to do next. Well it is a good start, better than being clueless all the time.
So my passion? what is it really? I am passionate about my job, getting people to plan their finances etc can set me talking for days. But i need more than this job to make a bigger difference.. i want to make a difference, maybe this is my passion?!
What is the thing that you do that gives you the most sense of fulfilling?
Today Lk came to the hospital in the morning and accompany for the antibiotic treatment and the CT Scan that followed, it is such a blessing to have a friend like him really. We talked through out the day, from the most trivial things in life, to serious topics like relationships. Maybe it is the God factor in him, i realize this man has grown in size in both understanding and wisdom; This definitely add on to my belief that God makes the difference.
The topic of passions in life keep lingers in my thoughts, i thought maybe it is the direction that i should be exploring of what to do next. Well it is a good start, better than being clueless all the time.
So my passion? what is it really? I am passionate about my job, getting people to plan their finances etc can set me talking for days. But i need more than this job to make a bigger difference.. i want to make a difference, maybe this is my passion?!
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Pursuit of Happiness
Coming to the end of 2009, the pursuit of happiness has been constantly on my mind when i am at the same time recuperating from the operation. The physical changes are indeed irreversible, but my thoughts, perspective and life maybe is at the cross road for major changes, for good that is for sure. By how, or what means, i am still just as clueless as the time when i was still a boy.
It is week 4 now since i am discharged, i have probably skipped a few steps in getting back the strength, somehow maybe God just put me on a fast track of recovery. my weight is almost back to pre-op level, and i guess a few more weeks i might be able go to my ideal weight of say 68kg or 70kg? It is not that important la, i am more anxious about what really that i can do to live an even more meaningful life.
To get some clues, lately i am doing a lot of people watching, or people observation activities. I looked into my closest friend's life, or even the strangers on the street, i pondered about life all the time. It is very easy to forget the meaning of life when we are always busy in and out of the weekly routines, and in a place like singapore, it is even harder to take a breather, and maybe for the first time i did question myself, if this is the place i will dwell and live my dreams, the place that i will find 'happiness'. Then again to uproot me from here will take more than courage or wild dreams, i am too emotionally attached to many dear friends here.
We are essentially the same kind of creature, the ultimate aim in life is to search for that specially someone or something to fill the void or the puzzle of happiness; of course, everyone has different definition on this, and naturally different means and ways of achieving their goals. There are are no right or wrong ways i think, it is purely the difference of perspective, what matter most to me is always how we walk through the journey, and during that walk, the foot prints that were left behind has it encouraged or discouraged people. Maybe it is too far fetched to think that we can change the world, but it is never too hard to make a little difference one person at a time. And i am fortunate enough say that i have quite a number of them in my on going journey now.
I guess what i am saying here today is no matter what are our dreams, goals, and how we are living, we should never forget our innocence of pure joy and happiness. And i am finding back mine now!
It is week 4 now since i am discharged, i have probably skipped a few steps in getting back the strength, somehow maybe God just put me on a fast track of recovery. my weight is almost back to pre-op level, and i guess a few more weeks i might be able go to my ideal weight of say 68kg or 70kg? It is not that important la, i am more anxious about what really that i can do to live an even more meaningful life.
To get some clues, lately i am doing a lot of people watching, or people observation activities. I looked into my closest friend's life, or even the strangers on the street, i pondered about life all the time. It is very easy to forget the meaning of life when we are always busy in and out of the weekly routines, and in a place like singapore, it is even harder to take a breather, and maybe for the first time i did question myself, if this is the place i will dwell and live my dreams, the place that i will find 'happiness'. Then again to uproot me from here will take more than courage or wild dreams, i am too emotionally attached to many dear friends here.
We are essentially the same kind of creature, the ultimate aim in life is to search for that specially someone or something to fill the void or the puzzle of happiness; of course, everyone has different definition on this, and naturally different means and ways of achieving their goals. There are are no right or wrong ways i think, it is purely the difference of perspective, what matter most to me is always how we walk through the journey, and during that walk, the foot prints that were left behind has it encouraged or discouraged people. Maybe it is too far fetched to think that we can change the world, but it is never too hard to make a little difference one person at a time. And i am fortunate enough say that i have quite a number of them in my on going journey now.
I guess what i am saying here today is no matter what are our dreams, goals, and how we are living, we should never forget our innocence of pure joy and happiness. And i am finding back mine now!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Awakening
I see trees of green
Red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
and I think to myself What a wonderful world
I see skies of blue, And Clouds of white
The bright blessed day,
And the dark sacred night
and I think to myself What a wonderful world.
Ok the above was exactly how i felt last week... it was simply wonderful.
But today it is not exactly a wonderful day, i scratched my car at the SGH car park in the morning! The trouble of sending it for respraying is really quite a pain!
Come Friday, it will be 3 weeks since i am discharged home, although the antibiotic treatments will have to continue for another 3 weeks at SGH, i am seriously getting very restless.
Coincidentally, and fortunately my best pal is clearing her leaves too, so the last week have been really fun, to the extend that i was totally carried away. Unconsciously, we drifted into lots of semi-retirement life style topics, we talked about life, real and simple love stories. I thought we had traveled through time, visiting all the beautiful places. I dreamed of the night that is full of stars at in the city of Lucerne, Switzerland, the blue and white roofs at Santorini, Greece. and perhaps maybe some Mayday concert in the Island where Grandfather called home... I cannot remembered when was the last time that i have been so carefree and happy.. It was like a beautiful dream, in a totally different world from where i am now.
Like a well twisted drama, the short fairy tale was awakened to realize we are not alone, someone we both cared n loved is infiltrating back to his 'rightful' position;
Like a bubble, my fantasy slowly evaporated.
i might have have linger a little too long? Or that i might have tried to help too much? And got sucked into a never intended Bermuda Triangle. After much deliberation, and one last good talk in the afternoon, i have marked my own end of involvements, it is becoming a bit too heavy for me.
The short yet carefree life someday i hope i can revisit it all over again, but now is almost time to wake up. With the renewed energy, i need to get the groove going, i have to find things to do!!!!!!!!
I guess also that visions and dreams don't just come to you by just sitting and waiting for it to drop from somewhere, because it is just not happening!
So, i will just keep walking, as the days unfold, i am sure i will find the way.
But why is yesterday's blues still here?!give me some greens, some yellow, or some purple? or pink? give me a rainbow perhaps?! Pls?
:|
Red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
and I think to myself What a wonderful world
I see skies of blue, And Clouds of white
The bright blessed day,
And the dark sacred night
and I think to myself What a wonderful world.
Ok the above was exactly how i felt last week... it was simply wonderful.
But today it is not exactly a wonderful day, i scratched my car at the SGH car park in the morning! The trouble of sending it for respraying is really quite a pain!
Come Friday, it will be 3 weeks since i am discharged home, although the antibiotic treatments will have to continue for another 3 weeks at SGH, i am seriously getting very restless.
Coincidentally, and fortunately my best pal is clearing her leaves too, so the last week have been really fun, to the extend that i was totally carried away. Unconsciously, we drifted into lots of semi-retirement life style topics, we talked about life, real and simple love stories. I thought we had traveled through time, visiting all the beautiful places. I dreamed of the night that is full of stars at in the city of Lucerne, Switzerland, the blue and white roofs at Santorini, Greece. and perhaps maybe some Mayday concert in the Island where Grandfather called home... I cannot remembered when was the last time that i have been so carefree and happy.. It was like a beautiful dream, in a totally different world from where i am now.
Like a well twisted drama, the short fairy tale was awakened to realize we are not alone, someone we both cared n loved is infiltrating back to his 'rightful' position;
Like a bubble, my fantasy slowly evaporated.
i might have have linger a little too long? Or that i might have tried to help too much? And got sucked into a never intended Bermuda Triangle. After much deliberation, and one last good talk in the afternoon, i have marked my own end of involvements, it is becoming a bit too heavy for me.
The short yet carefree life someday i hope i can revisit it all over again, but now is almost time to wake up. With the renewed energy, i need to get the groove going, i have to find things to do!!!!!!!!
I guess also that visions and dreams don't just come to you by just sitting and waiting for it to drop from somewhere, because it is just not happening!
So, i will just keep walking, as the days unfold, i am sure i will find the way.
But why is yesterday's blues still here?!give me some greens, some yellow, or some purple? or pink? give me a rainbow perhaps?! Pls?
:|
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
blues..
Today is one of the rare blue day. I woke up feeling blue, came home from the hospital feeling blue, and still blue after my afternoon nap.. and it just doesn't get better into the day.. it is one big blue blue day.
And in such a blue day, somehow i will just get melancholy about life, love and happiness. It is a huge topic, and i am no expert in them all.
Life comes in all forms, while some are struggling with basic needs, city dweller like me has the luxury of lamenting about it AGAIN; it is ironic, on one hand i am thankful for who i am and what i have, on the other hand, i just wished to have a simpler form of life.. it is complicated, and the blues sure not helping it.
Love? At one moment, i can tell a friend to go for it, to stop procrastinating and take actions, i said sure maybe someone better are out there, but if it is me, i were never hesitate, for i know only i can love the girl the way i love, and make her the happiest person in the planet... Sounds like some scripts right?
Then the next moment i would say if you really love the girl, you can't be selfish, you gotta let her go, for loving someone is not about owning her, it is to make sure she is happy even without you. nuts isn't it?!!? So now we know, comes to love issues, never come to me for advise, i will only confuse you! i am confused myself too.
Happiness? maybe it is Good Life + Love = happiness?
I think happiness it's to have no worries about the next meal and the next next of cos, have someone u truly loves and she is really happy! have two beautiful little angels and stays in a really cozy flat. Grow old and watch the children grow up and have their own families, still holding on to your partners wrinkled hands, take the slow stroll along the park, stop by the bench underneath the palm trees, watch the sun set ... how nice right?
If i can i will write and live in my own fairy tale and never wake up from it!!!!
that is not possible of cos. Darn!
and my blues are not going away!!! looks like it's gonna sleep with me tonight...
And in such a blue day, somehow i will just get melancholy about life, love and happiness. It is a huge topic, and i am no expert in them all.
Life comes in all forms, while some are struggling with basic needs, city dweller like me has the luxury of lamenting about it AGAIN; it is ironic, on one hand i am thankful for who i am and what i have, on the other hand, i just wished to have a simpler form of life.. it is complicated, and the blues sure not helping it.
Love? At one moment, i can tell a friend to go for it, to stop procrastinating and take actions, i said sure maybe someone better are out there, but if it is me, i were never hesitate, for i know only i can love the girl the way i love, and make her the happiest person in the planet... Sounds like some scripts right?
Then the next moment i would say if you really love the girl, you can't be selfish, you gotta let her go, for loving someone is not about owning her, it is to make sure she is happy even without you. nuts isn't it?!!? So now we know, comes to love issues, never come to me for advise, i will only confuse you! i am confused myself too.
Happiness? maybe it is Good Life + Love = happiness?
I think happiness it's to have no worries about the next meal and the next next of cos, have someone u truly loves and she is really happy! have two beautiful little angels and stays in a really cozy flat. Grow old and watch the children grow up and have their own families, still holding on to your partners wrinkled hands, take the slow stroll along the park, stop by the bench underneath the palm trees, watch the sun set ... how nice right?
If i can i will write and live in my own fairy tale and never wake up from it!!!!
that is not possible of cos. Darn!
and my blues are not going away!!! looks like it's gonna sleep with me tonight...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
New life... ...
Today is my best pal's birthday, and coincidentally its also a month now since the operation was done. I am slowly getting back my feet to the ground, the antibiotic treatment won't be over until next sat, so November is officially over for me, and all i hope now its for the infection to get out of the way, before i can start getting focus on the new lease of living.
My dear friend mentioned that she was the one always calling me to ask about me, and she was so right; i am lousy when it comes to talk about my problems.In fact, i never like to talk about problems, for i know talking about it just won't solve anything, it'll probably made me feel worse, maybe, maybe not? But of cos, when its all bottomed up and gonna over-flow, i'll still have this dear friend to whine about life.
So ok, The operation is a huge success according to my doctors, it is a huge relieved to the dear people around me. I am thankful! very thankful! I have to credit all these to God, without His grace and mercy, all will not be possible.
One month is gone, i am getting back my strength back bit by bit, and at the same time, i have to cope with the whole new life, everything is different, the real challenge is not the op, is after the op! I have to admit that many many times i have doubts if i can really live on with the changes! The limitations and inconveniences are going to follow me the rest of my life! can i really handle it?
Well actually it's a dummy question, i mean can i handle it?!? do i have a choice? Of all people, i should be the last person to have a second thought about all these right? Sometimes i wish that i can think and feel the logical but without emotions way, yet can a man made of flesh able to behave in such 'perfect' mode?
In anyway, i am just venting my frustrations here, i know as time go by, i will slowly get use to this, i will made the best out of this, i know and i know.!!!
But now just let me whine... let me be weak for a while, allow me to complain; and dun get me talk about my problems, it is a taboo now, cos this is not something anyone can help, i alone has to overcome the psychological barrier. It is gonna take sometime, but rest assured, i wont waste too much time on it too, time is simply too precious.
Oh.. no, i am not gonna be a one man island or a hermit yet, taking time off from the problems is just a mental break for me. i cant imagine being alone for even a second! It kills me when i think i am gonna be a lonely old man! hahahahahah..
This morning sun is exceptionally refreshing, and the breeze is cooling, the morning drive from the hospital is enjoyable.. i like my car! :)
And to my best pal, the perfect woman in my opinion, happy birthday to you! I am sure all the goods things are gonna come your way!
My dear friend mentioned that she was the one always calling me to ask about me, and she was so right; i am lousy when it comes to talk about my problems.In fact, i never like to talk about problems, for i know talking about it just won't solve anything, it'll probably made me feel worse, maybe, maybe not? But of cos, when its all bottomed up and gonna over-flow, i'll still have this dear friend to whine about life.
So ok, The operation is a huge success according to my doctors, it is a huge relieved to the dear people around me. I am thankful! very thankful! I have to credit all these to God, without His grace and mercy, all will not be possible.
One month is gone, i am getting back my strength back bit by bit, and at the same time, i have to cope with the whole new life, everything is different, the real challenge is not the op, is after the op! I have to admit that many many times i have doubts if i can really live on with the changes! The limitations and inconveniences are going to follow me the rest of my life! can i really handle it?
Well actually it's a dummy question, i mean can i handle it?!? do i have a choice? Of all people, i should be the last person to have a second thought about all these right? Sometimes i wish that i can think and feel the logical but without emotions way, yet can a man made of flesh able to behave in such 'perfect' mode?
In anyway, i am just venting my frustrations here, i know as time go by, i will slowly get use to this, i will made the best out of this, i know and i know.!!!
But now just let me whine... let me be weak for a while, allow me to complain; and dun get me talk about my problems, it is a taboo now, cos this is not something anyone can help, i alone has to overcome the psychological barrier. It is gonna take sometime, but rest assured, i wont waste too much time on it too, time is simply too precious.
Oh.. no, i am not gonna be a one man island or a hermit yet, taking time off from the problems is just a mental break for me. i cant imagine being alone for even a second! It kills me when i think i am gonna be a lonely old man! hahahahahah..
This morning sun is exceptionally refreshing, and the breeze is cooling, the morning drive from the hospital is enjoyable.. i like my car! :)
And to my best pal, the perfect woman in my opinion, happy birthday to you! I am sure all the goods things are gonna come your way!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
21st Oct 2009
I guess I will never forget this date!
At 0600H, I was woken up by the nurses for their routine checks on all patients. It's 2 hours away from the operation. To say i had no fears would be a bluff, yet at the same time i had been waiting for the moment to come for almost 4 weeks of agonizing delays. I knew the odds were simply too low, my life very highly could just end there and then. But i thought myself again and again, i had tried my best, exhausted all my abilities and will for the last 3 years, there was really nothing left in me except to leave everything to God. And i thought, if it were to end then, i had no regrets either, I am no perfect men, but i have lived an honorable life; i might not have experience everything in life, but it's enough or so i thought.
At 0630H, one by one, my whole family arrived, my parents, dajie, er jie, my brother and two brother-in-laws. Moments after, Ling kai and charlie's family, chen wei, daphne and Edwin, Julia and Chee wee all arrived at the ward as well. It's a weds morning, all of them took leave to give me their supports! to be honest, i needed it badly, and just so glad that they are all there.
At 0700H, time to change for the op. Thank God ling kai was there, being a man of God, he was a constant calm and peace to my over anxious family.
At 0730H, Of all things, i did not leave a will! Sub-consciously i just did not want to sabotage myself the already low odds. But What if it happened!? unfortunately i had to leave this burden to my dearest Tan when i knew she wasn't having the best time of her life too. she could hardly hold back her tears when i told her my last instructions; it sure hurts to see your best pal cry, all i wished for her is that she'll be happy always.
At 0800H, I was ready to go in, and then all of the sudden, emotions started to break out, first is mum, then follow by my father and sisters, one by one, they started crying, i could hardly hold back mine, i had to reassure them that i was gonna be ok, yet seeing them with all tears, my tears went out of control too. It felt like life and death separation kind of scene, i thought this only happened in the dramas?
At 0810H, not sure abt the time anymore, but the moment i am in the ops room, all was all too familiar, just this time i know the op is gonna take the whole day. I recited palms 23 and quickly i was unconscious... no dreams.. nothing..
At 1700H, the very first moment i regained my consciousness, the pain was excruciating! But i needed an answer, i needed to know if the op is a success, that the tumor is all removed, that i can live again!!! Drifting in and out of consciousness, finally i was pushed out where the 14 dear people are all waiting for me, Dajie did not failed me, she was quick to tell me the op is a success! when i heard that, i channel all my strength to my right arm and lifted my fist towards the 14 dear people. Yes, i made it! And then i was back to unconsciousness again. Phew...
I heard from Ling Kai and Tan subsequently, on how they all waited outside of the ops room from the moment i was in till i was out again, how they rushed to the door whenever its opened and to realize it was not me... every time when i imagine the very scene, it always drive me to tears. I am a very lucky man, a very lucky lucky man! I have strong family support, loving mum and sisters, incredible brother in Christ and my ever green charlies' angels and partner. I have all the best things in life, I am blessed! God is Good!
At 0600H, I was woken up by the nurses for their routine checks on all patients. It's 2 hours away from the operation. To say i had no fears would be a bluff, yet at the same time i had been waiting for the moment to come for almost 4 weeks of agonizing delays. I knew the odds were simply too low, my life very highly could just end there and then. But i thought myself again and again, i had tried my best, exhausted all my abilities and will for the last 3 years, there was really nothing left in me except to leave everything to God. And i thought, if it were to end then, i had no regrets either, I am no perfect men, but i have lived an honorable life; i might not have experience everything in life, but it's enough or so i thought.
At 0630H, one by one, my whole family arrived, my parents, dajie, er jie, my brother and two brother-in-laws. Moments after, Ling kai and charlie's family, chen wei, daphne and Edwin, Julia and Chee wee all arrived at the ward as well. It's a weds morning, all of them took leave to give me their supports! to be honest, i needed it badly, and just so glad that they are all there.
At 0700H, time to change for the op. Thank God ling kai was there, being a man of God, he was a constant calm and peace to my over anxious family.
At 0730H, Of all things, i did not leave a will! Sub-consciously i just did not want to sabotage myself the already low odds. But What if it happened!? unfortunately i had to leave this burden to my dearest Tan when i knew she wasn't having the best time of her life too. she could hardly hold back her tears when i told her my last instructions; it sure hurts to see your best pal cry, all i wished for her is that she'll be happy always.
At 0800H, I was ready to go in, and then all of the sudden, emotions started to break out, first is mum, then follow by my father and sisters, one by one, they started crying, i could hardly hold back mine, i had to reassure them that i was gonna be ok, yet seeing them with all tears, my tears went out of control too. It felt like life and death separation kind of scene, i thought this only happened in the dramas?
At 0810H, not sure abt the time anymore, but the moment i am in the ops room, all was all too familiar, just this time i know the op is gonna take the whole day. I recited palms 23 and quickly i was unconscious... no dreams.. nothing..
At 1700H, the very first moment i regained my consciousness, the pain was excruciating! But i needed an answer, i needed to know if the op is a success, that the tumor is all removed, that i can live again!!! Drifting in and out of consciousness, finally i was pushed out where the 14 dear people are all waiting for me, Dajie did not failed me, she was quick to tell me the op is a success! when i heard that, i channel all my strength to my right arm and lifted my fist towards the 14 dear people. Yes, i made it! And then i was back to unconsciousness again. Phew...
I heard from Ling Kai and Tan subsequently, on how they all waited outside of the ops room from the moment i was in till i was out again, how they rushed to the door whenever its opened and to realize it was not me... every time when i imagine the very scene, it always drive me to tears. I am a very lucky man, a very lucky lucky man! I have strong family support, loving mum and sisters, incredible brother in Christ and my ever green charlies' angels and partner. I have all the best things in life, I am blessed! God is Good!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
... ...
I dun have a title for this. In fact i don't even know where to begin...
It's bad news...
After almost 3 years, i am back to ground zero. Tumor is still there, cancer indicator is still inclining upwards. I have no choice but to confront the reality, death, painful death is imminent unless i were to turn to the last option of drastic operation which was proposed since day one.
To be really honest, when cancer relapsed back then, I was so resolute against the operation, it was better to be dead than were to live with the post-op consequences i thought! But time flies, with a physical body so badly restricted by the cancer and it's treatments, i had accomplished nothing. I am literally trapped. I need more time...
Night time lately is especially torturous, i can't sleep well, so bad, i am almost getting suicidal. It's getting physically and mentally challenging. I need a way out, death was more than once an option thru the many sleepless nights. But i have so many things yet to accomplish, the work i always said i wanna do to make a difference, and my family, and the angel i promised to love and guard for the rest of my life. I am only 30, i can't let it end here. i need a way out, i cant simply allow the light of my life slowly diminished into the darkness.
The new stents are not working well according to the blood test.Something is very wrong, i am waiting anxiously for coming thurs to come so that i can get a far more clear picture of what is going on. But more or less, i am 90% certain, the drastic operation i rejected all these time is the only way our for me, if i want to live! There are still many concerns about the complications of the operation i need to talk it out with the surgeons on thurs, the mortality risk of the op is also relative high even though they had reassured me many times that younger person like me have high chance of pulling through. Coupled with many other potential side effects of the op, life after that will not be normal anymore. But with so many things yet to accomplish, my mind is set, i need to do all it takes to stay alive.
It is really strange, i was fearless of death, i was prepared to perish with this cancer 2 years back. I am not getting the miracle, God did not heal me like i hope He would, i have possibly exhausted all possible treatments, orthodox or unorthodox means, or mixing the western and chinese medicines, or add on the different kind of fringe medicines that gave so much promises. But all failed! 2 years and 9 months of trying, not only i had exhausted all my brilliant ideas, and also my hope and resolves for the miracle that is yet to come. Being suicidal is only a moment of weakness, i know i won't, it's cowardice. Then again, the risk of the op can be fatal too, am i brave? Or that i was just giving up trying on my own resolves? I am exhausted to the brink of breaking down, i am really tired of all these, when will this be ever over?!
Exhaustion, add on frustration and confusion this is probably my state of mind now.
Dap said something that also echoed a little voice in me yesterday, that maybe everything is a process, 2 years and 9 months ago i was not prepared to walk that path, but maybe this period was just to prepare me for that. Maybe she is right, God in all His mercy and Grace knows that i wont be able to take it then, He had preserved me for 2 years and 9 months, and now it is time for me to walk that path? To stay alive, this is the only option. Maybe just maybe, life after op is the miracle that is awaiting me?
It's bad news...
After almost 3 years, i am back to ground zero. Tumor is still there, cancer indicator is still inclining upwards. I have no choice but to confront the reality, death, painful death is imminent unless i were to turn to the last option of drastic operation which was proposed since day one.
To be really honest, when cancer relapsed back then, I was so resolute against the operation, it was better to be dead than were to live with the post-op consequences i thought! But time flies, with a physical body so badly restricted by the cancer and it's treatments, i had accomplished nothing. I am literally trapped. I need more time...
Night time lately is especially torturous, i can't sleep well, so bad, i am almost getting suicidal. It's getting physically and mentally challenging. I need a way out, death was more than once an option thru the many sleepless nights. But i have so many things yet to accomplish, the work i always said i wanna do to make a difference, and my family, and the angel i promised to love and guard for the rest of my life. I am only 30, i can't let it end here. i need a way out, i cant simply allow the light of my life slowly diminished into the darkness.
The new stents are not working well according to the blood test.Something is very wrong, i am waiting anxiously for coming thurs to come so that i can get a far more clear picture of what is going on. But more or less, i am 90% certain, the drastic operation i rejected all these time is the only way our for me, if i want to live! There are still many concerns about the complications of the operation i need to talk it out with the surgeons on thurs, the mortality risk of the op is also relative high even though they had reassured me many times that younger person like me have high chance of pulling through. Coupled with many other potential side effects of the op, life after that will not be normal anymore. But with so many things yet to accomplish, my mind is set, i need to do all it takes to stay alive.
It is really strange, i was fearless of death, i was prepared to perish with this cancer 2 years back. I am not getting the miracle, God did not heal me like i hope He would, i have possibly exhausted all possible treatments, orthodox or unorthodox means, or mixing the western and chinese medicines, or add on the different kind of fringe medicines that gave so much promises. But all failed! 2 years and 9 months of trying, not only i had exhausted all my brilliant ideas, and also my hope and resolves for the miracle that is yet to come. Being suicidal is only a moment of weakness, i know i won't, it's cowardice. Then again, the risk of the op can be fatal too, am i brave? Or that i was just giving up trying on my own resolves? I am exhausted to the brink of breaking down, i am really tired of all these, when will this be ever over?!
Exhaustion, add on frustration and confusion this is probably my state of mind now.
Dap said something that also echoed a little voice in me yesterday, that maybe everything is a process, 2 years and 9 months ago i was not prepared to walk that path, but maybe this period was just to prepare me for that. Maybe she is right, God in all His mercy and Grace knows that i wont be able to take it then, He had preserved me for 2 years and 9 months, and now it is time for me to walk that path? To stay alive, this is the only option. Maybe just maybe, life after op is the miracle that is awaiting me?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Why So Serious
Quoting from the Joker ( the late Heath Ledger) from movie The Dark Knight.
" Why So serious?"
....
..
.
It is coming to the end of 4 weeks since the operation, and i am still not back to my normal routine. The bleeding and pain though has subsided but still a constant discomfort i have to face daily. I was too naive to think that i can be back so soon when i was first discharged. An rare display how i can also be a simpleton. I was simply silly la.
Staying home for so long almost suffocated me, i was becoming irritable and frustrated. Walking from one point of the house to another point of the house, the four walls was quickly turning into a 'cage' and i am the wounded bird thats so trapped inside. I think i almost gone insane really.
I figured i can never be 100% before i come out again, since thurs i started to come out a bit more. Whether is visiting the office or out to window shop, all of it keep me sane. And i am so thankful that i stepped out of the 'cage', the fresh air outside always rejuvenate my spirit.
Last night especially, Heng, Tan and I were at east coast park for dinner and followed by chilling at the live band cafe beside. The food was good, but the company was simply fantastic. I am always so thankful for them.
The hour plus at the cafe in east coast brought back many memories. We chit chatted away about our younger days; how we used to have BBQ, watched sun rise and sun sets and of cos also the meteorites watching.
I guessed i also had almost forgotten ECP was my favorite hang out place, i had so much fun with Eileen and my cutest smartest Spice. This part of memories was locked up at a corner of my brain until yesterday.
Looking back, I am two years senior to my peers, with exposure to older friends outside, i remembered i was totally fun loving and mischievous even. But somehow as i get older, i got more serious with myself, so bad that it is like all 'work' and no play makes L.S a boring man. My friend tut in recent years always gave me that. There is no doubt that i definitely like myself, goal driven, self dependent these are all my strength, aren't there???
A voice was clearly spoke to me when i was there sitting and enjoying the music, it said " WHY SO SERIOUS?"
This 3 words keep popping up in my head the whole time last night there.
Recent years i am just too uptight with myself, yes i am. And it become a stumbling block between me and God.
I thought i clearly heard Him last night. " i have given u freedom and liberty, walk in my light and also have fun, WHY SO SERIOUS?"
It is good to know what i want, but if i am so caught up with my own ideas, principles or even dreams, how can God walk in? God is a symbol of Love, peace, and hope and many more, but i've forgotten He is also freedom and liberty. People in the world will abuse freedom and liberty on one hand, but on the other i should not have forgotten the gifts and use it in a good way.
After so many years of being a Christian, i admit i am a slow learner.,,,
But its ok, WHY SO SERIOUS, just let go and Let GOD.
" Why So serious?"
....
..
.
It is coming to the end of 4 weeks since the operation, and i am still not back to my normal routine. The bleeding and pain though has subsided but still a constant discomfort i have to face daily. I was too naive to think that i can be back so soon when i was first discharged. An rare display how i can also be a simpleton. I was simply silly la.
Staying home for so long almost suffocated me, i was becoming irritable and frustrated. Walking from one point of the house to another point of the house, the four walls was quickly turning into a 'cage' and i am the wounded bird thats so trapped inside. I think i almost gone insane really.
I figured i can never be 100% before i come out again, since thurs i started to come out a bit more. Whether is visiting the office or out to window shop, all of it keep me sane. And i am so thankful that i stepped out of the 'cage', the fresh air outside always rejuvenate my spirit.
Last night especially, Heng, Tan and I were at east coast park for dinner and followed by chilling at the live band cafe beside. The food was good, but the company was simply fantastic. I am always so thankful for them.
The hour plus at the cafe in east coast brought back many memories. We chit chatted away about our younger days; how we used to have BBQ, watched sun rise and sun sets and of cos also the meteorites watching.
I guessed i also had almost forgotten ECP was my favorite hang out place, i had so much fun with Eileen and my cutest smartest Spice. This part of memories was locked up at a corner of my brain until yesterday.
Looking back, I am two years senior to my peers, with exposure to older friends outside, i remembered i was totally fun loving and mischievous even. But somehow as i get older, i got more serious with myself, so bad that it is like all 'work' and no play makes L.S a boring man. My friend tut in recent years always gave me that. There is no doubt that i definitely like myself, goal driven, self dependent these are all my strength, aren't there???
A voice was clearly spoke to me when i was there sitting and enjoying the music, it said " WHY SO SERIOUS?"
This 3 words keep popping up in my head the whole time last night there.
Recent years i am just too uptight with myself, yes i am. And it become a stumbling block between me and God.
I thought i clearly heard Him last night. " i have given u freedom and liberty, walk in my light and also have fun, WHY SO SERIOUS?"
It is good to know what i want, but if i am so caught up with my own ideas, principles or even dreams, how can God walk in? God is a symbol of Love, peace, and hope and many more, but i've forgotten He is also freedom and liberty. People in the world will abuse freedom and liberty on one hand, but on the other i should not have forgotten the gifts and use it in a good way.
After so many years of being a Christian, i admit i am a slow learner.,,,
But its ok, WHY SO SERIOUS, just let go and Let GOD.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Post Op
I am really thankful the procedure on Monday went on smoothly, it was nonetheless a really painful experience.
The night stay in the Ward was totally unbearable. Some good friends and charlies' girls were again there to cheer me up. When all were gone, i was left alone. The bed was warm, ventilation was bad, i could hardly move becos of the tubes and the pain from the operation. Every hour was excruciatingly hard to bear. The ipod that i brought along was the only distraction i could have, of cos i also tried to read the bible. The night crawled by, one minute after another, one hour after another hour, It was the longest night ever.
I had anticipated that actually, and usually my mum will stay behind to keep me company through the night, but my recent years of bad health had also put a toll on hers. Whenever i see her wrinkled face and full of graying hairs, it just remind me of my helplessness over my dependence on her. At her age, she should be comfortable and without worries anymore... These thoughts are a constant burden to my mind lately, despite the extreme pain, and the the expected long horror night, i put up a strong front and asked mum to go back with the rest.
Fast forward to now, however long the night was on monday, i was totally relieved to come back home on tues, the internal bleedings and pain are slowly fading away.
I slipped out to watch Jack Neo's horror comedy, it was a cheap flick, an opportunistic film to catch the hungry festival mood, but coming out of home and watch with a dear friend was the real joy really.
I might have over strained though, the bleeding and pain escalated after i came back, thankfully it was only temporal. A few more day of good rest, i think i will be able to go back for a small swim... Tues? i am positive!
The night stay in the Ward was totally unbearable. Some good friends and charlies' girls were again there to cheer me up. When all were gone, i was left alone. The bed was warm, ventilation was bad, i could hardly move becos of the tubes and the pain from the operation. Every hour was excruciatingly hard to bear. The ipod that i brought along was the only distraction i could have, of cos i also tried to read the bible. The night crawled by, one minute after another, one hour after another hour, It was the longest night ever.
I had anticipated that actually, and usually my mum will stay behind to keep me company through the night, but my recent years of bad health had also put a toll on hers. Whenever i see her wrinkled face and full of graying hairs, it just remind me of my helplessness over my dependence on her. At her age, she should be comfortable and without worries anymore... These thoughts are a constant burden to my mind lately, despite the extreme pain, and the the expected long horror night, i put up a strong front and asked mum to go back with the rest.
Fast forward to now, however long the night was on monday, i was totally relieved to come back home on tues, the internal bleedings and pain are slowly fading away.
I slipped out to watch Jack Neo's horror comedy, it was a cheap flick, an opportunistic film to catch the hungry festival mood, but coming out of home and watch with a dear friend was the real joy really.
I might have over strained though, the bleeding and pain escalated after i came back, thankfully it was only temporal. A few more day of good rest, i think i will be able to go back for a small swim... Tues? i am positive!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Op is on tomorrow,
After much delayed, the operation to change the stents will be on tomorrow morning.
I am going in out of hospital too many times of my liking, needless to say about the pain associated with it, thinking of all these, shrinks my guts, and make me really anxious and uncomfortable. i guess this will be over too, i just need to keep my faith, i know i should.
Hais, so based on the admission brief, i will be a warded for two days, and i hope i can be back home the latest on weds.
Some dear frens who have always been around will be coming to keep me company is prob the only consolation going into the hospital. Can't believe if there is any patient who dislikes visitors right? I mean the hospital is a really sad and boring place, with visitors, even the air is dead still. ok i am digressing, even though the situation is tough, but i have many people to thanks to make it so much easier. Apart from my family, Lk and cg guys to count on prayers, charlies' angels for company, and of cos the many other dear frens. In the midst of all the misfortunes, i am blessed, ain't I?
It's been a month of time off, i am slowly grasping what's awaiting for me, though not exciting, but definitely worth living for. All goes well after the op, God willing, it'll be time for me to finally start on what might just be the reason why i am still here!?!
I am going in out of hospital too many times of my liking, needless to say about the pain associated with it, thinking of all these, shrinks my guts, and make me really anxious and uncomfortable. i guess this will be over too, i just need to keep my faith, i know i should.
Hais, so based on the admission brief, i will be a warded for two days, and i hope i can be back home the latest on weds.
Some dear frens who have always been around will be coming to keep me company is prob the only consolation going into the hospital. Can't believe if there is any patient who dislikes visitors right? I mean the hospital is a really sad and boring place, with visitors, even the air is dead still. ok i am digressing, even though the situation is tough, but i have many people to thanks to make it so much easier. Apart from my family, Lk and cg guys to count on prayers, charlies' angels for company, and of cos the many other dear frens. In the midst of all the misfortunes, i am blessed, ain't I?
It's been a month of time off, i am slowly grasping what's awaiting for me, though not exciting, but definitely worth living for. All goes well after the op, God willing, it'll be time for me to finally start on what might just be the reason why i am still here!?!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Mental breaks
I have many ways to do self therapy, to swing myself back to the mood of happiness. It works me well, until recent months. I have the strong urge to have something different; to be less constraint, to loosen up of sorts.
Well, and i did, i bought a new car, a convertible, to fulfill one of those things that i always want. I have been always careful, cautious to be exact even though i appear otherwise, and contrary to what many of my friends thought, i happened to be really down to earth. Buying the car took me very long to make the call, finances and practicalities, in the end, on the irony, it is the uncertainties ahead that push me to "Just Do It". ( I am never quite a car person, well, a convertible is every boy's ideal ride isn't it?)
And i have another break from my routine self, i almost stopped work for a while now, attending only those important appointments and meetings. It was a little uncomfortable for a while, having a unproductive week usually would have put me in red alert, not to mention one whole month? The fear of losing the 'mojo' at work still pinch me quite a bit, i can never go to the office without looking at the production board. sigh... hahah.. at times like this i find myself really really really complicatedly and beautifully made.
I am not sure when i can be back to myself again, but with the operation on 3rd Aug coming, including the recuperation period, i guess this break is gonna take another month. To be honest, idling is not necessarily a bad thing for me, considering the fact that i am actually fighting to stay alive now, a total break from my routine should be healthy. In a ideal world, of course it is!!! Problem is i am living in an imperfect one. :(@#%#%@#%&#$^$@!#@%
I have certain peace in my current change of routine, somehow i am also searching for a greater purpose and calling, i thought there must be also another way to leave my foot prints.
Repeating swimming, gym, yoga this week again, i have to be in the best shape for my op, and the rest can wait i guess.
Well, and i did, i bought a new car, a convertible, to fulfill one of those things that i always want. I have been always careful, cautious to be exact even though i appear otherwise, and contrary to what many of my friends thought, i happened to be really down to earth. Buying the car took me very long to make the call, finances and practicalities, in the end, on the irony, it is the uncertainties ahead that push me to "Just Do It". ( I am never quite a car person, well, a convertible is every boy's ideal ride isn't it?)
And i have another break from my routine self, i almost stopped work for a while now, attending only those important appointments and meetings. It was a little uncomfortable for a while, having a unproductive week usually would have put me in red alert, not to mention one whole month? The fear of losing the 'mojo' at work still pinch me quite a bit, i can never go to the office without looking at the production board. sigh... hahah.. at times like this i find myself really really really complicatedly and beautifully made.
I am not sure when i can be back to myself again, but with the operation on 3rd Aug coming, including the recuperation period, i guess this break is gonna take another month. To be honest, idling is not necessarily a bad thing for me, considering the fact that i am actually fighting to stay alive now, a total break from my routine should be healthy. In a ideal world, of course it is!!! Problem is i am living in an imperfect one. :(@#%#%@#%&#$^$@!#@%
I have certain peace in my current change of routine, somehow i am also searching for a greater purpose and calling, i thought there must be also another way to leave my foot prints.
Repeating swimming, gym, yoga this week again, i have to be in the best shape for my op, and the rest can wait i guess.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thoughts
There is never a doubt that being alive is a blessing.
We are are brought into this world for a purpose. Yet sometimes when i walk past the foreign workers, it always set me thinking. Are we are all born equal? Really?
Staying in Singapore shield many of us from witnessing the many sufferings around the world. Yes, we'll sigh for the the moment when we read the news, and quickly we are back to our world. We have to! need to! All of us can feel, and empathized, but isn't that the easiest part? i mean, even animals have emotions right?
And then of course a good fraction of us will do something more than feel the feel by extending our time and money to different causes. Make a little difference one step at a time. i like this group of people of course, after all imagine if everyone in this world can do this, wouldn't it make this world a better place?
There is another class of people, who devote their life for a greater cause. This group is a minority naturally, rightfully so, because if everyone were to do 'volunteering', then i am afraid economy will not grow, this world will stagnant instead right?
On the first look, it seems like quite an easy equation. We all do our best to make a living, and when we can, contribute a bit of our time and money to the society or the world, and when we have enough of all the desires of the world, we will devote our life fully to 'save' the world. In such equation, no one will be born poor one day, we will indeed born equal then.
Reality and ideals never quite cross their paths often enough, especially so in this case. We have probably forgotten that man are all birthed with flaws; "desires'' of a human heart often drive us towards to the seven sins, greed, lust, gluttony etc... and if only it is stopped there! but it does not, we witness War, poverty, crimes and all the brokenness this world offers, all are the results of our selfish exploits at the expenses of other people, other company, other race, other country and the list goes on. As long as it is 'other', it doesn't matter? what if we are also other side's 'other'? does this explain the ceaseless struggles and brokenness in this world?
So the problem still lies with us right?
I have heard very often' it is my life ' from many people, and even myself. But is it true that we own the rights to our life? Maybe? or maybe not? One thing is certain i believe, that is we are all born for a purpose, and that purpose is definitely not for ourselves, but for others!!! Take a simple look at how this world works, when we plant a seed, we will reap the fruit someday. Sowing and reaping is an eternal true principal.
The thought of the day, our life is not our own, it's co-owned by the people around us, whether or not we fulfill our purpose, it really depends if we make a positive contribution to our social world. Every footstep will leave a footprint, have i left mine? how many more to go?
We are are brought into this world for a purpose. Yet sometimes when i walk past the foreign workers, it always set me thinking. Are we are all born equal? Really?
Staying in Singapore shield many of us from witnessing the many sufferings around the world. Yes, we'll sigh for the the moment when we read the news, and quickly we are back to our world. We have to! need to! All of us can feel, and empathized, but isn't that the easiest part? i mean, even animals have emotions right?
And then of course a good fraction of us will do something more than feel the feel by extending our time and money to different causes. Make a little difference one step at a time. i like this group of people of course, after all imagine if everyone in this world can do this, wouldn't it make this world a better place?
There is another class of people, who devote their life for a greater cause. This group is a minority naturally, rightfully so, because if everyone were to do 'volunteering', then i am afraid economy will not grow, this world will stagnant instead right?
On the first look, it seems like quite an easy equation. We all do our best to make a living, and when we can, contribute a bit of our time and money to the society or the world, and when we have enough of all the desires of the world, we will devote our life fully to 'save' the world. In such equation, no one will be born poor one day, we will indeed born equal then.
Reality and ideals never quite cross their paths often enough, especially so in this case. We have probably forgotten that man are all birthed with flaws; "desires'' of a human heart often drive us towards to the seven sins, greed, lust, gluttony etc... and if only it is stopped there! but it does not, we witness War, poverty, crimes and all the brokenness this world offers, all are the results of our selfish exploits at the expenses of other people, other company, other race, other country and the list goes on. As long as it is 'other', it doesn't matter? what if we are also other side's 'other'? does this explain the ceaseless struggles and brokenness in this world?
So the problem still lies with us right?
I have heard very often' it is my life ' from many people, and even myself. But is it true that we own the rights to our life? Maybe? or maybe not? One thing is certain i believe, that is we are all born for a purpose, and that purpose is definitely not for ourselves, but for others!!! Take a simple look at how this world works, when we plant a seed, we will reap the fruit someday. Sowing and reaping is an eternal true principal.
The thought of the day, our life is not our own, it's co-owned by the people around us, whether or not we fulfill our purpose, it really depends if we make a positive contribution to our social world. Every footstep will leave a footprint, have i left mine? how many more to go?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Vexing
I have never been quite so lost in my thoughts before.
There seem to be one thousand things to do and sort out.
And lately, my secretary is giving me a lot of headache, she just can't work independently, always lost in her world.. which i always know.. sigh.. but why is she not learning? at times, when i found out the mess she created for me, i can almost boiled to the extend of wanting to murder someone!!! REally quite speechless, i guess i still cant count on her to do anything more than the basic filing and stuffs. I need more time to train her, which is what i dont have, what a tragic.
I guess i need some time to plan out my things properly. nothing seems right lately..
I thought of taking a break away from everything, and go somewhere and take my mind off, and then there is the H1N1 flu to worry about, where else can i go?
AM i worrying too much? maybe be i should not be thinking too much??? is there a switch on the brain? switch it off for a week, let me be normal for as short as a week, where i can live without so much worries and troubles? this is like hoping against hope?
I need to find solace in God, only in Him i can find peace, and i know i am not spending enough time on this.. it is not a habit yet? i need to expedite on this!
Am i too uptight? Gosh.. i keep thinking i am losing it...
:(
There seem to be one thousand things to do and sort out.
And lately, my secretary is giving me a lot of headache, she just can't work independently, always lost in her world.. which i always know.. sigh.. but why is she not learning? at times, when i found out the mess she created for me, i can almost boiled to the extend of wanting to murder someone!!! REally quite speechless, i guess i still cant count on her to do anything more than the basic filing and stuffs. I need more time to train her, which is what i dont have, what a tragic.
I guess i need some time to plan out my things properly. nothing seems right lately..
I thought of taking a break away from everything, and go somewhere and take my mind off, and then there is the H1N1 flu to worry about, where else can i go?
AM i worrying too much? maybe be i should not be thinking too much??? is there a switch on the brain? switch it off for a week, let me be normal for as short as a week, where i can live without so much worries and troubles? this is like hoping against hope?
I need to find solace in God, only in Him i can find peace, and i know i am not spending enough time on this.. it is not a habit yet? i need to expedite on this!
Am i too uptight? Gosh.. i keep thinking i am losing it...
:(
Thursday, June 11, 2009
long time no see
It is been a quite a while before the last time i visited this blog
Since the beginning of the year i have been writing less here. It was really a sub conscious efforts of not to dwell on the constant bad new, but to live on a purposeful life as much as i can.
It is almost three months since the last blog, TS1 did not work at all, it had to discontinue and revert back to Xeloda, with lower dosage bearing in mind of the pain that the side effects bring about.
Doctor Simon has come back a new drug, again.. but this supposedly less potent or poisonous chemo treatment has its extreme side effects that have me thinking if i should indeed try??!! At the end of the day, my only concern is if the chemo is going to kill the cancer fast enough before it consumes my life altogether too. I need more time to think through, and yes i had used my 30th birthday as a reason and also an excuse to push back the possible new treatment. However one thing that is almost certain, unless a miracle happens, this war that i have been fighting, undeniably as optimistic as i could, fear of losing it all is creeping in...
Now back to something lighter, turning 30 has become a reality, and my birthday celebration that night was good and fun, other than some important friends who could not turn up for various reasons, most of my good friends did make the trouble to join me on the tuesday night. It was exhaustive to organize a party for a 100 people, but given this experience, the next round will be a rock!
Went to the PC show at suntec just now at 4pm, it was the first time i ever walk into one of such, what was supposedly lesser crowd was still quite a rude shock to me! the place was loaded with people! If not because i had to get a new lap urgently, i would have make a u turn and leave. The good news is i did manage to get a new Fujisu lap top, the bad news, i am $2000 poorer.. and plus a $70 traffic fine for leaving my car at the wrong place... xianz..
Come to think of it, i might have over spent.,, :(, oh well, it better last as long as the old one eileen passed me 4 years ago...
Tomorrow late afternoon i really have to go for the CT scan that i have postponed too many times, God be with me! I am sort of coming to my wits end, nothing and no else but God can help. God be with me.
Since the beginning of the year i have been writing less here. It was really a sub conscious efforts of not to dwell on the constant bad new, but to live on a purposeful life as much as i can.
It is almost three months since the last blog, TS1 did not work at all, it had to discontinue and revert back to Xeloda, with lower dosage bearing in mind of the pain that the side effects bring about.
Doctor Simon has come back a new drug, again.. but this supposedly less potent or poisonous chemo treatment has its extreme side effects that have me thinking if i should indeed try??!! At the end of the day, my only concern is if the chemo is going to kill the cancer fast enough before it consumes my life altogether too. I need more time to think through, and yes i had used my 30th birthday as a reason and also an excuse to push back the possible new treatment. However one thing that is almost certain, unless a miracle happens, this war that i have been fighting, undeniably as optimistic as i could, fear of losing it all is creeping in...
Now back to something lighter, turning 30 has become a reality, and my birthday celebration that night was good and fun, other than some important friends who could not turn up for various reasons, most of my good friends did make the trouble to join me on the tuesday night. It was exhaustive to organize a party for a 100 people, but given this experience, the next round will be a rock!
Went to the PC show at suntec just now at 4pm, it was the first time i ever walk into one of such, what was supposedly lesser crowd was still quite a rude shock to me! the place was loaded with people! If not because i had to get a new lap urgently, i would have make a u turn and leave. The good news is i did manage to get a new Fujisu lap top, the bad news, i am $2000 poorer.. and plus a $70 traffic fine for leaving my car at the wrong place... xianz..
Come to think of it, i might have over spent.,, :(, oh well, it better last as long as the old one eileen passed me 4 years ago...
Tomorrow late afternoon i really have to go for the CT scan that i have postponed too many times, God be with me! I am sort of coming to my wits end, nothing and no else but God can help. God be with me.
Friday, March 27, 2009
TS-1
Life is like a drama, and people come and go in our life! Death is indeed an eventual path for everyone. And the journey meanwhile is indeed precious however long or short one might think, it is still not enough time to accomplish all the things i want to do.
Two more months, and then i will be 30! IT IS 30!!!!! HAA.. incredible!!!
Lately i have been kind of addicted to THE SEVENTH DAY tvb drama! The show is about relationships on two different couples, it is a really sweet drama, and makes the audience like me to believe in fairy tale loves all over again. Not that i don't believe in one, but it certainly refreshes my spirit. In the drama, one of the female lead was found to have contracted a form of cancer, and how the bf stood by her was really really touching, i even found my eyes getting wet over it. Maybe, it reminded me of my own predicament, what happened on the screen is indeed quite a contrast to where i am today. Nope, not gonna dwell on this, but life is in deed like a drama, people come and go, and those who are always around, man, how lucky i am, for they are my constant consolation over the those that left. well in life, we win some, and we lose some right!
Coping with cancer is not easy, but i guess i have been doing ok! being ill nonetheless makes me different! i cannot be in activities like everyone else. I have limited energy for everyday day, and most of it i will have to channel it to work, i have to do it this way, i need to have something to look forward to, i have to keep the 'work done' to remind myself i am still relevant, that i can still do better than lots of people.
I have drastically reduced my leisure hours, sometimes almost non-existing. My work typically starts from the late afternoon and ends around 9pm. Turning down to join friends for drinks or chill outs is often done with much reluctance but not without frustrations. I don't really have many really close friends, if i were to really count! And those who are truly understanding and truly concerns of me are even lesser, but but they are already more than enough, in fact i think i am luckier than lots of people out there!
It is unfortunate that i have to lose a few friends in the midst of rehabilitation, i am disappointed no doubt, more so that i really detest it when i have to explain too many times why i cant be there, that i needed rest!! i would think it is pretty dummy proof.
So WHAT IS TS-1??
Time flies, i have been on Xeloda, the chemo pill, for almost 9 months! unfortunately, it comes with side effects, before this month, things are still not so bad, but lately the HFS ( hand foot syndrome) has become too apparent! my skins on my hands and feet have become dry and tight, and even painful! To the extend that my toe nails are threatening to fall off!
And this has to happen when my CEA level is not too stable, today;s medical appointment with Doctor Simon again brought no relieves, CEA is up a point not own!!! He recommended a new drug call TS-1 to replace the Xeloda, it is supposed to be better, but more damaging to the immune system. Being new, it also means it is not a widely approved drug to be used in Singapore although it's already very widely used in Japan. I can only begin this new drug in a week, i have a good hunch, this new drug will work well for me!!!
tomorrow is weekend again!!! time pass too fast!!! can i slow the time?
Two more months, and then i will be 30! IT IS 30!!!!! HAA.. incredible!!!
Lately i have been kind of addicted to THE SEVENTH DAY tvb drama! The show is about relationships on two different couples, it is a really sweet drama, and makes the audience like me to believe in fairy tale loves all over again. Not that i don't believe in one, but it certainly refreshes my spirit. In the drama, one of the female lead was found to have contracted a form of cancer, and how the bf stood by her was really really touching, i even found my eyes getting wet over it. Maybe, it reminded me of my own predicament, what happened on the screen is indeed quite a contrast to where i am today. Nope, not gonna dwell on this, but life is in deed like a drama, people come and go, and those who are always around, man, how lucky i am, for they are my constant consolation over the those that left. well in life, we win some, and we lose some right!
Coping with cancer is not easy, but i guess i have been doing ok! being ill nonetheless makes me different! i cannot be in activities like everyone else. I have limited energy for everyday day, and most of it i will have to channel it to work, i have to do it this way, i need to have something to look forward to, i have to keep the 'work done' to remind myself i am still relevant, that i can still do better than lots of people.
I have drastically reduced my leisure hours, sometimes almost non-existing. My work typically starts from the late afternoon and ends around 9pm. Turning down to join friends for drinks or chill outs is often done with much reluctance but not without frustrations. I don't really have many really close friends, if i were to really count! And those who are truly understanding and truly concerns of me are even lesser, but but they are already more than enough, in fact i think i am luckier than lots of people out there!
It is unfortunate that i have to lose a few friends in the midst of rehabilitation, i am disappointed no doubt, more so that i really detest it when i have to explain too many times why i cant be there, that i needed rest!! i would think it is pretty dummy proof.
So WHAT IS TS-1??
Time flies, i have been on Xeloda, the chemo pill, for almost 9 months! unfortunately, it comes with side effects, before this month, things are still not so bad, but lately the HFS ( hand foot syndrome) has become too apparent! my skins on my hands and feet have become dry and tight, and even painful! To the extend that my toe nails are threatening to fall off!
And this has to happen when my CEA level is not too stable, today;s medical appointment with Doctor Simon again brought no relieves, CEA is up a point not own!!! He recommended a new drug call TS-1 to replace the Xeloda, it is supposed to be better, but more damaging to the immune system. Being new, it also means it is not a widely approved drug to be used in Singapore although it's already very widely used in Japan. I can only begin this new drug in a week, i have a good hunch, this new drug will work well for me!!!
tomorrow is weekend again!!! time pass too fast!!! can i slow the time?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
interstig post from a friend note!
A note from a father to the son's teacher!
He will have to learn, I know,
that not all men are just,
all men are not true.
But teach him also that
for every scoundrel there is a hero;
that for every selfish politician,
there is a dedicated leader...
Teach him for every enemy there is a friend.
Steer him away from envy,
if you can,
teach him the secret of laughter.
Let him learn early that
the bullies are the easiest to lick..
Teach him,
if you can,
the wonder of books...
But also give him quiet time
to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky,
bees in the sun,
and the flowers on a green hillside.
In the school teach him
it is far honourable to fail
than to cheat...
Teach him to have faith
in his own ideas,
even if everyone tells him
they are wrong...
Teach him to be gentle
with the gentle people,
and tough with the tough.
Try to give my son
the strength not to follow the crowd
when everyone is getting on the bandwagon..
Teach him to listen to all men
but teach him also to filter
alll he hears on a screen of truth,
and take only the good
that comes through.
Teach him if you can,
how to laugh when he is sad...
Teach him there is no shame in tears,
Teach him to scoff at cynics
and to beware of too much sweetness...
Teach him to sell his brawn
and brain to the highest bidders
but never to put a price tag
on his heart and soul.
Teach him to close his ears
to a howling mob
and to stand and fight
if he thinks he's right.
Treat him gently, but do not cuddle him,
because only the test
of fire makes fine steel.
Let him have the courage
to be impatient...
Let him have the patience to be brave.
Teach him always
to have sublime faith in himself,
because then he will have
sublime faith in mankind.
This is a big order,
but see what you can do...
He is such a fine fellow,
my son!
He will have to learn, I know,
that not all men are just,
all men are not true.
But teach him also that
for every scoundrel there is a hero;
that for every selfish politician,
there is a dedicated leader...
Teach him for every enemy there is a friend.
Steer him away from envy,
if you can,
teach him the secret of laughter.
Let him learn early that
the bullies are the easiest to lick..
Teach him,
if you can,
the wonder of books...
But also give him quiet time
to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky,
bees in the sun,
and the flowers on a green hillside.
In the school teach him
it is far honourable to fail
than to cheat...
Teach him to have faith
in his own ideas,
even if everyone tells him
they are wrong...
Teach him to be gentle
with the gentle people,
and tough with the tough.
Try to give my son
the strength not to follow the crowd
when everyone is getting on the bandwagon..
Teach him to listen to all men
but teach him also to filter
alll he hears on a screen of truth,
and take only the good
that comes through.
Teach him if you can,
how to laugh when he is sad...
Teach him there is no shame in tears,
Teach him to scoff at cynics
and to beware of too much sweetness...
Teach him to sell his brawn
and brain to the highest bidders
but never to put a price tag
on his heart and soul.
Teach him to close his ears
to a howling mob
and to stand and fight
if he thinks he's right.
Treat him gently, but do not cuddle him,
because only the test
of fire makes fine steel.
Let him have the courage
to be impatient...
Let him have the patience to be brave.
Teach him always
to have sublime faith in himself,
because then he will have
sublime faith in mankind.
This is a big order,
but see what you can do...
He is such a fine fellow,
my son!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
complex being
I have been caught with a complex mixed of feelings for a long time.
I find it hard to comprehend, something that is beyond words.
There are days that i feel really good especially those days when i am at the pool, but there are also those days i felt really lost, and perhaps lousy about myself. Maybe it is an old Gemini characteristic, i am really not sure, but it is definitely not a good spell.
Maybe it is the circumstances that are weighing on me, the reality that i need to accept the limits and restrictions that are placed over my life. Being a free minded all my life, this is a bitter pill that's hard to swallow, not so mention to live with it. Honestly i hate this! Maybe the tone is stronger than how i am actually felt, but if i can help it, i would want to fast forward this trial.
Reality being reality, somethings are indeed beyond me, being level headed and rational also meant that i am in lack of loosing myself a little sometimes. It is like i am unhappy, yet i know i should not be unhappy, and i can mechanically alter my mood by doing something to get myself to the chirpy side almost too fast! It is weird and complicated, having such ability is a plus of course, but something is missing..
Maybe i don;t want to cheer myself up all the time, maybe understanding myself is not good enough, i need someone to understand me? Is this an exhibition act that indirectly depicts how my inner being is really doing ?
I have great friends, i can make them laugh, and they always make my days, but it is just not enough... hmm.. not on a day that i am alone sitting here writing my frustrations.
I am complicated today.
I find it hard to comprehend, something that is beyond words.
There are days that i feel really good especially those days when i am at the pool, but there are also those days i felt really lost, and perhaps lousy about myself. Maybe it is an old Gemini characteristic, i am really not sure, but it is definitely not a good spell.
Maybe it is the circumstances that are weighing on me, the reality that i need to accept the limits and restrictions that are placed over my life. Being a free minded all my life, this is a bitter pill that's hard to swallow, not so mention to live with it. Honestly i hate this! Maybe the tone is stronger than how i am actually felt, but if i can help it, i would want to fast forward this trial.
Reality being reality, somethings are indeed beyond me, being level headed and rational also meant that i am in lack of loosing myself a little sometimes. It is like i am unhappy, yet i know i should not be unhappy, and i can mechanically alter my mood by doing something to get myself to the chirpy side almost too fast! It is weird and complicated, having such ability is a plus of course, but something is missing..
Maybe i don;t want to cheer myself up all the time, maybe understanding myself is not good enough, i need someone to understand me? Is this an exhibition act that indirectly depicts how my inner being is really doing ?
I have great friends, i can make them laugh, and they always make my days, but it is just not enough... hmm.. not on a day that i am alone sitting here writing my frustrations.
I am complicated today.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
interesting post to know a little of myself
FOOD-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Sushi tei dressing
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Sushi Tei.. or any other restaurant
What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
sweet potato!
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
tomatoes?
What do you like to put on your toast?
din have this for a long time
TECHNOLOGY
How many television sets are in your house?
2. one in my room that's hardly watched
What color of cell phone do you have?
Brown
ps. I think this technology section is lame.
BIOLOGY
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
too much actually. i have one more to remove! the tumor
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
eileen?( ha... don;t kill me! but i had only two gf u see, the other one is really small).
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
yes, by a basket ball when i was like 6? i fainted for a whole day.
BULLCRAPOLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No thanks.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I have many name. i like all of them. lianshu or Rome are my favorite :p
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
NO. Because I might die first. I can't tolerate spicy food.
DUMBOLOGY
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2!
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never.
Last person you talked to?
my mum. she is my guardian angel
Last person you hugged?
brian, my nephew.
FAVORITOLOGY
Season?
summer.
Holiday?
only if with friends or love ones
Day of the week?
Sun! i get to go church!
Month?
December! Because it's my holiday month. don;t have to work
CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone?
all the time
Mood?
Tired, but unable to sleep.
What are you listening to?
Josh groban's DVD
Watching?
Josh Groban's DVD
Worrying about?
i shouldn't!
RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning?
meet a client
What's the last movie you saw?
In the theatre: Love matters! disappointing show really
Do you smile often?
Like a madman.
QUESTIONS
1)Do you always answer your phone?
All the time
2) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
is there such person? Probably got killed by me by now
3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
amber? I like what i have now actually
4)What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Simi Sonic? I only drink water!
5) Do you own a digital camera?
Yes and I always forget to bring it out.
6) Have you ever had a pet fish?
Nope
7) Favorite Christmas song?
Cannot remember the title
8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Hmm... cancer is gone, CEA dropped to zero.
9) Can you do push ups?
100?
10) Can you do a chin up?
15.
11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited!
12) Do you have any saved texts?
Yes important schedules from clients?
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
yup.
14) Do you have an accent?
Nah.. i don;t think so.
15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Amazing Grace
16) Plans tonight?
SLEEP, EVENTUALLY.
17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yup.. 5 years ago when i knew i had cancer, and then two years ago when CA came back.
18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week
supplements! and more supplements
19) Have you ever been given roses?
By Nerissa, she can be so sweet.
20) Current worry?
i shouldn't!
21) Current hate right now?
No hates! i am filled with grace and love.
22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yep ;) God counts right?
23) How did you bring in the New Year!
at home with friends
24) What song represents you?
can't think of any
25) Name three people who might complete this?
Aiyah, if u are reading this and really really bored, you should. just copy and paste and fill in your own answers
26) What were you doing at 12 AM last night
Home. getting ready to sleep
27) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
How many hours i manage to sleep through out
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Sushi tei dressing
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Sushi Tei.. or any other restaurant
What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
sweet potato!
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
tomatoes?
What do you like to put on your toast?
din have this for a long time
TECHNOLOGY
How many television sets are in your house?
2. one in my room that's hardly watched
What color of cell phone do you have?
Brown
ps. I think this technology section is lame.
BIOLOGY
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
too much actually. i have one more to remove! the tumor
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
eileen?( ha... don;t kill me! but i had only two gf u see, the other one is really small).
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
yes, by a basket ball when i was like 6? i fainted for a whole day.
BULLCRAPOLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No thanks.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I have many name. i like all of them. lianshu or Rome are my favorite :p
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
NO. Because I might die first. I can't tolerate spicy food.
DUMBOLOGY
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2!
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never.
Last person you talked to?
my mum. she is my guardian angel
Last person you hugged?
brian, my nephew.
FAVORITOLOGY
Season?
summer.
Holiday?
only if with friends or love ones
Day of the week?
Sun! i get to go church!
Month?
December! Because it's my holiday month. don;t have to work
CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone?
all the time
Mood?
Tired, but unable to sleep.
What are you listening to?
Josh groban's DVD
Watching?
Josh Groban's DVD
Worrying about?
i shouldn't!
RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning?
meet a client
What's the last movie you saw?
In the theatre: Love matters! disappointing show really
Do you smile often?
Like a madman.
QUESTIONS
1)Do you always answer your phone?
All the time
2) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
is there such person? Probably got killed by me by now
3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
amber? I like what i have now actually
4)What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Simi Sonic? I only drink water!
5) Do you own a digital camera?
Yes and I always forget to bring it out.
6) Have you ever had a pet fish?
Nope
7) Favorite Christmas song?
Cannot remember the title
8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Hmm... cancer is gone, CEA dropped to zero.
9) Can you do push ups?
100?
10) Can you do a chin up?
15.
11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited!
12) Do you have any saved texts?
Yes important schedules from clients?
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
yup.
14) Do you have an accent?
Nah.. i don;t think so.
15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Amazing Grace
16) Plans tonight?
SLEEP, EVENTUALLY.
17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yup.. 5 years ago when i knew i had cancer, and then two years ago when CA came back.
18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week
supplements! and more supplements
19) Have you ever been given roses?
By Nerissa, she can be so sweet.
20) Current worry?
i shouldn't!
21) Current hate right now?
No hates! i am filled with grace and love.
22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yep ;) God counts right?
23) How did you bring in the New Year!
at home with friends
24) What song represents you?
can't think of any
25) Name three people who might complete this?
Aiyah, if u are reading this and really really bored, you should. just copy and paste and fill in your own answers
26) What were you doing at 12 AM last night
Home. getting ready to sleep
27) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
How many hours i manage to sleep through out
Saturday, January 31, 2009
i am going to live!
Chinese new year is typically a very quiet thing for me, every year i find myself stay home with the couch, tv and potatoes for the whole of the holiday. This new year make no differences, i stayed home through out, boredom with some exaggeration almost become suicidal seriously!?! ha..
I saw how my siblings' own family's togetherness in the new year, i was full of envy, i have always want to have my own since early 20s, somehow it is just not yet for me, and this new year year at the same time also amplify how 'lonely' i am at a time like this. This is another moment of me lamenting about life, i know actually i am already very blessed in many ways.
January is coming to the end, and Friday's appointment with Doctor Tan and Doctor Simon brought no encouragement, quite the opposite in fact. CEA is on the up trend, which brought no relief to me or my family.
Coming to the beginning of 3rd year, face to face with cancer, with so many ups and downs, i am growing immune to the bad news, growing tired of writing about this problem.
It has been 2 year plus, too many times i down played the fatality of this illness that i am fighting with to the people around me, it also almost helped to make belief to myself and the rest that this war can be won comfortably somehow.. it is a subconscious thing.
It is not exactly wrong, i am just trying to be my best positive self.
And so the latest test result is a stern reminder of this life threatening illness that i am facing. I mean i am always aware of it, just that talking about the bad and negatives has not been part of me for a long time. And because of this, i have also made some sub conscious decisions over my career, love and family. All in all, i guess i am just taking practical steps that is fair and balance for this part of the journey.
So two year plus of a long war that i am fighting also taught me many things, like the importance of family, love and friendships. And many times, revelation from God helped to pull me out of the pits.
It is tough, but rather than focusing on the problems, i have a new revelation that i need to get start a new beginning with a new attitude towards this.
Also i know that there is a season for everything, i have so much to learn and so much i want to do for this world, so this means i need more time, perhaps the rest of my life!!! Till 120 years old according to my grandma. :)
SO, I am going to live, a healthy and happy life !!
I saw how my siblings' own family's togetherness in the new year, i was full of envy, i have always want to have my own since early 20s, somehow it is just not yet for me, and this new year year at the same time also amplify how 'lonely' i am at a time like this. This is another moment of me lamenting about life, i know actually i am already very blessed in many ways.
January is coming to the end, and Friday's appointment with Doctor Tan and Doctor Simon brought no encouragement, quite the opposite in fact. CEA is on the up trend, which brought no relief to me or my family.
Coming to the beginning of 3rd year, face to face with cancer, with so many ups and downs, i am growing immune to the bad news, growing tired of writing about this problem.
It has been 2 year plus, too many times i down played the fatality of this illness that i am fighting with to the people around me, it also almost helped to make belief to myself and the rest that this war can be won comfortably somehow.. it is a subconscious thing.
It is not exactly wrong, i am just trying to be my best positive self.
And so the latest test result is a stern reminder of this life threatening illness that i am facing. I mean i am always aware of it, just that talking about the bad and negatives has not been part of me for a long time. And because of this, i have also made some sub conscious decisions over my career, love and family. All in all, i guess i am just taking practical steps that is fair and balance for this part of the journey.
So two year plus of a long war that i am fighting also taught me many things, like the importance of family, love and friendships. And many times, revelation from God helped to pull me out of the pits.
It is tough, but rather than focusing on the problems, i have a new revelation that i need to get start a new beginning with a new attitude towards this.
Also i know that there is a season for everything, i have so much to learn and so much i want to do for this world, so this means i need more time, perhaps the rest of my life!!! Till 120 years old according to my grandma. :)
SO, I am going to live, a healthy and happy life !!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A song tells a thousands words!
I have been listening to a lot of Josh Groban's songs lately, i am a fan! I can stayed home to watch his DVD concert for hours.. and repeat it the very next day.
And one of the song that i especially love is the one below; one which always remind me of someone close to my heart. And this is for her!
You're still You
Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you
You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through
And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you
And one of the song that i especially love is the one below; one which always remind me of someone close to my heart. And this is for her!
You're still You
Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you
You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through
And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"THE PRAYER"
The Lyrics of a song sing by Josh Groban that i listened while on home leave last week, it helped so much in building and holding onto my faith.
"The Prayer"
I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu dai
I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restera
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita
La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child
Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera
"The Prayer"
I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu dai
I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restera
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita
La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child
Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera
Monday, January 12, 2009
A week of horror and love
This was last week!
What was supposedly a day operation, ended up become 6 days of hospitalization with me 4 times on the operation table through the 6 days.
Some really important friends turned up to cheer me on, and they really make it so much easier. Yet on the other end, someone was so closed then did no more than a cold text, i have no idea why i feel how i felt. But in my moment of pain and weaknesses, i always become more emotional. In my heart, i kept repeating i am missing you, but the only cold text i got which also coupled with work stuffs, really pushed me further to suppress the feelings. It was just so cold.. sighz ... what do i expect really?
Thankfully, i have my angels to love, all married they might be, but still dear and close to me, after more than a decade old, this is precious!!!
There is an old saying, you can really tell who are with you, and have you in their heart when you are down and out, i am so thankful that i have so many hands stretching to me and cheering and pulling me up each time i am down. They are precious!!!
Besides my angels n hubbies, thanks neo for driving my mum to and fro for me, and for fetching me home on sat. Thanks tut for going the distance and picking up my medicines and waking up early on thurs morning to send me back to hospital; thanks to LK for standing with me for almost 4hours on fri day, without which, i doubt i was able to come home on sat; thanks neighbor for the oranges, biscuits and also as my office messenger, thanks to all who come, and the heartwarming messages.
Thank God for giving me faith, so that i am safe now at home.
What was supposedly a day operation, ended up become 6 days of hospitalization with me 4 times on the operation table through the 6 days.
Some really important friends turned up to cheer me on, and they really make it so much easier. Yet on the other end, someone was so closed then did no more than a cold text, i have no idea why i feel how i felt. But in my moment of pain and weaknesses, i always become more emotional. In my heart, i kept repeating i am missing you, but the only cold text i got which also coupled with work stuffs, really pushed me further to suppress the feelings. It was just so cold.. sighz ... what do i expect really?
Thankfully, i have my angels to love, all married they might be, but still dear and close to me, after more than a decade old, this is precious!!!
There is an old saying, you can really tell who are with you, and have you in their heart when you are down and out, i am so thankful that i have so many hands stretching to me and cheering and pulling me up each time i am down. They are precious!!!
Besides my angels n hubbies, thanks neo for driving my mum to and fro for me, and for fetching me home on sat. Thanks tut for going the distance and picking up my medicines and waking up early on thurs morning to send me back to hospital; thanks to LK for standing with me for almost 4hours on fri day, without which, i doubt i was able to come home on sat; thanks neighbor for the oranges, biscuits and also as my office messenger, thanks to all who come, and the heartwarming messages.
Thank God for giving me faith, so that i am safe now at home.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Life's balance sheet!
An email sent by a dear friend, So you think you got a balance life?
read this and think again! :)
Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Some very Good and Very bad things ...
The most destructive habit....... .......... ......Worry
The greatest Joy......... ......... ......... ....Giving
The greatest loss.......Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work........ .......Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....... ......Selfishness
The most endangered species..... ....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.... .......Our youth
The greatest 'shot in the arm'........ Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.... ........Fear
The most effective sleeping pill....... Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease.......Excuses
The most powerful force in life......... .......Love
The most dangerous act...... ...A gossip
The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain
The worst thing to be without..... ......... Hope
The deadliest weapon...... ......... .....The tongue
The two most power-filled words........... 'I Can'
The greatest asset....... ........... .......Faith
The most worthless emotion.... ........Self- pity
The most beautiful attire...... ......... ....SMILE!
The most prized possession.. ......... .....Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication. ...Prayer
The most contagious spirit...... ......Enthusiasm
Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing...!!!
read this and think again! :)
Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Some very Good and Very bad things ...
The most destructive habit....... .......... ......Worry
The greatest Joy......... ......... ......... ....Giving
The greatest loss.......Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work........ .......Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....... ......Selfishness
The most endangered species..... ....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.... .......Our youth
The greatest 'shot in the arm'........ Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.... ........Fear
The most effective sleeping pill....... Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease.......Excuses
The most powerful force in life......... .......Love
The most dangerous act...... ...A gossip
The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain
The worst thing to be without..... ......... Hope
The deadliest weapon...... ......... .....The tongue
The two most power-filled words........... 'I Can'
The greatest asset....... ........... .......Faith
The most worthless emotion.... ........Self- pity
The most beautiful attire...... ......... ....SMILE!
The most prized possession.. ......... .....Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication. ...Prayer
The most contagious spirit...... ......Enthusiasm
Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing...!!!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy new year!
Phew, it is now officially 2009!
I have made several resolutions, and the first and foremost is to stay healthy and strong, and there are already a few things i have to get past soon. It will begin with Doc Simon's appointment tomorrow morning to check on my CEA level, and immediately followed by an operation that i really dreaded of going to change the stems in my kidneys on next Monday. It'll be painful, and probably disable me for a week and followed with another week of mandatory rest at home.
Seriously, this is not quite the way to start off a new year i wish for, but looking at the brighter side, i get to quickly get the nagging 'pain' of medicals off my path, before i set off my journey for a better year! I have a lot of good thoughts towards this new year, i am going to stay on top of all the hurdles and move to greater heights!
Oh, Eileen is off to London again, somehow i felt handicapped once again without her around. The kind of emotional support she brings is almost irreplaceable, but she has her life in London, and i have mine here, guess this special friendship can only maintained by networks like emails and telecoms.
In view of the operation on Monday, i have to get myself physically prepared by doing more workouts the next three days.. i need to be in the best shape by then!
I have made several resolutions, and the first and foremost is to stay healthy and strong, and there are already a few things i have to get past soon. It will begin with Doc Simon's appointment tomorrow morning to check on my CEA level, and immediately followed by an operation that i really dreaded of going to change the stems in my kidneys on next Monday. It'll be painful, and probably disable me for a week and followed with another week of mandatory rest at home.
Seriously, this is not quite the way to start off a new year i wish for, but looking at the brighter side, i get to quickly get the nagging 'pain' of medicals off my path, before i set off my journey for a better year! I have a lot of good thoughts towards this new year, i am going to stay on top of all the hurdles and move to greater heights!
Oh, Eileen is off to London again, somehow i felt handicapped once again without her around. The kind of emotional support she brings is almost irreplaceable, but she has her life in London, and i have mine here, guess this special friendship can only maintained by networks like emails and telecoms.
In view of the operation on Monday, i have to get myself physically prepared by doing more workouts the next three days.. i need to be in the best shape by then!
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