The most real things in life are the things that we can't see!

Merry Xmas!!!



I read and come across an article questioning and telling the absolutely truth in life are the things that we can't see! It's sort of mind-boggling, but true to the core!



There are nothing as real as hope, love, friendship.. all of those that are intangible that also often missed by our own shortsightedness.


Coming to the end of the 2008, it is yet another eventful year, though not all good, but there are also highlights to linger on. There are also certainly many events that could turn me bitter and cold, but once my grievances are spoken and shared with a dear friend early of the month, that even though the apology never come, i have decided it is so much easier to just forgive

and possibly forget about it too.


Eileen is back! Right at the moment when i needed a friend that i can talk heart to heart. What we shared is of course no longer the bf/gf relationship, but definitely more than friendship. I could not put my thoughts into words the other day with her, but now i know what i wanted to say.

We have know each other since secondary three, in her words four years ago, our love story is almost as tragic as "Romeo and Juliet".. She has since settled down well in London for the last 4 years. This time when she's back, from all the little talks we have, i know she has indeed found her own life, her own world, it might be unfortunate that our destinies diverge, but i am still truly happy for her, and i know she feels the same way towards me as well too. we just have the best wishes for each other, and that's precious! That is most real!

Life

I remembered one particular night, when i was a boy, probably 5, sitting alone outside my house, looking up the sky that is full of stars and wondered what's is ahead for my life. That moment i believe is the beginning of my life.

I have grown and learnt that life is short, colourful and challenging yet also beautiful. I know everyone of us has a story to tell, after all, every step that we take, do leave a foot print behind.

This morning i was informed that a friend had just passed away because of CA! I wasn;t sure if i was encouraging myself or comforting my friends when i said i am ok, and that i am not affected. I thought i wasnt!
come to think of it, i was caught in a shock, i did not know how to respond to it. I kept telling myself to think positive, not be affected, there are things that are beyond my understanding!
but how could i?
Through out my way to office, i was so burdened with different kind of emotions, i was urgently thinking of someone to call... in the end i did not. It was possibly the loneliest 45 minutes.
I thought i still have two person i can relate to... but one is still not back, another one is so happens to be away at taiwan for holiday! Sigh...
It was supposed to be a good start for the week, and when i found that my lap top charger was taken way from my table, i lost my cool for probably the first time in my 3 years at hsbc. Taking it out on the secretaries was never the intention, and when i went over to apologized, i finally blurred out about what happened to my friend, my tears just could not hold it back anymore.
I needed a pat on the back! tell me that this will be over too! Tx said that i am different, and i should not be reminded of the bad, but rather think of the positive. She was right, i was very affected.

I spent the afternoon lamenting about life, went for a massage to try so sleep the burden off but to no avail.
Thankfully, a good friend came along in the evening, and a 30mins alone sitting at the open area at raffles mrt smooth out the emotional day.

I think life is so frail, and it is so real. I have to excuse myself from his wake the next two days, but my prayers and thoughts are with his family now. Truth is there are no ways to explain why certain things like this happened, and i won't pretend i know or understand, and not discouraged... But it does not contradict the fact that my God is still a good God, and that He always has everything under control.

Life is short, temporal and frail, i am not sure if i am doing all the rights things all the time, but i will try! i want to live life without regrets, and everyone should also. Let's love and be loved. Moments like this also makes me take stock of my own life. I am thankful for all that i have, my family, good friends and most importantly my health.

Life is beautiful, and should be beautiful!

'My' Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_INGUq-gQI4

Gotta Be Somebody- Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Nobody wants to be the last one there A
nd everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

Julia's wedding

Julia, one of Charlie's angel got married tonight.
Looking back to the school days in Dunman, this fine lady has come a long way.. all of us do actually.
Julia, Dap and Tan have always been such close friends to me. It's been 10 plus years, and the friendship between us have also blossomed to almost 'kinship'. They are just like a family. they've seen through my ups and downs, most importantly, they are always around!
Charlie's girl is marrying tonight is the highlight of the day.

It was a lovely evening, and also brought out my sentimental side, i could not help but lament about my own love stories. Oh well... the right time and season will come.

At the dinner, i saw another friend of mine from DHS, she was down with CA almost the same time as i, but since then she had recovered, married and now pregnant with a baby girl of almost 8 months. Her experience had also got her closer to God, and i am very proud to say that this is another miracle blessed by God, even ah tut agreed.. but at the same time i also reminded him, that his dear friend, me, is another living example of miracle, sitting beside him on the table, and still playing football with him almost every week!

The few minutes of conversation was short yet warm, I am really happy for her, and also encouraged by her at the same time. We ended our conversation blessing each other, recognising God is indeed good, that miracles do exist!

He is good!

Time off

We all need time off, be it physically, mentally or even emotionally?
I wish i can stay at my peak of optimism 24/7, but i guess i am still human after all, it is ok to take a little time off, to lie still on the couch, watch some dvds, catch some good sleeps.

I am just back from a morning session of some form training, a quick glance of what used to be such a familiar face has become so foreign take a hit at my emotional well being. There are many things in life that's beyond my means and control, this has to be one of them.

So again, i push away a lunch appt, and could have go bowling with neo, but time alone is the best antidote for a sluggish morning.

So here i am, thinking that everyone of us will have a song that echoes our inner soul, and if we don't have one, we should write one. I am gonna write one, but someone has to correct my gramma lo. haha..

Disturbing news..

It has been quite a day.. woke up at 7am, needed to like two hours to decide on what to wear for a more formal meeting in the morning, had good lunch and managed to get a good message after that at a spa in orchard. And then meeting with boss in the evening, dinner at office area, and many phone calls to update my clients till like 9pm... when was the last time i had a day that's so filled up like that???
And it does not end there, My two pals were supposed to meet me at bedok at 10pm for some important meetings, but in the end, they were both late, by the time they reached, it's almost 11pm..

So something not so pleasant happened, while waiting for them i called an old friend for a drink at the bedok block 85.
I remembered when i know her, she was stilll an innocent school girl.. we are friend for almost like 12 years? nah nothing happended to our friendship, but she was sharing a bit of her life now. I appreciate very much her honest and straight forwardness in revealing that she's seeing two guys at the same time!!!
OK>> I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I HEARD REALLY...
And she knew i would be shocked...
The thing is, she and the bf had been together for almost like 5 years, and she's now seeing another guy for the last one month... and she's also aware that the 'new friend' has another relationship ongoing..
What's going on here?
I have to give credit to her honest confession, though after what i said to her, she said she should not have told me!..
Sigh... it is really disturbing!!
I know, what i heard might be getting a bit common nowadays, but still!!!!????!!!
She admitted that they are just in for the thrill.. and if it turn out to be something real, it's good news, if not, it's OK too?!?, and if they are caught by their partners, then it's just too bad...
And i asked if she's not serious about the current boyfriend, then why not end it instead to lead a life that's so full of deceits and lies, but she admitted that she's selfish, because until she's sure of the new relationship, she'll not let go of her current bf!
Speechless...
Well, i think it is easy for people to criticise such selfishness and immoral behaviours, but other people's experience and stories should serve more for our own self reflection and not made the same mistakes.

Her candid and matter of fact way of putting it really took me by surprise and I am not sure i did manage to talk any sense to her, so at end of the the very short catch up, i just urged her to take care of herself and not do anything that she'll regret later..
It's really disappointing to hear things like that, such stories i am hearing it a little more often than i like, yet i still believe these group of people are still the minority. One very pathetic commonalities among them it;s that they are so very often complaining about no true love, and love doesn't last, why this.. why that.. etc etc.. they just don't get it! how to find true love, when our self are not true? how to last when we are coveting over every new temptations given any new opportunities? Why this why that, why never ask about our own flaws and mistakes?
Everything should always start from our self! Right?!
I wish my friend well, and hope that someday she'll come to her senses, and hopefully it'll not be too late.

November Rain..

This is a friend of mine favourite song by Guns n Roses.
And what i gonna said for the following has nothing to do with the song actually, it is just that whenever i think of the song it'll remind me of that friend, he always send us a message to welcome the November Rain almost every year on the 1st of November..

So, coming to the month end, i think this is one unusual month that's full of hiccups. It is a month of disappointments and let downs, also a month of amazing grace that i experienced from God. Nope, CEA did not dropped to a miraculous level that i hoped for, but nonetheless it retreated one point to 12. Given some basic understanding of the natural of the problem, it is already quite miracle i am at where i am, i am grateful and thankful. BUT BUT.. i know and i know, full recovery will come, CEA will drop to 0, I will be healed completely sooner than later, i have change my mindset about it, it'll come fast, and i am and will stay prepared for it to take place.

I have one good day, clear some unwanted expectations, brought a friend to church, and HA... i played almost 40 mins of 'competitive football' on a friendly game with current DHS school team.
i am having a bit of pains on the kidneys, due to over strained... but nothing can describe the feelings i had when i was on the pitch. i was savouring every single minute of it in the late afternoon.
So goodbye November rain, hello charismasy December.
I am trilled to say this, life is beautiful, mine is indeed yet to begin.

Time of the month

It's conclusive, the last week of the month has become a week of anxiety, restlessness and maybe little bit bad tempered!

Unconsciously it is also a week when i become so ineffective at work that i dreaded of going to office.

This cycle has to come to an end soon, and i am looking forward to tomorrow for a good report.
Very long time ago, someone close would remember i always said with Saint Michael on my left, Saint Peter on my right, moses at my front, Jesus behind me, I am invincible! :)

Happy Thanks Giving

Can't believe how time has passed so fast... it is already going into december, and soon new year!
It is like i don;t even have timeto catch my breathe, take a kitkat, sit at the side of the spring, and worrying nothing.

I would think we are all the same creation, i.e same kind of creatures; lamenting about life, on what could be done or could have done, and the many possbilities that were left undone, that constantly bugging our mind.

It is true that we cannot do much about the past, but the experiences of failures, mistakes and many lessons should never be forgotten, else wouldn't it meant we have wasted our past years??
In Life, we all have our transitional years, hopefully so for everyone; it is when we finally wake up, took the ownership and responsibilities that have been tasked upon us and do the best we can for the present and of course the future!

Time is indeed merciless, it forgives no one, wait for no one, it is either we ride on it's wave or be prepared to sweep to the sideline and be forgotten. It is afterall, our choice to make!

Anyway, Happy Thanks Giving for all the people that loved me and those that i love!
I am thankful for the grace on my mistakes, and all the experiences that helped to shape who i am; I am thankful for today, the very moment now; I am thankful for the tomorrows, it'll be better, much better, it'll be filled with hope, love and good health.

Convinced!

Asia conference is finally over, Sat came and passsed without a bang, But very importantly, i am still on track for full recovery, i received this vision in full through out the whole week.

My dears friends, thanks for praying and fasting for me, like what i said, it did not happened with a bang, but it is still taking place right here right now. It is a process, takes a bit of time and patience, some day, soon, i will give thanks for the fruits of all you whom have laboured so hard in prayers for me! Yes soon!! i believe, so keep praying with me!

I was even more encouraged when Neo and nerissa were there to offer their support and even to offer their prayers in their own ways for me. I felt blessed, and more importantly, i have their salvation in mind whilst they have supports for me in theirs. The day will come too!

So it is a rare week where i hardly get to have a good rest, it's a week without weekends for almost all the attendees, i had hoped to attend to learn more, but physically it was just not possible.

In general, it is a great event, good conference, tonight's highlight before A.R Bernard's another mind blowing service has to be the performances of a lot of celebrities incluing JJ Lin, whom also shared the goodness of God in their life with us. It makes me feel so small, makes me wanna get healed quickly and do something, to make this life count, to be involved!!!

I am convinced of what i should do, will do, must do!

Healing

Today has finally arrived!

A year and a half back, Benny Hinns was holding his healing service at Singapore indoor stadium. I had wanted to go so much in the midst of under going treatment with chemo and radiation. a last minute virus attack, had my fever shot up to 41 degrees in 3 consecutive days in the hospital, and when i realised that what could be my 'only hope' was dashed by the fever, i was sent into a hopeless pit.

I remembered Nerissa and my mum and sisters were all there, that was the moment i can't hide my fear and hopelessness anymore, i broke down, and tears started to flow down my cheeks. I thought that even God has forsaken me, i was losing hope.

Looking back, maybe everything happened for a reason, thankfully i pulled through from the virus attack. The year long battle with CA can be exhaustive, i know i have come a long way, at the same time i have grown to learn more about God, i learnt to let go, and let God. The journey towards Him is still a long way, but i am just as thankful that i am finally on the right track.

Today has finally arrived, i am anticipating great things and miracles to happen, i am hopeful, and even while i am sitting here, it is already happening...

Nonetheless, the unchanging fact is that God is sovereign! Is grace! Is love! My faith is as small as a mustard seed still, but i believe and i know tonight it will explode!

Moving office

Come sunday, i will be moving back to Hsbc main building in raffles place.

Good, cos it is better for me ..
bad.. cos there are much more hidden cost in moving back, i have some mixed feelings about this, but all in all, of cos it is better than staying at singpost with the rest.

Oh well.. the toughest part i think is the moving, packing and then unpacking.. IT IS SO TIREDING<<<..

my heart weeps..

Asia conference has started...

Although i was late, but the whole set up and atmosphere had me blown away anyway.
Pastor today shared some insights about the different 'space' of the church world, the society, and the influential groups, and in the midst of the excitement and exuberance, through pastor, i can almost feel jesus' heart towards people, towards me.

My heart weeps, when I felt His unconditional love, especially when some friends have been telling me that they are going to fast for me on saturday.

It is only 3 more days...
I need all the help and encouragement. who else is with me?

Nerissa

I have realised that i have been blogging like a journal, i wrote my thoughts, feelings and reflections all here. There are pros and cons in doing i so i suppose, but if you really know me, then you would know that i am living an open life, i want to be! There are not things or thoughts that can't be shared although a lot of times the thoughts or emotions are just in particular for that moment, which means it dosn't carry much weight in my mind and life.
Oh well, not sure if anyone understand what i am saying, anyone?

I have been wanting to write a series of people in my life for a long time, naturally is to honour them and show my gratitue and the impact these group of people have on me.

So ladies and gentle man, allow me to introduce the most lovable Nerissa Low. My girlfriend for almost a year and a half less of the time we were apart. although we have decided to take a step back and have our own life for a while, and possibly more than one time i mentioned about the difficluties we had in our time; then again we are both flawed human beings, we made mistakes and learn from them, so this will be a page about all her goods, little interest to my dear friends, but important for me nonetheless to share my good thoughts of her.


I give her many names, wrote her love peoms for the first time of my life, a talent that i never thought i have, guess it was love that was working magic.
(and before i continue, xiaobao, u if r reading this: " We both have people made the differences in our past, we cannot deny them and we shouldn't! Honouring them, dosn't make the present less significant anyway)

Nerrisa, her frens call her Neri, but i thought it is funny, shouldn't it be Rissa? We met in the office, but there wasn't any sparks at the beginning. It was through the roadshows we did together, that her charm started to draw all my attention without me knowing. i always remembered, how i callled her the siamese cat, which is really a proud yet majestic animal, it's high class!! People with historian back ground would also link this kind of Cat to the Egytian princess. So yup, she was my Egytian princess, and all the little conversations we had then ignited my curiuosity and eventually admiration. Those days then were fun, and i always told her than that she was the refreshing wind that breathe new life into me.

I called her Rainbow, because she is like one!! and among the 7 colours, she is the purple! colourful personality, enchanting to some, mysterious to others, beautiful to me although at times it can really drive me crazy in a love spin.

I called her honey, at her best, she can melt even the Mount Everest! Yea, she is sweet, really sweet. I remembered when she knock my car onto a pillar in our old orchard office, i was really upset, but she came back with a bouquet of flowers for me!! i was blown over really.. i mean i always love flowers, so i give flowers to her quite often then, but she knows i love them too?!!!! haha... and when she was away to china, she got people sent another one to me!!! and my birthday as well!! of cos there are others too, but the three different occasions alone can really can turn me into Pooh who hug onto the honey pot.. she has been my honey pot!

Not too long ago, i called her xiao bao, namely small treasure! and this small treasure are in different forms, at times like brilliant rose that light up my day; at times like chilly red ruby that's glaring to the naked eyes; at timeslike the master piece crystal that's pure and innocent, One that lighten my load in the dark hours of the last two years, a strong and resilient pillar;
At all times, just a precious treasure in my heart.


Lately i have sumed her up, i said she is just like a innocent little girl holding onto her lovely teddy bear biscuit, and then the next moment her innocence is replaced by a greedy and monsterous look and start chewing off the teddy bear piece by piece, and when she's done, she will change into her audacious new dress, wear the Omega watch and drive her BMW convertible for a spin!!! I have probably the best fun loving roller coastal ride all these while.

My best pal lately mentioned that he know that he and gf have the differences, and also constantly at odds with each other, but he said also that above everything, they are good enough for each other and is ready to give in just to make it even better. I am deeply impressed by him really, such a maturity! :)

So Nerissa and i probably are taking a little step back, i wish it'll bear fruit when the right season comes, however it will be she will always take up a big space in my heart.

My Life Pte Ltd

Today i spend quite a while looking at photos i took from the last 5 years. it really brought back lots memories!!

CEO

In early 2005, i've decided to set up a company in my own name called "My Life Pte Ltd". Natually i am the CEO.. has to be right? I had even made 2 boxes of name cards for myself when i was in bangkok that year.It was just one of the many false starts for the last 5 years?Why did i say false start? instead of fresh start?

The Beginning

Back then i was still fresh from a major shock in life in 2004 when i was first diagnosed to have colon cancer... I was in shock when the doctor revealed it to me and my family. Cancer is a term that i had never imagined that i will ever have the need to understand.. least to experience it on myself. Maybe it was just me, i did not cry or go into panic.. especially the rest of my family were in a devastating state. I did not want them to worry more. i went into silence. Reassured them i'll be fine and went for a walk on my own.

i didn't call eileen, gf since i was in secondary 4, I was a little disappointed that she could not be with me there and then, but it was i whom reassured her that i would be ok anyway.. I fell into self dependant mode, and maybe even more so of a protectitive mode, i just don't want people that i love to worry about me.

As i walked.. i called Heng, who has always been my best pal.. he was playing with alicia at sentosa when i called... I didn't know what to say.. but when i blur out the word cancer, tears almost dropped off my eyes.. at that point i knew i am almost breaking down.. it was a brief conversation before i continue to take my walk. Somehow i just thought that i can find a way out .. and there was this little voice in me that tells me everything will turn out fine.

"Childhood sweetheart "
(eileen and i do not exactly grow up together, but it felt the same way to me)

That day passed fast, what followed was a drastic operation to remove 90% of colon that kept me 2 days in ICU and 7 days in hospital. it was scary.. painful.. unforgettable... nonetheless for an operation like that i think i almost make history by getting out of hospital that fast.

I was almost in coma in the first two days, yet the deepest memory i have over the two days was how i stretched out for eileen's hand after i am out of the operation theatre, and how her faintest voices accompany me through out my unconsious period. I thought her voices was the one that kept me alive for the two days in ICU, in an exagerated fashion la, not like i was literally dying but it was critical anyway.
As a couple then, we had our issues that were hard to resolve, but that experience closed up all the gap. I was so looking forward to plan for futures together then after i recovered. But life is never smooth sailing, early 2005 she decided to further her studies in london and of cos to 'escape' her problems at home. Very soon, the relationship had come to a road block, and could not continue, we cried, hugged and part our path for a life of our own in different land. It was a happy ending, and she remains a closed friend since then.So much back ground of how this company of mine is found. :)

Fresh Start

After almost 8 years, a path on my own was tough and lonely. I was still in the Air force, and half way through my degree, i was my own cheer leader through out. I told myself dozens of time then that life has yet to begin, i need to pull it through!The whole journey that period was easily forgettable, nothing exciting happended.. it was quite a mistake i think, because i was so eager to get over it, i forgot the importance of the journey.. which is what matters most. it's regretable that i can't really recall much fond memories in the walk on my own, i could have done much better.. enjoy the days better, loving life more.

Early Warning

Fast forward to end 2005, it was probably already a bad sign when the routine check up showed my CEA was rising. It was devastating, yet the non conclusive find outs by my doctor quickly brushed the matter under the floor matt.

I moved on and continue to search for the life i want, the lingering fear at the same time drove me away from God. I thought i was never that close anyway. i was getting tired of all the bad news and experiences since i came to know God. I was blaming Him subconsciously in everything. All the teachings were indeed good, but when God isn't making a difference, i thought it's time to lead a life on my own without all the invisible bindings... and so i did..even though again there's this little voice inside me keep bugging me... i could not figure out what it is then, and naturally the voiced was drowned off by me.

New beginning

That year in late 2005, i joined Hsbc, met new friends, i felt released and relieved.. and most of all happy, or was i? The new chapter in life was all good, everything seems good and beautiful. I love my new job and was doing exceptionally well, the colleagues and working environment were all too good to be true, and i was fit and healthy. Everything was going so well that lead me to write on my wall that "life has just begin, sky is the limit". Yet there's still the very small voice in me that's seeking to fill the forgotten void and emptiness...

2nd Spring

Then Nerissa came into the picture in early 06, we started to date, and dispite all the differences and oppositions from fellow colleagues, we got together anyway. I knew there were reasons why friends in the office were so against the idea of her and i becoming an item, there were lots of stories and gossips. And what initially was once a fairy tale working environment, no thanks to all the gossips that had poisoned every good things i initiallly adored, and soon enough i witnessed all the divides and politics that followed till today.

oh well, i should have known it when i first joined.. so i decided to drift away from the office politics and of course to stay out of trouble. It became so evident that the office is just another worldly place, people there just don't get it, the apparent favourite past time is gossips and more gossips. And because i was doing well, naturally i became a topic as well. it was a shame, more so a disappoitment to me.

And then the little voice in me once again pop up to encourage myself, and also trying to tell me more.. but i still could not get what it was trying to say. Well affected maybe, but i moved on and continued to do what is right and proper at work, and when i made the conscious choice of ignoring the negative stuffs, i was happy again and also thankful that i've got a gf to share my life then.

Relationship

It wasn't the happiest relationship one can get or hope for, we were always quarelling and at odds with one another. And just when we were turning the corner in the relationship after touring europe in december 06, i got another shock in jan 07.. cancer is back and this time it was much worse than the previous time. I choosed to opt for chemo and radiation treatment subsequently, the side effects of the treatment threatened to burn my brain and the uncontrollable loss of fluids had me hospitalised for 3 weeks.

At the same time, all of the troubles at the same time was taking it's toll on the realtionship. For all her capacity, i knew she had been doing her best to cope. But i knew she wasn't coping well, i can almost empathise with her, she was just unlucky to be my gf.. i wasn't bitter, just feeling sorry for her.. so in the end we broke up in late 07... but our story did not end there... some twist and turns with dramatic episodes in between, she told me i am the one for her, and i was grateful for her support plus i did saw the genuine love she had for me...

Unfortunately the got back together turn out to be really short lived; many incidents, events and differences, we had finally decided to part our ways before her birthday. But strange thing happened, i found myself buying a really beautiful watch from Omega for her. I can't really explain why, cos i'll never splurge something like that on myself; but my friend A said it is love, i guess so, else why would i do it?

There were no confrontations and quarrels, i remembered i said staying apart from each other will be good, and i am going to use a year or so to have my life back on track.. i said i want to take a spiritual journey that's been calling for so long.

The final episode

To be fair, given her capacity, she had probably done what she could for me, and i'll never take that away from her. Crisis in life will either bond or divide people, in this i suppose the later is the case. It was possibly wrong season for her or me or both. i don't think i am happy about it in this issue,i can't deny the disappointments, but it is so much easier to just let it go than harping on the differences. most importantly, i am happy it has finally come to a good ending or sorts, and that we are still great friends or sorts, as if there's a possibility we'll ever get back together after 1 year, i mean who knows right? only time will tell, but looking at all the photos we've taken together for the past two years, i actually hope so...

Updates

Last month's appointment did not turn out too well, CEA went up a point instead. Phew .. what can i said..just when i thought i am on track to defeAt this demon, another set back? i dont think so, andi think i know what went wrong.

I have increased the xeloda intake by one in the morning... namely chemo pill, it is also a poison that weakens my immune... but so far the past few weeks have been good. i am defitely getting better, i can smell it..

The little voice

Through this blog, i have mentioned the little voice a few times. and it has voiced out everytime when i am in need, in trouble, making mistakes and at a loss.

However i wish to ignore it, it is alway there. I guess i have one thousand reasons not to believe there's a God;
My experiences and set backs can easily made me even bitter towards Him, especially since the day i walked into church in sec 4, there are like endless troubles that keep coming to me one after another.Yet the little voice in me keep leading me back to God.

And i am going to receive a miracle in 5 days.

Pray with me all my angels.

sleepless night

Yesterday was actually a good day of rest, had a good workout although it took me like alost 1 hour to find a parking lot.
The morning's live web cast on service had a strong impact on me; i was reminded of how far i have come to since last year. Be it work, relationship or health, nothing was exactly going my way. I am forced to eat my humble pie, to realise my own limitation, and to let go and let God, all in all, from jan 07 to almost coming to an end of 08, this whole journey looked really tough yet transforming, maybe, just maybe, years down the road i might look back and see this as a transition period that tototally change my life for good.
Then night time, i was looking thru the photos that i took at various places from tokyo to niagra fall and santorini. From all the pictures, i can only see happy faces and loving friends, it somehow overshadows all the troubles that i have. so i am thinking i am actually having a good yearthan lots of people out there, ironic maybe, but it definitely appears so.. to me as well of cos.
Finally the night ended with a telephone conversation that probably led to a sleepless night; I felt let down, and disappointment set in naturally. It would be millions times better if i am just told another conversation is in place... well i did not want to spoil the fun, n happily ignore it.
Truth never hurt, why???? i guess its old habit dies hard ba. So i twist and turn, the different kind of emotions had me sleepless till like 4am.. man it was torturing.. it is just me.. i feel stupid and silly.
Thankfully i have managed to push my appt today to a later time, and i have 5 days to prepare for a miracle, it is going to be really really important, i cannot be distracted.

known and unknown

Mr Donald Rumsfeld said this.

'As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know.

'We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know.

'But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know.'

Change!

Thank God Obama won the race to be the next president of America.

All credits to Mr John McCain, at 72, he definitely puts a lot of us to shame in many ways. But i guess it is just not meant to be, this world dosn't need a war hero now, we need a reformist.

Although far away from SG, the whole campaign have captured the attention world wide. I was following the news this whole morning when i was in the gym doing workout, scenes of people overwhelmed with emotions when news that Abama won was clearly captured by the camera man.

One black elderly was seen tearing with joy. Yet from the very brief moment, i could almost see his pain and joy at the same time through his eyes. Racism is still a problem everywhere in the world, but now we have a black man who is going to be the most powerful man in this planet, it clearly signals a new era, a victory for all man kind. From the very beginning, skin color should never matter, we are all born equal, all wonderful creation of God.

Today is a day that's worth remembering, together we will embrace a better world for all people, it is time for change, time to eradicate racism.

the 3 'I's

e Innovator,
e Imitator
e Idiots

be it human behaviour, or creativitiy... it is not hard to sum all of us up isn't it?

another month

Somehow time just fly by... another month has passed.
i am going back to see doc simon tomorrow. Last month the CEA din dropped.. this time however it must drop. it should drop.. to some extend, i believe it will.

Cherish life

Life is short, we must cherish the people around us. sounds familiar?
I've just watched an episode of TVB drama, where one bad yet rich guy just learn that he's got a terminal brain cancer. his world collapse, but at the same time it also reminded him of his love one whom actually love another guy. it's a bit complicated, but well it does reminded me of myself.
Time flies, for the past few years, it had been shock after another.. the postive side of it is that i have grown stronger, and definitely realise the importance of people around me. And i would want to hold on to this 'revealation' always.
Actually, i would think that life does not really need shocks to cherish life right? Maybe it's all the hours of routines, works etc that kept us too busy and make us lose our way?
On this i guess those with God, or has God as their refuge and shelter definitely will fare better than those who does not. It's assuring to know there is always someone to lean on when situation gets out of control, when we are helpless right?
i am digressing.. well anyway, the lesson today is that we all should cherish our parents, family, friends who love us and every little thing that counts as important.

Star of Soloman

I believe they is probably only one person on this planet other than myself knows that soloman is a name i had given to myself a few years back.

Although Jerome is the name my tuition teacher gave me when i reached singapore decades ago; i seem to have this habit of using other names outside especially dealing with strangers. Among many other names that i had used periodically since primary school like peter in primary 4 (cos i really really like Peter Pan the show); Alex was the name i used when i worked part time as waiter in lower sec.. Larson when i was working in the night club as a waiter.. Harry, mark and josepth is used by me cheney and Heng whenever we met new girls..( ha those were the funniest time)... and finally My GP teacher in TPJC gave the name Leonardo, i was totally flattered cos i am such a fan to Di Caprio..

just a little back ground. years passed.. many things happened, then i came across the bible (thankfully), and God.. i come to know about Soloman, son of David, man of wisdom. In the deepest part of my heart, i had since yearned to be like Soloman. I never really tell anyone, cos it is someone i wish i can become and yet knowing i am still too far off the mark...

I came across the a pendant of the star of soloman at Santori, i bought it and kept in my drawer untill two days back i took it out and pondering if it is time to 'wear it' on, but if i do so, then i'll really have to make up my mind and do the 'right' things now... i am still divided on this.

Lately many issues had popped up.. i guess it was old problems that never really sorted out.. or rather maybe i was just consciously ignoring all the warning signs....

oh well ...

From a boy to man, i have made many mistakes and also learnt many lessons. Besides my selfless family, the good teachings from church, guidance from God, all the good and bad experiences had shaped my charactor and life. I take pride in which that i have been living a life like an open book since. I understood there is never a stone that'll not be unturned, therefore lying have been a real taboo to me and naturally i detest lies as well.
I learnt not to be so judgemental, and missing my own faults. After all, using our own yard stick to measure others, doesn't it also expose the very shortfall of our own yardstick???
I guess we don't have to keep telling people of who we are or how are, actions and endurance of time is the best limus test.
Before we even open our mouth and question other's charactor or integrity, some self examinations should be done on our own; Busy looking out faults of others, yet missing the overflowing can of worms and maggots rotting within oneself distant genuine love, friends and invites only bitterness and hypocrites.

I recognise there'll always be frictions and differences between people, and i would like to think the only way to bridge the Gap is to use one ONLY STANDARD code of conducts and values for measuring others and also for ourself. Let's be critical of ourself and be graceful to others.

In short:
If we dislike lying, don't lie.
If we want transparency, then stop hiding unpleasant secrets.
If we want trusts, earn it. and when we have it, dun abuse it.
WE always talk about privacy, i would think this only meant the space to do our own stuffs alone, own time and space, but not abuse it and doing something funny to exploit the trust and respect. ( I love my own space and privacy, but when it's openned up, it'll still be blameless and accountable)

i am easily curious but yet not ''kay bo''.
i am the biggest believer in truth.. and it'll never hurt when it's blameless. secrects are always self exposed, by natural or by divine.
I could have opened up the intentional 'hideouts' since a few months ago. There are many reasons why i did not, mainly because i am too afraid to lose what has been so imporant. And i guess star of soloman must be shining on me too,( i would like to think this way), i did not and choose not to. I stay away from it knowing i should this way. Funny thing is in the end, what's hidden was brought to light, what's unknow is known anyhow, and what's known is enough for thorough self reflection.

Murmuring to third party will only further strain any good relationship.
well, i choose, (not much a choice) instead to walk on to go near to the Star of Soloman. one step at a time, someday, i'll make it Star of my own..
And just may if it's ever possible, Hopefully God permits, i can be the Star!
Life is tough, then again it is so that we always become better... and never bitter!

Back

i feel like i have been away for a long time.

After coming back from greece, aside from the exhaustion from all the trip, i have been busy trying to make up for the time loss and reconditon the body right. The trip to doc simon for the bood test result was disappointing, the CEA did not dropped... and i probably saw it coming since i wasn't feeling better from the previous month. Anyway, i have decided to stay away from trips for a while.

I stayed quiet, went on to look for a way out.

And then this financial crisis takes the headline almost everyday, which also means work probably consumed more than the ideal amout of energy that's available.
Thankfully, although all areas are not fantastic, but still good enough to live with.
My physical condition will only improve with time although its slower than i want it to be.. but it's oki.. i'll have patience.

One very important lesson i leart from all these years of mistakes, no matter how tough the time is, i will still take joy in every little things in the journey to the goal.
:)

Financial Crisis!?!

By now, anyone who breathes would have known from the news how bad the markets are doing all across the globe. And usually what follows will be recession.. although some are calling it the Deep Depression II...

I am not going to write too much about it, since it is already all over the news paper and internet. What i do remember is that from the last really big crisis in 1997 to the 9/11 to the SARS.. every single time the market and the economy always come back up and much higher than the previous highs.
And there's an old saying that's worth mentioning, the bigger the crisis, the even bigger opportunity arises. It takes a brave soul to say this in the mist of all the turmoil, when hundreds of billions are all washed down together with the market tumbles, BUT i am brave, so i guess i am eligible to say this. Haha.. so of course, my two cents worth are much more than this, if you are my client, we'll meeting soon to reposition your fiancial goals in the sea of new found opportunities. If you are not, i guess there's no better time to become one! no joke, i am serious!
haha.. man, i like this way of marketing!

F1

Formula 1 is singapore...
Although i am not a fan, somehow the hype has rub off on me somehow. Hearing so many people talking about it, especially those ticket holders.. somehow i just dun like the feeling of not able to be one of those ticket holders... maybe the glamour of first night race in the world has indeed it's attractiveness, and when it is on our own natioal soil, the more i should not have missed it the coming weekend. .. BUT i dun have the tickets.. so looks like i gonna find a way to see it somehow.. the worst would be watching it on the TV.

It took me more than half an hour driving in circles to manage to have my hair cut at suntec. although it really frustrate me how all the road blocks are getting in my way, but i have to salute the nation's effort in preparing for the Night race. By merely driving around outside the actual race roads, i can almost sense the excitement that's to come... fast cars, race babes.. and the energy the whole place transmits. i am sure it will be really spectacular!!

Anyway, it is another month from the last check up. i went for my blood test again today, so tomorrow's visit to Doc Simon will be just as importance as the previous session. CEA must come down!!! I am postitive!

Pray with me angels. :)

Wed's night!

It's weds' night, what would a normal person do at this hour?

I would think a normal singaporean would be slacking on his sofa after one day's hard work. As for me, this is just like any other night, sitting on my machine, doing the daily regime that's required for better health.

The trip to greece especialy Santorini is fantastic, but i guess it was a little bit too long for me, i have missed 10days from my regime. It's really bad... after i came back last friday, i have been busy trying to recondition my body right. and i guess i will stay away form trips for a while, in fact ecerything else can wait, but my regime needs consistency to maximise the good effect.

Anyway, while i was in greece, looking at all the 3000 years old ruins like temples etc did provoke some really deep thoughts... whilepeople who are familiar with history will know how civilisation spread from the east to the west.. and while the once grand and majestic temples and struture ruins i had witness at Athens are still an attraction that marvels anyone who visits, it also reminded me how everything else will fade away but God's word will always remain true.

Some how, I just felt enormous amount of love and affections by God, family and friends through out the trip. Truth is, despite of all the troubles, i am blessed! Above every good things, i am so thankful for the clarity of mind, that i am abled to stand above all the difficulties.

Packing for Greece

I have used the whole morning packing for Greece.

Gone are the days when i can just easily dump some essentials into the luggage bag, and off i can go.

It is the third trip of the year, and each time i have to pack literally everything i am using and eating here into the luggage. it is really a hassle, and i guess i am also asking for it since i can always say no to all the travels. But all the trips from company to japan, toronto and athens are all hard to resist; and surprisingly i always got better after the last two trips, so i would think this greece trip will do the same.

i guess taking my mind off from the problems i have definitely help to calm my inner soul.
Getting away from the daily chores in singapore, Seeing beautiful scenaries and people, amazed by God's wonderfully creations all rejuvenate my spirit.

I am looking forward to beautiful athens and santorini...but before that i will have to endure the 15 hours flight by turkish air.. and mentioning turkish air is something i really can't understand, why in the world Hsbc has to stinge on this!! The new management is more and more unbecoming! This is totally not acceptable! It has always been SQ or Cathay... tsk..
Anyway, i'll just hope it is going to be better than i thought, i have set my expectation really low, so hopefully the jurney won't be too bad.

Still have some more packings to do, have to make sure i bring along all the pills..

The real battle starts from now ..

I have wanted to blog this since last fri after seeing my doctor. I was caught in a mixed feeling about what i am in now.

Hmm.. it is actually good news, my doctors, sisters nerissa and i, we were all relieved to know that the CEA has dropped by 5 points from 17... it was all smiles from Doctor Simon when he told me the news. I was shouting halleluyah within.. and at the corner of my eyes, i saw tears were welling up in my sisters eyes... they should know better. from the beginning of the year untill now, they've witness how i struggled to find the right mixed of treatments... from the impossibles to the first sign of improvement, and bwtween these two years, on top of being my pillar of supports, they have also raised up 3 babies. I think i have been really lucky, i have probably the most classic family ties in act.

The moment of joy only lasted a few seconds, the months ahead are still a tough battle, and it weighs on my shoulder heavily for the past few days. i didn't want to talk about this actually. I guess after such a long haul, it is only normal i am feling tired and 'weak' within, especially knowing that this will take quite a bit of time to get 'it' totally out of my system.
I don't really have a word to describe all the mixed feelings; but i know this is only temporary. I NEED to keep doing the right things, stay on this regime, and stay out of the distractions.

Like what i have said so many times, too much is at stake! I have come so far, i will keep going! i am going to win this!

2 months

2 months is exactly how long i have been on a this 'complete' regiment with chemo pills.
i am feeling a bit nervous .. just a bit.

Tomorrow's blood test and friday's consultation with my doctor to come will be really crucial, and blood test, CEA indicator must come down!!!!

Last two weeks i have to admit that i have not been at the peak of conditioning my body, but things are improving, i am happier, of cos nerissa is the chief architect of building it. :)
anyway, i suspect i had probably injured myself within, i saw blood stains in the urine. This is actually quite normal, since i have two stems in the kidney still, any strain will cause it to bleed.. but probaly also because the test date is so near, seeing blood is making myself uneasy... just a bit!

Lately i have been keeping a prayer constantly in mind, i'll pray: Lord Lord, this life is yours, this body is also yours, help me to help myself. Build me up, build me strong, bless me with good health to live long. :)

headache...

Recent activities have probably taken a strains to my nerve.
although i have to admit, some are really self invited.. so there are probably no one to blame ba.

I remembered long ago, whenever i am troubled i would always turn to an old friend who is really thousands of miles away, and i guess that the long distance has somehow reduced my emotional dependence. But but that is not to say that i am all alone, i still have many... and really if you are reading this and often receive a call from me when i am lamenting about life, this friend love you a lot! haha ...

i am getting a bit of headache these two days.. some legal issues has surfaced and getting some friends unnecessarily involved, the balancing act of getting the case move on smoothly without affecting the relationship is proving harder than it is.
I was really appaled when the accused's gf were unnecesarily getting my friends in the office implicated in it, without even considered putting their interest in her mind... i guess her love has blinded her, at the expense of the many of her mentors and friends. Is it an act of love? or an act of selfishness? or a conflict of interest? In anyway, her meeting with me to established her stand simply illustrated how stupid she and the accused are. i mean i would thought seeking to talk to me with urgency today, should be seeking some form of solution, instead of trying to show me how tough they are and how selfish they are ready to implicate my friends in the office.. ridiculous...
i think i have probably done my best in making sure the least damage is done.
and i am releasing myself from all of it, office 'politic' is not my cup of tea, only friends that i care about!

Finally the last missing piece

Today i have received a call from my Tcm professor, who is my doctor, and now well i guss we talk so much more that i can call him a friend already, the only pity is that i still gotta pay for all the consultation fees.. haha just joking!! rightfully so la, just like how i am paid when i do financial planning for all my friends.

Professor Huang is actually very well known to many people, and he is the first among the many tradiional chinese medicine doctors i have seen who really understands what i was saying.
A little introduction here: Professor Huang is also made in china just like me! haha.. but he's much more capable of course. He was trained to be a doctor in china, and that also means before he chose to specialise in TCM, he had to learn both trades in western medicine and TCM. So that explains why he is a much better grade above the rest of the TCM community here.

So anyway back to the call he made, over the phone he just informed me that he managed to slash the price of a machine from a local distributor for me. From around non bargainable $7k, i am gonna get it at $6200. Seriously even by my standard, it is really costly.. and i really appreciate him for saving the few hundreds for me.. like i said, when things are tight, every dollars counts.

My very expensive medical regime has one more bulk item to the list.. and i would say this will be the final piece, the missing piece to get the remaining job done, get rid of the CA cells by the roots. With it, the list will include the western medicines, the Tcm, the natural therapy, the comprehensive range of suppliments..and the machine will offer the advantage of high electric, magnetic, heat and infrared energy sources to influence the body energy balance.
Things have been improving bit by bit, although it is still quite unstable, any sway of external or internal 'peace' would easily upset the progress, with the machine i believe it is gonna 'round' things up nicely. And don;t worry, it is proven science i am buying, one that's tested and approved to be effective in improving body wellness, just that in my case, add up with all that i have been doing, it will become the lethal weapon carrying out the final 'assault' on the stubborn CA cells.

I am going to win this!

Couch..TV.. Olympic

It's sunday again, there were lots of excitement before the game of table tennis final between singapore and china. Literally every singaporean that i know were talking about it, and of course all of us were hoping that Team singapore can create surprise by beating China.
In the end, China won the gold, but the sparring for the whole one and half hour really captured the whole nations heart and soul.. i think.. at least that happened to my family members.

It's really quite amazing, even my father who is hardly a sports fan, not least to table tennis, could come up many comments and theories. Interesting is if you know about my family background, we are all made in china!!! I supposed from all the cheering of supports to Team singapore, i would say after 2 decades plus, we have all become the true blue singaporeans. Everyone one of us! And rightfully so, this family of mine has bear fruits by adding 4 new members through my three siblings, my 4 nephews and niece; the eldest of the four is the not so 'cute' pretty Adoncia from my brother, the singing dancing joel and four month old Jovia from Dajie, and the roundest cutest Bryan whom i face everyday.

Man U game is playing behind me, and i am getting really distracted.
I have probably spend the whole day at home after church. What should be an eventful day, in the end, my lack of mood lead me to cancel my meet ups with my friends one by one from the afternoon... and i realise how hard it was to move myself once i sunk onto the Sofa, somehow i just refused to get up, i guess it was also a reflection of my inner being; down, deflated and just need to 'rest'..
Man U is calling me... back to Couch.. today i belong to the couch, TV and Olympic, i mean man u.. :P

Trapped

Life is never smooth sailing... i mean who doesn't know it?

Went back to office today, the air in there was stale and can possibly suck away all my energy? or it is probably just because i am feeling down?
My temporary secretarial helper informed that once again she was asked to stopped from doing any of my work... My immediate response was disbelief, and that immediately turned into an embarrassment, and naturally followed with disappointment that i was not even informed first instead..
By right, i should be also taking revision for a financial paper now, but the notes were taken away from the owner yesterday, so even though i was confident enough to have it passed on the first time, but without the notes, i guess turning up for the exam tomorrow morning will be in vain.
By default, both the notes and the temp help were both not mine in the first place, it is only right when it was taken away. But i am still in total disbeliefs and in total disappointment...
Out of nothing, a simplest unhappiness can just throw away everything, never mind of the the consequences??? in Spiderman, we know that with greater power comes greater responsibilty; but in this scenarios, is it wise to place any importants into his hands???
The struggles between the head and heart is driving me to severe headaches again...

I remembered in the mist of my disappointments yesterday, i was still trying to make sure the plans which are not my business went on smoothly; it was out of love, and out of obligation. After the final piece falls into the jigsaw puzzle, it will be time to take a long leave to focus on my recovery, i must! and should!!!
It will not be fair to say that no one cares, my family and closed friends and angels are always here for me, but i need to put aside the distractions that are making me unwell and unhappy, i need to be responsible to God, my family and definitely myself.

well, tomrrow will be a better day. gotta rest and see my TCM professor in the morning to come.

hello world ..

hello hello...
It's been a really hollow day, it seems everything has come to a stop, i can't hear anything, see anything..so deadly quiet that i can't help but to say hello to myself.

Where do i begin?
how should it end?
or should it be started right from the beginning?
could it be put to rest now?

I was bombarded with screams and abusive words, questioning my attitude?
i found it really ironic, how do we get someone to talk, when we are screaming?
A muted response invited even more screams and shouts and this also equate to bad attitude??
sigh.. what a tragic...
and then a very angry middle finger was thown at me before the whole episode ended!!!
unthinkable... it was done with so much hatred and anguish, after all the good works that i've done?
incredible!
I have no idea how would anyone react in a situation like this?
If this is just betw friends, then probably that would be the end of the friendship?
What if it's someone close like a famly member??

On top of all the screams, some unimaginable words of sorts was blurred out... and it keep lingering at my ears ..

My heart sunk, so low that it has left a void...

How this might play out is really a tireding issue, i dread of it...
can this day be a nightmare i can wake up from?

But now i can only feel my heart has sink so deep and far.....

Truth never hurt

I always know that nothing beats the truth; and all the years of character moulding at home and from church taught me great deals of being earnest and honest...

Last night an incident happended, i tried to brush it aside on the first instant on the rationale that it will invite nothing but silly questions and maybe a little unhappiness? Just like the chinese saying of paper can never hold the fire, or something more familiar that i learn from the bible that no stone will left unturned. My little efforts of concealing something that's really nothing got exposed, and matter of fact is i was so concious of what it could brings and thus spoiling a good day, i have not a good look at the whole 'thing' myself. It is really such a bad joke i had pulled on myself, till now i am still feeling sore of my own stupidity!

Why did i forget!!??
Very often i witnessed people making mistakes by saying a few white lies to have an easier way out, but very soon found theyselves telling more of it and thus creating cracks and hurts between their relationships with people.
Life's motto should always be a transparent sheet, have a clear concience, thus we will all have a happier self, family and friends.

Last night's incident is a reminder, a sign, that no matter what happens, i shall never take the easier way out. if i need to explain, i will explain, if i need to pause the feel good factors, so be it, i'll have it paused. brushing things aside does not not help, saying a white lie is even worse and out of character, when incidents happen i should and will take up the responsibilties to have it sort out. This is clearly a reminder and indication to stay close to God's straight and narrow path, for without all His teachings and wisdom, i am nothing but like the ash.

So this is it, thankfully for the gentler reminder. i have peace within once again; and with God's help, last night's small hipcupp is going to be the only one off event. :)
cheers! anyone? :)

31st of July

Today marked the end of july. It is really quite a month, comparatively eventful than the months before for 2008.
So what happened?
I have been on the new regime with the chemo pill for almost the whole month, thankfully, all is well, i did not experience any forms of severe side effects except the headache that knock me out for 4days. Tomorrow's visit with my doctor will most likely going to conclude that the i have reached the maximum dosage for now, so that means it'll be 2 tablets for another month. I believe that the full blood count tomorrow will also show healthy readings.

July also marked with new exercise like swimming, treats at nice restaurants with nerissa, watching batman, and most interestingly, i managed to work and closed a case just yesterday! I'll be working more coming month, the main reasons, 1. i am bored and restless; 2. very obvious la, i am feeling very poor. The expensive medical regime is taking a toll, and i am getting a bit uneasy about it really. And of cos, above all, i'll listen to my body closely.

Most importantly, it is a time for thanks giving, I thank God, and there are always my family and closed friends, the humans, the beasts, the plants, the sky, the oceans and the very air that i am breathing now, all are good, all are beautiful, that tomorrow's dream is still real, still wonderful.

Succession Planning

It's friday! i think everyone likes friday. And time really pass fast, even when i have been spending most of my time at home.
I have just finished reading an article on Forbes talking about changes and succession plans in the well known companies like Apple, Microsoft and Oracle. Names like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates or even Larry Ellision are familiar big shots in the respective comapnies. All of them have built an empire that generate revenues more than some countries whole year GDP.
By now it is no longer news that Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to pursue loftier goals at his foundation, and he has Steve Ballmer to take over the leadership of the company, and that is succession planning.
Reading this article trigger a thought! what about my succession planning?
Nah, i am not talking about who'll take over my business since i have none. i am thinking about having a family, continuing my blood line? From early adulthood, the idea of forming a family of my own is already sunk deep within me. i can often imagine to have a beautiful wife, a charming little prince and precious little Summer in a designed home of my own. It is a beautiful picture!
And i have even gotten the name for daddy's little girl long long tme ago... haha.. i am weird, that's nerrisa's favourite description of me!

i am not sure if my own father had ever thought of the same things when he was my age, and if i resembled his boy of his dreams, one he's proud to carry his blood line.


At times on the side of the reservoir, i will drift into the future; with a house on the pool side or facing the sea, telling stories to my boy, impart all that i know to him and horse ride my Summer around the sofa ...
:)

Head breaker

The title sounded a bit too strong, but it was exactly how i felt yesterday evening.
I had a hard time concentrating on my test i had to take before that, my mind just keep going to blanks.. And i should have heed the sign and go home, but no, i was still my usual self, i tried to shake it off and went ahead to meet a client at bedok...
The headache kept getting worse and naturally i had started to doubt my wisdom of coming down to meet him, i should not have really! And the better thing to do is to cancell another appointment at AMK after that, and by this time i had realised i am in trouble, it was already too late. The heavy trafic home did not help my situation, i was feeling so sick that i had thoughts of pulling to the side and rest... i thought of calling for help, i thought of nerissa, i thought of calling mr phey...
but i kept holding on, i knew if i dun get home to lie down, then the next thing will hapen probably will be the ambulance coming for me...
Never in my memory had i experience a headache that's so excruciating, so tormenting, it was almost like trying to split my head..
I had managed to reach home myself at about 8pm, i was feeling nauseas, and a little feverish; i probably dropped dead on my bed for an hour or so....
This is truly a scary experience! My head still feel a bit drowsy. I am not sure if all these recent hipcups could be due to the chemo drug... it is quite likely i supposed.. which means i have probably reached the dosage limit... or could it be other causes? like maybe i should still wait a bit more to even work a little?
sigh... it is really hectic to do all the guessings.. at times i would wonder that if i am medically educated, i would not be having such a difficult time here.

Poor monday

Today i feel poorer,
maybe something is lost, or that something is missing?
what should be a good day, in the end the rain ruined my day altogether...
i din get to exercise, plus the lack of inner peace, today marked the poorest day i had for a very long time.
It's really strange, but my body has become a symbol of emotional well being as well. and to stay strong, that means i have to stay on the top of the game all the time.
It is actually quite a tall order, especially when external factors are often the determinants of the inner peace; nonetheless, it's my battle, i just have to deal with it.

Good morning world

It's sat morning! and the sun is good for some work out...
i am feeling abit relieve from last night's discomfort... maybe it was the double dosage that is taking effect? There was this burning sensations on both my kidneys or the tummy, which is which, it's hard to differentiate...
Bad memory of the last year resurfaced again. I was hospitalised for 3 weeks, had a virus attack that shoot my body temperature up to 41 degrees for concecutive 3 days; in short it almost kill me...
The thoughts of the same side effects scare me to my bones. In my distress i called up to God in my semi-conciousness.. and thankfully the next moment i openned up my eyes i felt normal again.
It is still too early to determine if the chemo pills are too high a dosage to take, i need to try another one or two nights.. hopefully everything will be well, and that last night's discomfort is just one-off event.

Plan for the day is to do some cycling, go swimming, watch movie and then got a wedding dinner AGAIN to attend.

so good day world.
p/s and happy birthday to charlie's angel eng. :)

On my own... ...

Do you have a day that goes smoothly, yet there is an unspoken heaviness in your heart...

I have one today.
nothing really unusual, except that i woke up three times last night...
very early in the morning, i went to the market with mum and bought 9 fishes to release into the reservoir. There is a saying that we'll be blessed for giving the fishes a second chance of living. but don't ask me why 9, or if i really believe in it; nonetheless, it is something i am very happy doing it.
And so, when i release them into the water, the fishes linger around my area for a while untill slowly they started exploring deeper into the waters... there is this feel good factor that i can't really explained, but anyhow i did make a wish there...

After the resevoir, i have to head home to rest, and because of the bad night, i went into quite a deep sleep untill 1pm... and i was equally glad that a friend tesxed me that she won't be able to visit me at the office..somehow today i just want to be left alone..

At 2pm, i stepped on my bike and decided to go for a ride to where i released the fishes.
Cycling has become an important routine for me to sweat it out, without so, my strange body system will break down and end up with more diarrheas.. but withit comes the strains, and i will have a little bleedings inside which is really a better choice if u were to ask me.

so anyway, i reached the the spot where i release the fishes, it shouldn't be a surprise that the fishes will not be around anymore, but i am still a little disappointed.
So i probably stood there for another 30 mins, suddenly the heaviness sets in, and i just could not shake it off..
i guess it could be the uncertainties that are weighing me down; and i have to admit at times like this i will be really envious of another form or simpler life. sometimes i will think it is really tough to be me... then again, it must be tougher to be my mother. Her exasperation and frustration with my predicament, and at the same time she'll have to deal with my nonsense all the time.. seriously, without her, i would not be able to focus on my recovery at all. And for all her selflessness and sacrifice, she is my best mother needless to say!

I think it is very easy to fall into an emotional trap, or sentimental trap whichever is the right description; and as i write this i have to remind myself that alot is at stake, i need to quickly bring myslef out of it, things can only get better isn't it?

Yup it'll be better!!! it is comfirmed by God, me myslef and i! so i do get alot of support here even when i am on my own. 3 cheers!! hip hip hurray, hip hip hurray!! :)

Good habits and Bad habits

Ever since i am back from toronto, that even though i on more medication than before, but i have been feeling better.. although my body weight do not gain in reflection of that. but it's oki, my pririty is to get well, and get fatter later.

So coming friday i will be visiting my doctor again, and most likely will be increaing his chemo dosage from one to two tablets for the next two weeks.

And before i forget, i just want to remind myself of something i learn on sunday at Batam.

A very wise man, who is also a good friend, good colleague and widely respected manager at my office has been a great helper to me. And not surprisingly, he was also leading some charitable work to batam, but for some reason there were short of helpers last sunday, and so i enlisted myself to help.

Overall i don't think we really did a lot, it would be a easy task if i were to be fitter of course. Nothing realy strike an impression when we were there at the village except the few gigling children that i took with my camera.

We ended our mission there at around 5pm, what i really learnt was a story told by Mr choe.

There were just 5 of us, choe and meng, me and nerissa, plus a friend of Mr choe, whom is supposely quite a racist against the non-chinese.How he ended up with us at helping the Batam villagers was because of a classic story Choe used to convinced him.

"there was this enlightend wise man meditating on the river side, and he saw a scorpion was drowning in the river, being kind hearted, he tried to help, but each time he tried to handle it, it got stinged; the disciples asked the master why he bothered to even try since the scorpion will always keep stinging his hands, but he explained that the scorpion has a bad habit of stinging people, and he himself has a good habit of helping others, so why would he give up his good habit for someone with bad habits? .... "

Choe did not finish the story if eventually the scorpion got tired of stinging the hand that is trying to save him, but whatever grief his friend had against the muslims apparently disappeared at that very moment of hearing the above story, and he was there to help them anyway. :)

i have learn much too. So never give up our good habits for someone with bad habits!!

My Prayer

The lord is my shepherd, i have everything i need.
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guide me along right paths, bring honour to his name.

Even when i walk through the dark valley of death, i will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my troubles.
you welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life,
and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Amen

My Restlessness

now it's already day 5, so far i think physically i am still coping well, no abnormalities or sorts, just that past two nights did not have an exactly smooth sleeping, which is so VERY important!!
haize...
I am gonna pray that tonight will be different, that i'll be able to sleep thru tehe night without waking,,, God help me! :)

2nd Of July

We live thru our life, when somedays are remembered, somedays we choose to forget.
today is no special day, but one which that's worth remembering.

Today is the first day that i marked my new regime.So, while i have been away for almost 10 days at toronto, i worked out a new regime that can accomodate metronomic chemo tharapy mentioned by my oncologist, i am not too sure how well it might turn out, but i have a hunch that this might just be the one drug that's missing. so come friday's doc visit, i'll have to take another round of calculated risk...basically, the so called new regime is to start the day early like 7am for breakfast with the full range of supplements, plus the B17, and when the new drug comes, i 'll take it at 9am,. and then i'll off to my cycling, or any other form of exercise, till 11am i'll have to take my TCM.. then followed by lunch around 12pm. and B17 at 2pm and 4pm, dinner at 7pm with full range Vits and B17.. new drug at 9pm.. tcm at 11pm and Prayers before sleep.

so today hasn't been a good one, lots of things are not going my way.i couldn't go view the show flat at mountain becos i just dun have the mood to do it on my own, some hipcupps on the life plan, and i could not meet up a dear pal, cos she's flying off early .. and in the end i ended up sitting here writing mails and talking to two pals for a long time.
Someone closed to my heart, after a long time she finally remember to reply my email instantly.

so in the end this bad day is not that bad afer all.Of cos there are issues to address, but i'll just leave it till another more appropriate time and enjoying the rest of my 2nd of july

Faith and Denial

for a very very long time, i have been constantly bombarded between the two...
What is faith?
what is denial?
yesterday's visit with my medical oncologist has once again thrown me right into the turmoil of the two. Updated results show that CEA is still going up, the very indicator that i have been watching closely. So it is bad news, it was disheartening, after almost 4 months of intensive natural therapy, things are just not getting better, CA activities are somehow increasing.
So what now i asked?
denial will be easy! just believe in God, believe things will just get better, the result may not be 100% accurate anyway! is it right? abosolutely wrong, i have to drill this hard into myself!
Faith? this is tough, yet is the only light in tunnel. the lastest result means something else needs to be done, a different way, different regime, different method possibly... i am not too sure about it, but i'll find a way out! i mean there is defintely a way out. i'll keep trying, keep trying, keep trying!

Challenging Day ahead

It's 1 am now, i should be sleeping actually, then after coming back from my comapny's gathering , my boss gave some speech about work and achievements for the 1st half this year ... it is like we grown by how many %, and that by how many % etc etc.. understandably, i can't relate at all!!!
I choose to leave early the party, not becouse i feel bored, butbecause i need to come back home early, for the necessary doses, not mention it'll be another vist and discussion with my specialist ahead.

Well, on my way home, i was trying to recall some fond memories of the pass 6 months from the office, there are of course. i have identify a few people that's close to my heart, they are always there, always so kind to send their most genuine regards, i would like to think these people are true blessings anyone can get. And i am just so lucky to be constantly on their mind too.

The new beginning

this is the new chapter, a brand new start, and at times i would feel like a new born.

and i have been waiting for far too long to have this started untill an old Pal, LK told me to start!

Half way through of 2008, recent meomories are all about health scares and imposible battles; and when circumstances like this fell on me, my thoughts and life perspective take the turns and continue towards a new direction, although i am not sure how it is going to be, somehow i can sense things will only be better from here.

some assurances for my dear friends, yes i am still strong! i believe my condition is stablising, couple with cyling (my new found hobby) and strict diets, things will only get better from here like i always believe it will.